HA!

that was my message today. my sweet, endearing, thoughtful message.

seriously...why bother? i DON'T get it. i'm starting to think that maybe he's a narcissist. i mean, for reals. why else would he bother feeding me scraps, other than pity? whether he wants to be on my list or not, if he really cared about me he would NOT string me along like this. he'd either continue to engage or be FRANK with me and let me down hard.

it's funny...no matter how long you build something, it only takes seconds to fall. i had a great day. was super productive at work. i came home, was a little stagnant trying to get on the internet...and then i get that message. that wholesome message, "HA!" in response to my joke, "i'd rather spend my birthday money on a new tattoo than an abortion." no, kitten how are you, i've been doing this, i miss you...just a dumbass unnecessary response. i know i'm fuckin funny, i do not need your three character validation. anyway, back to my story, things fall apartment. i see his name on my email, my heart starts to beat, i can feel it and hear it pounding in my chest...i click...i wait for the page to load...and that. THEN, i get a text message...it's my downstairs neighbor, the one i adore...rainchecking on our evening. = ( seriously? that's what i was waiting on, looking forward to. keeping me from my demise on the internet. of course i replied lovingly, and proceeded to burst into tears once hanging up. yes, it's ok. i hope you have a good night. and i do..i just...hope i have a good one too, dammit.

anyway, that's it. i haven't texted, emailed today. i did that once before..but i really want to stick to it. i don't know why i bother expressing myself to him, when he obviously doesn't want to engage. i mean, i also don't know why he won't just tell me to stop...that's why i feel like maybe he's a narcissist. he wants the attention, he just doesn't want to give any back.

it sickens me. he's so fucking beautiful. all the wonderful things he said to me. all bull shit. a liar, a faker. i see this now. what the fuck. i am such a FOOL. but i have no regrets!! what if he was my man? what if our connection had been real? i had to see. i had to learn...the hard way.

but now...i'm done. please let me be done? i used to pray him back to me, now i pray him away. please, god, let me see the light. let me see him for who he is. let me let him go. let me see the light, the truth. help me along that path so that i will be ready when the right person comes in.

a LOT of prayer lately. a LOT.

yesterday

yesterday was sinfully delicious. i spent time with my ex. we went for a long hike, and then he took me to the fish market for dinner. and then we made love, and it was even pretty good. and then i let him spend the night.
sometimes i wonder...could we work it out? should we try? i really need to think clearly on this one.
and another one. i have a job prospect in front of me...
my stomach just knotted up.
i think i need to take some L and think this shit over = )

i took a test

and i'm not pregnant.

just wanted to throw that out there in case anyone was appalled at my lack of concern for conception. i pretty much knew i wasn't, because i was taking those crazy birth control pills. but the last time i had a period was early APRIL. no wonder i've been so weepy, out of control sad. my hormones are fucked. i stopped taking the pill, hopefully i'll normalize in the next few months.

anyway, even though i KNEW i wasn't pregnant, i went and took a test last night. i wasn't even worrying about it, i was purely being rational. i figured if i WAS pregnant, i could have been since the beginning of april- that's nearly 3 months now. so i was thinking if i was needing an abortion i better get ON it. i hadn't gained any weight, no sore tits or morning sickness, so...

i took a test and i'm not pregnant. which is cool, cuz i probably couldn't afford an abortion AND a new tattoo. ; )

