cooling down the microwave

he's starting to let go. i can see it happening, slowly. but it's tough.
he's still obsessed with the fact that our friend likes me. and that's ALL he wants to talk about. i told him last night that i don't want to talk to him if that's what he wants to bring up again.
but then, all these signs he is seeing. signs from the universe. first, he was at a bar when i texted him, RIP Peter Steele, I'll Paint it Black. now i was talking about type o negative, but "paint it black" by the rolling stones was playing in the bar he was at at that moment. then, the other night we were at a hockey game...huge stadium...and he's in the section literally next to me. and he sees these signs and thinks...he shouldn't give up yet.
i asked him then, what could he bring to the table? i told him i felt i'd given our relationship everything i have, i'm done. but if you have something else to bring forward i'm listening. his response was "all i have is love." and i told him that LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH.
so he realized yesterday i'm moving on. he's suspected it, he's sensed it, he's seen it, and now i've confirmed it. "yes," i said. "i am."

it was my work that kept me upright
so you called it a crutch
while i drifted off into dreamland of such and such...
you can't will yourself happy
you can't will your cunt wet
you can't keep standing at the station, pretending you're being met
you can't wear a sign that says "yours" when that ain't what you get...

last night

so i'm on my way to bed...texted the monster a goodnight poem. i notice it's about 10:30, and with our time difference that's about when he usually calls. but my expectation is that he will not. = )
and then he does. such a sweetheart on the phone, we talk about so much! about how we both love-ed to dose, and still occasionally do...and. AND! we decided we're gonna do it. gonna go uncovered. his dick on my skin, on the inside. i mean, if i'm putting it in my mouth i may as well...i reminded him when he goes for his STD screening to get hep & herp- they usually don't do those ones unless you ask specifically.
so i got my report card back- i failed everything. yay! the one time in your life you want your tests to be NEGATIVE.
i mean, i really can't believe i'm gonna do it. my gay boy friends are like don't. i should probably trust them but...i do trust the monster. i believe him he'll get his full screening and will not have unprotected sex with anyone else. the thing is, protected sex still spreads STDs. i guess that's the risk i'm gonna take. in my defense, thus far my monster is only sleeping with women. so i don't have the MSM risk.
anyway back to the hilarious story...we're chatting. i'm getting sleepy, but then he says something that makes me all wet...next thing i know we're having phone sex again. after we *kinda* decided not to, cuz we want to preserve the attraction...but i guess if it happens naturally we really can't help it. he makes me so hot. i came like crazy, first. then i talked him through the next 10 to 20 seconds and...beautiful. i love the way he comes.
THEN. he comes down...omg. this is the funny part. he tells me after he recovers a second that his ROOMMATE walked in right after he shot!! i was like, why is she walking in your room without knocking? and he's like my computer's in the living room. the huge screen mac. basically, the roommate walked into her own home, saw her roomie on the phone at the computer and said, "oh hey! you're home," and then saw WHAT was on the computer. pictures of me. very pornographic pictures of me. HAHAHAHAHHA SO FUNNY!! not only did he get caught wanking by his roommate, but he got caught being ON the PHONE when it happened!! ugh, it's killing me. i am still LOL about that.
what a cutie. i decided i don't give a fuck about his sexuality, as i always insist that my partners don't give a fuck about mine. so fuck it. if he ends up with a man in the long-term, whatevs. what he's doing right now with me is authentic, and that's all that matters.
what a beautiful boy.
what a beautiful day!!

details

it's all in the details. here's some i owe you.
i was faced with an important decision tonight. i wanted to do something naughty. my choices lay before me: turn on the AC, or have taco bell for dinner. each opportunity carried with it a disdain for sustainability, a crass kiss off to nature.
you know what i picked. in my defense, i went vegetarian.
no but really. i was feelin pretty bad last week...i was deep in regret. so i let him know, i was having second thoughts. and he responded beautifully...which reminded me why i invited him in the first place.
and, getting all worked up about him and then letting go did something great for me; it taught me to not be so emotionally invested in this boy. which is something i knew, but wasn't ready to do. so this helped get me there, with very little pain relatively speaking.
i've been considering cutting back on pot lately. which is weird, because i've been a smoker on and off but mostly on for 15 years. but i was in a meeting today, and wasn't lively, wasn't contributing. i didn't like that. also my therapist called me out. which is weird because i'm stoned in there like ALL the time. but she noticed.
so i dunno. it could be helpful to not HAVE to be stoned on dates just so i can eat a decent meal.
speaking of a decent meal!! i went out with the engineer boy again. the one i picked up on the train. just happened to miss his flight and i got a swank lunch out of it. brunch, actually, complete with champagne and creme brulee! YUM!! what a weekend. on fyah.
so i'm trying to pull back on the monster, just a bit. in a good way. i dig.
i dig love. <3

