i have been remiss

here i am.
i just got back from the wedding with the monster. i am in love with him. i can say that out loud. i don't want to have him, i can deal with not "HAVING" him. but he can't give back what i need to sustain my happiness. perhaps i can see him every few months, but the sting of reality is hard to bear.
he made love to me and looked directly in my eyes, the whole time. over and over and over. he kissed every inch of me in worship. he was the perfect date. on a whirlwind, fantasy weekend. and now it's over, and he wakes up in someone else's arms.
i say i want the poly lifestyle, but once i fall, it hurts. unless he can reciprocate the "favorite" status...which, he can't.
it hurts. no regrets. it was sweet, delicious, beautiful...and now it's over.
i am still tied to my ex, as well. we'd been sleeping together this whole time. i know it's not fair what i'm doing to him, either, even if he's unaware.
on a side note, my ex girl is on her way over now. perhaps i can talk about some of this with her. = (
i shared so much with him. i brought him gifts of poetry, music, and sweetness. i bought his ticket, paid the car, the room..."it flows and it flows and it flows and it flows, my love is a stream. your love is a vaudeville show, charming and obscene". that' ani lyric really sets it.
not saying he's not appreciative...just saying he can't reciprocate. i'm not talking financially. i'm talking in LOVE. not enough to keep my heart from feeling this burden.
i will be blogging a lot more this week, since i'm on vacation at my parents' house.
love.