blah blah blah blah blah

morose. here is a collection of what i've been writing in the last 24. pathetic!! monster is intentionally pulling back. he thinks he's doing me a favor. that's fine. i'm ready to accept that. but it's taken me a good 24. here you have it, in reverse order:

3:
i have huge regret for sharing my feelings with you, because i'm guessing that's what's keeping you away. although i suppose, if you're not really into me for who i really am, there's no reason to postpone the inevitable.

2:
i would...rather keep you in the margins of my life, but i can’t fight you to be there.
i really thought that our connection was strong enough for us to get passed the load of crap i dumped on you last week, but i understand that perhaps it is not. you are a boy, and when boys don’t like what they see...they back up.
and so i will let you go. i’ve rearranged so much of my emotional existence in the last few months, it’s constantly shifting. at this point, i have to let go of you as my lover, and let go of my ex as my friend, all at the same time. it’s a salty bitter sea around my face.
i totally miss you. it was so much fun spending time with you. and i’d jump at a chance to do that again.
xox,
me.

3:

i reach out to you-
you push back.
no love for the weary hearted.

i could beg- i would beg- but i know that would leave me with less than what i have how.

at least i retain half a scrap of dignity.
you are not the lover you claim to be
you are selfish.
and i am gullible, pathetic, and true.

i won't weep for you-
just let a few tears slip down my cheeks & choke back the rest.

i wait.

"paciencia y fe"


so there ya have it. blah blah blah. i'm actually feeling better right now- i got some great advice from rare places. they all tell me the same- LOVE is what i AM. don't ever hold it back! it's ok to be sad. love it, live it.
they are right. it's heavy sometimes, but it's worth it. i get it back. sometimes not in the arena i'd choose...but it comes back nonetheless.

anyway, "limon y sal" is my new song for him. pretty much sums it up. : )

kisses. i've been praying a lot. i should go do that now.