now i member

now i see. i did tell you bout the wedding.
eventually i just told him i was all butt hurt, and he totally stepped up to call. what a sweetie. it's all good. i needed that...i took a step back since then. release.
love.

has a busy dance card

wowie.
so check this out. friday i was on FIRE. and frankly, i still am.
went to a conference all day downtown. swank. i love being around academics, schmoozing, learning, mentoring, being wined & dined. (although in my field they rarely serve alcohol [in the US].)
and then...the end of the day...i hear this incredibly provocative comment from the back of the room..and echo of myself, that is. i look back and it's this curly haired cutie about my age. and i look at his name badge- i know this boy.
we're both the youngster local powerhouses in our fields. we've communicated many a time via email.
so after the session, i go and introduce myself to him. i can hardly wait.
we talk, we walk. we connect. he's on the level. he sees i'm on the level. i propose an after-conference drink.
he calls, i make my way over to this swank department store-turned bar. on the way there, this homeless dude (he didn't even smell like one) stops me and tells me all about how the aryan race is trying to take over, and the government implanted a chip in his brain...here's his medical records...
back to the story. i get to the bar. there's this other chickie there too, actually a bff of one of my mentees...which doesn't even matter. he sits by me, makes sure i'm in the middle of them. his foot is on my chair the whole time. he touches me. multiple times. plus the accidental brushes, running into one another while walking...such magnetism.
and the conversation is rich. i look at his adorable ass telling stories of compassison and triumph like a puppy dog; meanwhile i'm sure to display my own cat-like agile handle on world experience and wisdom.
whoo wee. then the next day, i get a text. we were joking that night cuz my bberry is through my work's server, and the text says, "wait, is this business *angora* or personal *angora*? i'll watch the texts.." "personal. text away," i reply. "porn sex anal. you better be sure!!"
hilarious!! goodness gracious. "cock, smack, bare-back. i'm sure," he got back.
nice one. hope he calls.
SO THEN...
i'm on the way home. gonna take the train. to go meet my girl at another bar. and i see this boy...this tall blonde boy. talking to a homeless guy, patiently.
when the homeless dude walks away, i just HAD to say something, having given a random crazy 5 minutes of my day already. long story short, tall blonde boy is an engineer and an environmentalist and has many professional overlap interests...goodness. 30 minutes later he's buying me dinner. oh, sweetness!! i'm actually gonna have lunch with him in a few minutes here before he leaves town. gotta love the out-of-towners.
speaking of out-of-towners, il bello is officially coming to the wedding with me in june. did you know that already? i don't blog enough to tell.
oh, and i'm supposed to be going out *maybe* with the email guy from work, too. today. hahahhahh

processing

so check this out.
i bought the monster a ticket to accompany me to my friend's wedding. he was super stoked...and the messages have not dropped off completely, but they've dropped. and no phone call since then.
granted, we don't usually (usually in the context of our 2-week relationship) talk on the weekends, i have a social life, he works constantly, and our diurnal rhythms are opposite. BUT, nevertheless, doesn't it seem right that he owes me a phone call to say thank you, and geek out a little bit?? usually he calls on monday or tuesday, he usually (my new favorite word, i'm adding a tag for that!) has a day off one of those days. which he spends thinking, texting, and jerking for me.
it's so funny, how i could not care about him pursuing others, and me doing the same, yet i would be like, "you haven't called in 4 days! maybe i shouldn't have bought that ticket??"
ah well well i DID. so suck it. we'll see how it pans out. i'm not gonna say anything, i'm just gonna be patient. in fact, i'm not even gonna text as i usually do. (and i haven't been.) ah, l'amour.
and then yesterday i stopped by the ex's and i guess i WAS wearing a see-through skirt. funny thing is, i wasn't wearing it for him, i was wearing it in case i went to PRIDE. pretty funny. anyway, he wanted to cuddle, and i let him, but then...usually i put a stop there. i didn't feel like it yesterday. maybe something about il bello..the way ex's cheek felt against mine, warm and scratchy and soft in between. plus, i was feeling bad about the drop-off in attention from my new toy...so i went for it. i didn't give him the pussy, i just blew him. i know it's his favorite, and i'm damn good at it...it's a super powerful position to be in plus i don't really feel like i have to be intimate with him. by not giving him that soft piece of my soul between my thighs. he was so happy. i'm pretty sure he's still glowing the morning after.
anyway, i'm doing my best to take things at face value. i only know what il bello has revealed to me, nothing more. process what's been handed to me. don't focus on or consider or ponder things that i can't see.
all i can see at this point is that il bello sends me wonderful messages, and had a busy weekend.
everything else is moot.
right???