(see what i'm sayin, i am SO not cut out to be a mom right now...or possibly ever. = )

the narrative

oh, sweet heartbreak. it happened for reals.
the monster broke my heart. i totally let him, in fact invited it, but i let him just the same.
he just...stopped. he probably couldn't handle my goobering emotional response to our separation. he gave me a week of "normal," and then...went away. no explanation, no warning, not even a heads up. ugh. and then he intentionally stayed just enough so i would not think he's a complete asshole. (he is.) (well, not complete...but he's definitely an asshole!!)
ahhh...anyway, i don't need to give you the gory details, but i cried for like a week and a half. and then it was my birthday. so i stopped. no need anymore. i gave him, it, his its time. ah well.. such is life!
i gotta say as much as that sucked, and i did cry like a baby, it feels soooo good to be awake again. to love, to be rejected, to recover, to know my value even when i'm so sad and can't understand why he can't see the fabulousness...i'm shiny and i know it don't know why you want to blow it, need a man who likes it rough, likes it rough, likes it rough...
so, i def stopped taking my pill. first of all, i'm not really having sex with anyone else...(more on that), so it's not like i'm gonna keep it going for august for this boy..and i'm pretty sure it's making me CRAZY. i'm sure it's a huge part of why i've reacted so strongly to everything. AND i haven't had my period in two months. i'm waiting...i'm totally convinced it's the pill, and not that i'm pregnant. i swear...it's a full moon. i should be getting it anytime now. anyway, i guess if i don't get a period in a week or two i'll take a test. ha.
my ex girl was in town for a few days. it went generally well, but she's just a hater. just like my ex. (the recent one.) i can't handle her passive aggressive comments. maybe the problem is ME that i'm too sensitive, but the bottom line is it's a major turn off.
she tried to make out with me a bunch, and did succeed in making me come one night in her big condo bed, but for much effort on my part. ah well. i'm never very good at saying no to her, and really i did want the release. and i didn't even reciprocate, i just rolled over and fell asleep. ahhhhh....
tomorrow i'm going hiking with the recent one, for my birthday. i'm really looking forward to it, we haven't spent any alone time together in forever. we've also erected some new distinct boundaries, and they seem to be working ok...so far. who am i kidding. he drunk dialed me last night sobbing. i sense a break coming.
so here i am, alone. my bff is gone on vaca for a month, which is cool cuz we can use a break but seriously, i'm gonna miss her like mad and be super bored. so bff is gone, the third friend from the march vaca is gone, the monster is gone from my life, my ex girl left town...it's quiet, vacant, spooky, lonely, and wonderful. i really want to get into this. i'm gonna dose soon too. i can feel it. : )
ahhhh...so tired. must sleep. much love. i can't believe i got over this thing about the monster. stupid boy. is what it is. and i am what i am. and i wouldn't change that!
mwah!!

lessons from the kabbalah

my love for you is based in my ego, a love of being loved, and a love of my reflection. and the ultimate betrayal is self-rejection.
that's the lesson: love myself.
i don't believe in me; you lose your spark for me.
if i were to love you sans ego, from the bottomless source of compassion within, i would not seek love returned; i am never depleted.
when i tip at a coffee shop, i am distinctly buddist. i don't care if the barista sees me slip my note in the cup. i give because it's the right thing to do, not because i seek recognition for my generosity.
i must love from this same spiritual standpoint: endless interconnection and infinite love.
(and then i will grow.)
you are a beautiful, blessed lesson.

you are a monster

i handed you my live, pumping heart on a golden platter, dazzling with rainbow colored jewels. head first, you dove into it...sucking, chewing, gnashing your way through, blood spurting everywhere.
you devoured my little life organ, fingering every last shred of tissue and delivering it to your mouth. then you looked up with your beautiful brown eyes, smeared with my crimson radiance dripping down your cheeks, persistent as joy and artifice.
i glared at the empty platter, still in my grasp, and when i lifted my gaze you were off, traipsing away. you glanced back with an authentic smile, dry blood cracking at the corners of your mouth and your werewolf chops soggy and matted, shimmering with garnet droplets.
for you, it's on to the next meal. perhaps, i will feed you one day again...but today, you escape without intent.
you are a fucking monster.
(and i loved it.)

blah blah blah blah blah

morose. here is a collection of what i've been writing in the last 24. pathetic!! monster is intentionally pulling back. he thinks he's doing me a favor. that's fine. i'm ready to accept that. but it's taken me a good 24. here you have it, in reverse order:

3:
i have huge regret for sharing my feelings with you, because i'm guessing that's what's keeping you away. although i suppose, if you're not really into me for who i really am, there's no reason to postpone the inevitable.

