the monster....continued

it's my double standard, i know. but it's mine just the same.
he's still calling, texting, when am i going to see you? beautiful, sweet, poetic things...and erotic sexy darling things...
and then, he gets to the fantasies. hmmmph.
i should have found it coming. why in the world do i think i'll find myself a beautiful, androgynous straight boy? he doesn't even have to be completely straight...i think back to the way he flirted, kissed, tasted, touched me. how ragingly hard he got, before he came 3 times. but it is what it is just the same.
the fantasy...the 3rd and final he gave me...to learn to suck dick. goddammit. i'm a great teacher, i tell him. i would love to rock a strap on and teach you, shit i would love to see you perform what i teach you on someone else. but that's so not how it is. if a guy wants to suck a dick, he wants to suck a DICK. not turn on some hottie girl wearing a strap on.
now, i know this is my double standard. here i am, a self-proclaimed bisexual girl. i like boys AND i like girls. fact fact fact. but, i just can't wrap my brain around men doing the same. = ( at least not..in my experience.
even if this guy really is oriented towards women, i can't stick around for this sexual awakening. which is even more BS since he provided me with just that..ugh.
the first guy i ever enjoyed sex with was bi (he's now gay). and then he broke my heart. then, i was basically raped by a different guy who is bi. (and still probably raping girls.) so you see, at least there's some validity to my experience regarding my double standard with bisexual men.
ah well, bello. it's probably better this way. i shouldn't blow a bunch of money to come see you.
meanwhile, i saw the ex today. we cried when we said goodbye...for the first time ever i didn't invite him up after we worked. and then, we cried about it a little together on the phone. jesus.
and then, my other ex called. don't know why. it was pretty late, almost 10, so i didn't pick up. it's funny, bc i used to give him shit when his ex called after 9. "people you're not dating shouldn't be calling you that late," i'd tell him. (turns out they were kinda dating.) anyway, on top of all this emotional crap, i was so not picking up that phone call.
lesson of the monster: if someone seems too good to be true, it's because they are. i'm going back to edit my list.