validation

i just had an epiphany. i don't need to validate him.
i mean, every time i write him a one-liner...he one-lines me back. it's incredible. and i always am so excited and AMAZED than another human being GETS me on this plane, that i communicate that. but...why? my fear is that he'll lose interest, that our from-afar affair will not be worth the small effort it takes sustaining, when there are other folks in his city he can play with. but come on, what we have is different. not in the "it's special" way (not that it's not ; ) but in the way that there's no way for it to go immediately sour, and really, it does not take any effort. a couple of phone calls a week? that's nothing. i can put in that much.
anyway, TANGENT, i should not validate him every time. i should enjoy the fact he gets me, bask in that, bask in the fact that is mind is capable of such banter, and do not beat it into the ground. let it be beautiful, don't touch it up until it's smeared. it's more fun worth waiting for. let him wonder, what is she doing tonight?? or not. whatevs.
anyway, i AM a sucker for validation myself. i LOVE when people do that for me. and those close to me know to do that for me. but, this guy does it..differently. not because he wants to, because he just does. we totally vibe on the same plane, and it is so rare that when i do that with someone that i am actually attracted to them. and he wants to bareback...awwwww...you know i'm gonna say yes...

ask and you shall receive

i am a flower, and apparently it's pollenation season, because i have lots of buzzing bees.
the monster (il bello, that's his other name) is still kickin. sends me adorable pictures of himself snuggling, masturbating, working, just being. adorable. i do the same. and...i bought him a ticket to go to a wedding with me on the east coast in june!!! so, i have a prize on my arm, and someone to talk to in a place where i'll know no one. and it's gonna be perfect. just less than 48 hours, many of which i'll be tied up, not by him teehee, but doing wedding stuff. so it will leave us wanting more, which i think is the point.
also, he asked me to bareback. which is INSANE that i'm pondering it, considering that he's boy-friendly. i mean, he hasn't done the deed with a dude yet, and i feel like we have a cool enough thing going that he'd tell me if he did, but it's just HIGH RISK. (this is my professional training coming out, or perhaps a personal bi-as?? i dunno though, numbers are numbers and they rarely lie.) when you get an HIV test, there is no question on there that asks about your sexual orientation. the quesiton is, DO YOU HAVE SEX WITH MEN?. and i suppose thus far his answer is no. but i kind feel like my bello monstruo is gonna end up that adorable (yes, he's so adorable!) kid in the bathhouse who everyone makes fun of (and then comes out). whatevs. in the mean time, i'll have fun fantasizing about him being my stay at home husband (open relationship, of course, this is my fantasy) and me being the breadwinner, career woman. he can stay at home and write (and take care of the kids if he INSISTS we have them) and i'll make the paper go boo-boo. and i'll come home in my power suit and heels to a sexy hairy man in a house dress. in his words "follow your green martini with a rude shove to the couch". yee haw.
what's up with this? do i only rebound with my reflection?? or should i really be trying to end up with someone like this...like me??
anyway, i'm learning to just accept his love, in the moment, and not worry about everything else. i prayed and prayed for passion. i have symbols painted all over my life to remind me of my goal. and it came along, so i need to take it. i need to remember that i'm in no place for a real relationship ANYWAY, so this is perfect. i'll take my tender, saucy, snuggling, sexy boy from afar. ugh, i can't wait to have those painted nails down my back.
anyway, june is gonna be my month. i have a guaranteed lay at the beginning of the month, i have a potential lay when my ex-girlfriend comes to visit (and if she looks good i'm gonna rage it. best sex ever was her.), and then when i'm back in my home state i have another potential with another sexy exey. this one got a BUNCH of tattoos since we banged, so i REALLY wanna do him now. mmm. he even has one on his dick!! should i give him a name?? eh, not yet. lol.
anyway, i asked, and i received. i even got asked out on email the other day at work. i get asked about about once a day now. on fire. love it. pink and red and calaveras and mandalas and prayers and everything i can to conjure it up. love love love.