2:
i would...rather keep you in the margins of my life, but i can’t fight you to be there.
i really thought that our connection was strong enough for us to get passed the load of crap i dumped on you last week, but i understand that perhaps it is not. you are a boy, and when boys don’t like what they see...they back up.
and so i will let you go. i’ve rearranged so much of my emotional existence in the last few months, it’s constantly shifting. at this point, i have to let go of you as my lover, and let go of my ex as my friend, all at the same time. it’s a salty bitter sea around my face.
i totally miss you. it was so much fun spending time with you. and i’d jump at a chance to do that again.
xox,
me.

3:

i reach out to you-
you push back.
no love for the weary hearted.

i could beg- i would beg- but i know that would leave me with less than what i have how.

at least i retain half a scrap of dignity.
you are not the lover you claim to be
you are selfish.
and i am gullible, pathetic, and true.

i won't weep for you-
just let a few tears slip down my cheeks & choke back the rest.

i wait.

"paciencia y fe"


so there ya have it. blah blah blah. i'm actually feeling better right now- i got some great advice from rare places. they all tell me the same- LOVE is what i AM. don't ever hold it back! it's ok to be sad. love it, live it.
they are right. it's heavy sometimes, but it's worth it. i get it back. sometimes not in the arena i'd choose...but it comes back nonetheless.

anyway, "limon y sal" is my new song for him. pretty much sums it up. : )

kisses. i've been praying a lot. i should go do that now.

where is my heart?

i've recovered from the monster. it took me 2 days. 2 days with him= 2 days recovery. i can handle that.
i've done a really good job letting go, too. no messages from him a day, no messages from ME in a day, and most importantly, no tears.
he intellectually knows my value, but does not appreciate it. and really, i don't want to be in love with someone who isn't dazzled by me.
i miss my ex. all the sweetness. i wish he could inspire me, horizontally. it would be so worth working on in that case. but he just DOESN'T.
bello said he can only give me what he gave before. which is a lie, because since that weekend, he really hasn't given me SHIT. no phone call, only text when i'm desperate. and now that i'm not desperate anymore, i haven't heard a thing.
anyway, LET GO.
i did. goodbye, lovely monster.

processing

so i just went outside and had a good hard cry about it in the garden. tried to dig to the bottom.
said things like this:
i forgive myself for loving him. it's okay that i gave someone my heart and they did not reciprocate. i can let it go. he appreciates and admires me. i love myself, regardless of whether or not other people do. i don't need his affection. last weekend was idyllic. i deserved that. it was authentic. i put my heart and soul into my love and i am proud of that. i am a special person. there is someone out there who will appreciate ALL of me.
and i prayed, a lot. in sanskrit. english translation:
may god protect us both together
may god nourish us together
may we gain energy to know the truth
may our study together be filled with light
may we not oppose each other.
ohm, peace peace peace.

obsessive patterns

i'm in the email check, facebook check, cell phone check, repeat cycle. it's horrendous.
do you ever do that??? how do you stop it? i have such a hard time letting go.

seeking clarity

i know i need to take a step back from him. i want to see him in the fall. and if i keep up this pining bull shit until then, it's not going to happen. i need to disconnect, but i don't want to. i want to stay connected to badly.
anyway, i treated him really roughly yesterday, and totally made a desperate ass of myself. i hope he's willing to see past that and give me the time of day. i feel like such an ass.
i spoke with my other ex about it today on the phone. he calls me when he's down, so i figured he would probably return the favor. it was really healing to talk to him. i know he's right; i have to keep my eye on the big picture. this dude is 92% not "the one" even though he's 99% "right now". i need to go back to my career, my friends...go back to letting go of my ex. with whom i still have not completely severed.
i am not invincible. i cannot love consequence free. i connect too deeply for that. i am not looking for surface love. i can only accept that kind of superficial love from admirers, which i have plenty of. once i connect with someone on that deeper level, if that's not reciprocated, i can't just stand there and continue to hemorrhage love.
and that's an important lesson i learned.
the end.

