prelude to the list

this is going to be an absurdly long one. let me start it with this- the last few days of the vaca were certainly the BEST.
when i spent a morning shivering, shitting, and dry heaving...every time i would almost pass out, i would be brought back to the waked ones by some sort of disturbing apparition. for example, one of them that i distinctly remember, an old woman's face...she was dark skinned. scarred, disfigured face. crazy part is i was staying in a place owned by a free black woman in the early 1800's. now, i know i'm a *bit* psychic, but that shit was creepy. it also could have been influenced by the gruesome, leathery face of the stripper i saw just before retuning to the hotel. it was that overwhelming, falling feeling you get when you realize that hot ass is your sister's. (that's never happened to me, but i imagine that's what it's like. nice tits...but the face of hell.) i felt like i was going through slow withdrawal all morning...from alcohol poisoning. i don't know what got over me. i think i was freeing myself...i think it was partially me purging the demons of my relationship still remaining. but my girl had other ideas. she said i have horrific hallucinations because i pick up boys in zombie shops. = )
anyway...i have this incredibly long journal entry (i guess they're called blogs these days) but i hand wrote it on the plane..in rainbow pen as usual. i had a spiritual revival.
the whole trip my girls are talking about their LIST. see, i already had one. didn't see why to write a new one.
what i didn't realize was...my ex fit ALL the criteria of my old list. and then...i met this adorable boy. i do not know what to call him for the sake of this blog. let's say...bello. i think that's about perfect.
anyway, this bello ragazzo picked me back up. that's right, a son of a preacher man brought me a spiritual revival. happy easter and mothofuckin seder. it was just what i needed. so ok, here's the post: (ha)



i know what i'm going after. it's the full package.
that may not be where i am now...ready for my eventuality, but that's ok. i need this exploratory phase in my life. i am free. i have no restrictions, no boundaries. i can just have *fun*.
there was something he said, il bello, about momentary authenticity, that really rang true. i am so ready for that. "only you, forever," is not necessarily central to the clause of togetherness. it's generally inferred in our society, but up to each couple's interpretation of its means.
i've never been an "open relationship" kind of person. when i'm dating, i'm dating, and when committed, i'm committed. but "forever" is a really fucking long time. when i think about the nature of my sexuality, the fact that when i've been with a man for a while, even if the sex is good, i eventually crave women. i could so do that in the context of a stable long-term relationship. and i guess everything is circumstantial, and evolutionary. during my time in this most recent relationship, i've gotten past all kinds of things and let go of weird uptight BS that my past lovers impressed upon me. i've come a long way, baby, and i have no way to know what will happen in the future. all i know is that being static will bring an end to anything.
and i am grateful- that lay was GOOD. = ) but i'm mostly grateful for that ray of hope. it was a bath in possibility. and it brought me out of a long sexual drought.
and here i am, with endless possibilities in front of me: the professor, the med student, the PA chicky...(i'm so ditching the movie guy- not feelin it!), and then my boy in the dam's been all over that shit as of late...
all i'm sayin is, i'm here. i'm ready. i want to experience it all. if i'm so committed to finding commitment...i need this. yeah i know i did it in my early 20's and early teens but this may be my last shot, until my life partner DIES. = P
and hell, believe me...if i had a chance to lay down (and go out!) with this boy again...i for sure would. no question. we have all kinds of stories yet to share...like escapades of lucy...my f'in gawd it renewed my faith in the fact that there are people out there that i'll just VIBE with sexually. that's why i'm ditching the movie boy. that's why i'm pursuing the professor and il bello! my gawd...fuck.
only one thing that could get in the way: another relationship. that's why i'm so not gonna go there. i'm sick of missing opportunities for connections like this. there were many during my last relationship. i need to spend some time...some serious time...rambling, roaming, and connecting. i won't be lonely ALL the time.
but what can i say...if i connected in a synchronistic setting with someone like that...locked eyes with some of those beautiful browns and wasn't told i had to let go...my god, i might get snatched up. that's some moving shit. the best part is, i understand the unlikelihood of such a discovery, an untied match who is ready and willing, but when they come..the extenuating circumstances will just allow our potential to flourish.

carino bello,
i've let go of my past. forgiven myself, forgiven others.
loving, touching, fucking, chewing, gutting, sucking being with a beautiful stranger such as yourself leaves me with no negative residuals.

in fact, i will look my ex in the eye today and feel no guilt. even though he called me on it, the bad feeling. (i'm done with men who have intuition and aren't even in touch with it.)

i will wear your sweat and smell and hug him, thank him for taking care of my cat.

i know it would slay him. i know he's not at that point yet. i've progressed faster than him. but i think he's really only a few weeks behind.
and if he knows what's good for him, he won't look into it too much or ask me (or himself for that matter) any questions he doesn't really want to have the answer for.

i am composed of many passionate energies, a collection of all the existences i've lived. this strong spirit and intuition guides me. perhaps i am destined to be a serial lover- pouring my heart into each project, whether day long or spanning years, looking for a partnership that i'll never attain. i am ok with that- i will love every minute of it. including the greatest heights and incredulous losses. i'll revel in it ALL- because i am incapable of restraining the outpouring of love from my soul- it guides me at work, in friendship, and in romance. and i'd be LOST without it.

so, now that i'm thinking more about what i really want, i'm ready for my list. next blog. angora's list.



you know, and then there's the aftermath. it makes me sick, where's mine at? the unavoidable connection, sensitivity doesn't capture it...the depth of experience that i invest...the crushing reality that there's another person out there i "could" love. another fucking idea to be in love with. that's it. i can't just live from high to high, i'm longing, begging for someting somewhat sustainable. i hope i shed that out. i'd hate you after 3 months anyway. blah. sigh.

i just heard your moan
and inhaled your sweat
you were right there
face in front of mine
so much to kiss
too much to touch
i exhale
and you're gone