just fall on your knees

i am such a roller coaster.
i spend each and every day on a TEXTPECTATION. i'm pathetic. il bello send me pictures throughout his day...and i do the same. i told him last night on the phone when he told me that "i'm entirely too far away," that i disagreed. i thought the timing was right for us to be far apart. really what it comes down to is that if he was HERE, i'd be even more gaga over him. i'd want to be all up in his shit all the time, and whether he was interested or not, it'd be all-consuming for me. i mean, it is, even from here, 20 hours apart.
last night i had the hottest phone sex. he just tells me how it is. so many hot, enticing images. he made me get out my vibrator!!! and i'm such a writer, it makes me so bashful to have to SAY sexy things out loud...makes me blush in the dark. and i loved it.
such a blessing. i am so grateful to have that in my life, undefined as it is. i've been praying and praying for passion, and the universe brought it to me.

octaves

octaves & exes. that's what this entry is all about.
i just left a VM for my EX. yeah, the other ex. the scary tumultuous ex who only very recently stopped haunting me.
last week when i was on vaca, he emailed me a lonnnng email. said that our short phone convo (which i was so ready for. i was trying to talk all casual and catch-up and he wanted a serial convo.) has stirred up some shit, and it was really affecting his outlook with this new chickie. so i shared with him some releasing techniques that i used to get rid of him (teehee) and told him not to hold this girl accountable for what I did. only much longer and more eloquent than that.
and he replied thank you. and that was it. or so i thought.
last night he called me at such an inappropriate time. (funny thing, i was with my ex, you know the most recent one, and my bff. i'm sure my bff assumed it was il bello calling, but he so not thinking of me at that moment.) such an inappropriate time!! thing is (did i already blog about this??) i used to give him shit for letting his ex call after what i deemed to be an inappropriate time. "people you're not dating shouldn't call after 10," i told him. (fully meaning girls by people.) and then he, my ex, calls me late and thinks i'll pick up. sheesh.
anyway, i texted back, no reply. this morning i get a flurry of messages about how he basically is feeling anxiety about his new chicken and somehow thinks i'm gonna help me sort that out.
anyway, i did try him back. no answer. ah well. but the funny thing was, his voice. his voice on the VM when i left a message. soo deep. it's just funny, this boy i've been talking tooo...so doesn't have that voice. it's flippant and playful and octaves above my EX. !!
such a contrast on the surface. but not underneath. i mean, it's true...i crave that sensitivity. the relationship i had with HIM was, i suppose, the last true passion i ever felt. until very very recently.
but how funny is it, i break up with my boy, pray and pray and pray for love and passion, and this is what i get:
-passion- passion for a boy i can't have. insane, beautiful, drive you crazy passion. (beautiful like the sunset i see from my window right now. cool and gentle but obscene and ... you just can't look away.) i pray for passion, and i get it, somewhat unrequited, somewhat returned.
-love- i get love from 3 different exes. count em THREE. the boy, the recent boy. the girl, the girl. and the EX. they are all reaching out to me, saying, "i need you, i want you in my life. you are a wonderful person."
i get the passion i love that i pray for. but can't i have them both, returned, from the same person???
anyway, i just got off the phone with my bff in the east, and she basically told me to chill. she gave me the mental health perspective- she wants me to stop thinking, just enjoy, whatevs. but i can't deny my internal feelings- this boy is a monster. he will break my heart if he doesn't back up immediately. (but i think he may be.)
anyway octaves. octaves octaves octaves. i need someone octaves beyond these people. bring it on. no don't. let me stop feeling so lonely so i can enjoy some time here (months? a year? years??) to myself, and not always be in love with someone.
i mean it's INSANE. i can fall in love with anyone. i really do. ok not true...i am very picky about the target of my affection. but if i pick you---damn. no wonder people get obsessed with me. (or get the fuck away from me!! ; )
but i mean...it may be pretty cool to just get into being by myself. i've never really done that.
ugh, i mean...who am i kidding. this boy, even IF he actually dug me (and not the other type of bird) and if we somehow wanted to pursue some madness...i could never handle his lifestyle. i mean, roomates?? hello?? ugh. i can't handle someone who chooses to live the poor life. i'm such a bitch!! i'm just saying, what fun would it be to visit you if we had to fuck around your roomate's schedule??
and..wait..come to think of it.