by the way

i did it. i let him have me sans barrier.

i felt safe. STD wise, that is.

i think it probably affects my emotions more. i've never given that to anyone that wasn't...my partner. don't get me wrong, when i was young i effed up and didn't use condoms properly every single time...but i never went out of my way to plan and take the pill and give that up.

i just wanted to be close to him. so close. and i was.

perhaps too close.

i feel compelled

to blog. no specific reason.
i just spent some time with my ex girl- the same one that's going to visit me in a bit. it was sincerely delightful. all the good stuff. hopefully spending a few days in a row together will continue to bring only the good stuff.

i'd rather blog about the monster, even though it's complete whining. that's why i write on this damn thing, anyway.
how do i fall so quick, so easily? is it really him i'm pining for, or the idea of him?
i wish i could just turn my phone off, and stop wondering if he'll call. i can't stop my heart, but i can stop my energy. stop sharing that outpouring of love. why do i torture myself? what compels me to do so? what is it about feeling sad that i'm attracted to?
is there anyone really capable of loving me back, the way that i want to love someone?
he's ignoring me right now. i know why. it's cuz he wants to talk to me, and wants to wait until there's a time he can give me is full attention. well, i want someone who can prioritize me. the way that i prioritized my ex when he called during my stay with il bello. ugh. what makes me love so much, so intentionally. to the point of pain. i'm a glutton for pain! i always have been. what is it in me that causes that?
when i'm in a fulfilling relationship, i feel that after a certain point of utopianism i rock the boat. i instigate. i catalyze such a demise. back to pain, and search for pleasure.
but there is no pain quite so pervasive as an unrequited love. not that it's completely not returned...it's sincere, authentic...but unfulfilling. distant, emotionally speaking. i will always want more, and he will never be able to give enough. so why do that to myself.
why do that to him?

he's incredibly beautiful. taller than me, strong, medium stature. beautiful tattoos adorning his arms and legs. dark eyes. hair darker than mine. in this cute punk rockers shaved on the sides and long and sexy down the middle. totally hairy, i mean completely. so hot. chops.
flamboyance when he speaks. a sweet tone. playful all the time.

makes me feel like i'm on top of the world, but would never want to stay.

ok, i'm sobbing now. i have to go feel this.

i have been remiss

here i am.
i just got back from the wedding with the monster. i am in love with him. i can say that out loud. i don't want to have him, i can deal with not "HAVING" him. but he can't give back what i need to sustain my happiness. perhaps i can see him every few months, but the sting of reality is hard to bear.
he made love to me and looked directly in my eyes, the whole time. over and over and over. he kissed every inch of me in worship. he was the perfect date. on a whirlwind, fantasy weekend. and now it's over, and he wakes up in someone else's arms.
i say i want the poly lifestyle, but once i fall, it hurts. unless he can reciprocate the "favorite" status...which, he can't.
it hurts. no regrets. it was sweet, delicious, beautiful...and now it's over.
i am still tied to my ex, as well. we'd been sleeping together this whole time. i know it's not fair what i'm doing to him, either, even if he's unaware.
on a side note, my ex girl is on her way over now. perhaps i can talk about some of this with her. = (
i shared so much with him. i brought him gifts of poetry, music, and sweetness. i bought his ticket, paid the car, the room..."it flows and it flows and it flows and it flows, my love is a stream. your love is a vaudeville show, charming and obscene". that' ani lyric really sets it.
not saying he's not appreciative...just saying he can't reciprocate. i'm not talking financially. i'm talking in LOVE. not enough to keep my heart from feeling this burden.
i will be blogging a lot more this week, since i'm on vacation at my parents' house.
love.