i feel compelled

to blog. no specific reason.
i just spent some time with my ex girl- the same one that's going to visit me in a bit. it was sincerely delightful. all the good stuff. hopefully spending a few days in a row together will continue to bring only the good stuff.

i'd rather blog about the monster, even though it's complete whining. that's why i write on this damn thing, anyway.
how do i fall so quick, so easily? is it really him i'm pining for, or the idea of him?
i wish i could just turn my phone off, and stop wondering if he'll call. i can't stop my heart, but i can stop my energy. stop sharing that outpouring of love. why do i torture myself? what compels me to do so? what is it about feeling sad that i'm attracted to?
is there anyone really capable of loving me back, the way that i want to love someone?
he's ignoring me right now. i know why. it's cuz he wants to talk to me, and wants to wait until there's a time he can give me is full attention. well, i want someone who can prioritize me. the way that i prioritized my ex when he called during my stay with il bello. ugh. what makes me love so much, so intentionally. to the point of pain. i'm a glutton for pain! i always have been. what is it in me that causes that?
when i'm in a fulfilling relationship, i feel that after a certain point of utopianism i rock the boat. i instigate. i catalyze such a demise. back to pain, and search for pleasure.
but there is no pain quite so pervasive as an unrequited love. not that it's completely not returned...it's sincere, authentic...but unfulfilling. distant, emotionally speaking. i will always want more, and he will never be able to give enough. so why do that to myself.
why do that to him?

he's incredibly beautiful. taller than me, strong, medium stature. beautiful tattoos adorning his arms and legs. dark eyes. hair darker than mine. in this cute punk rockers shaved on the sides and long and sexy down the middle. totally hairy, i mean completely. so hot. chops.
flamboyance when he speaks. a sweet tone. playful all the time.

makes me feel like i'm on top of the world, but would never want to stay.

ok, i'm sobbing now. i have to go feel this.