BAM! a bunch a shit just flashed through my brain. (there's an amazing sounding bird outside! my god i'm so stoned!!) ummmm...my mouth hurts. just a little. like a cancker sore...i hope. right??? herp in your mouth wouldn't show up so soon right?? i mean, i put that beautiful dirty boy's penis in my mouth!!?!
i'm so just being paranoid. i'm so just imposing my bi-as. but damn...now i'm second guessing those condoms from the gay club...fuck...i'm such an idiot. i know the eastern bff disagrees, but i might have just gotten totally played. (and infected? nooo....) seriously i'm a fuckin moron.

why is he still texing me????

the monster....continued

it's my double standard, i know. but it's mine just the same.
he's still calling, texting, when am i going to see you? beautiful, sweet, poetic things...and erotic sexy darling things...
and then, he gets to the fantasies. hmmmph.
i should have found it coming. why in the world do i think i'll find myself a beautiful, androgynous straight boy? he doesn't even have to be completely straight...i think back to the way he flirted, kissed, tasted, touched me. how ragingly hard he got, before he came 3 times. but it is what it is just the same.
the fantasy...the 3rd and final he gave me...to learn to suck dick. goddammit. i'm a great teacher, i tell him. i would love to rock a strap on and teach you, shit i would love to see you perform what i teach you on someone else. but that's so not how it is. if a guy wants to suck a dick, he wants to suck a DICK. not turn on some hottie girl wearing a strap on.
now, i know this is my double standard. here i am, a self-proclaimed bisexual girl. i like boys AND i like girls. fact fact fact. but, i just can't wrap my brain around men doing the same. = ( at least not..in my experience.
even if this guy really is oriented towards women, i can't stick around for this sexual awakening. which is even more BS since he provided me with just that..ugh.
the first guy i ever enjoyed sex with was bi (he's now gay). and then he broke my heart. then, i was basically raped by a different guy who is bi. (and still probably raping girls.) so you see, at least there's some validity to my experience regarding my double standard with bisexual men.
ah well, bello. it's probably better this way. i shouldn't blow a bunch of money to come see you.
meanwhile, i saw the ex today. we cried when we said goodbye...for the first time ever i didn't invite him up after we worked. and then, we cried about it a little together on the phone. jesus.
and then, my other ex called. don't know why. it was pretty late, almost 10, so i didn't pick up. it's funny, bc i used to give him shit when his ex called after 9. "people you're not dating shouldn't be calling you that late," i'd tell him. (turns out they were kinda dating.) anyway, on top of all this emotional crap, i was so not picking up that phone call.
lesson of the monster: if someone seems too good to be true, it's because they are. i'm going back to edit my list.

bello monstruo

he hasn't quit. my beautiful monster...he's been CALLING me. like, ON THE PHONE??? i'm so not used to that. the professor is just tease and text and leave...this boy is like prod and poem and prize!!
i know this is a phase. a passing phase. but i'm going to RIDE it out. it's insane how quickly i fall in love.
but i haven't felt like THIS in so LONG! it's not even true love...it's true, blissful infatuation. he messages me all day, constantly...naughty things, sweet things, poetic things.
i do call him a monster though. i know he is. he is like this reflection of me...italian, don't give a fuck, dreadie at heart, passionate, bisexual, dark and humorous beautiful creature.
my head and my heart move oh so fast. by the time this boy breaks my heart my ex will only just be starting to get over me. i can't help it.
i hate this condition. i love it, i live it, i crave it, i missed it...but now that i'm here i remember why it's so disdainful. all this passion and love..unrequited.
so many snippets, so many close calls...i'm going to go pray.

i am.

wowie

i did not expect this. i am leaving expectation at the door...and sitting aghast in wonderment. or should i say vunderment. = )
il bello is persistent. what a dream. he's honestly the first dude i've been involved with who actually plays ball LIKE me. and i think i like it. clever as shit...for example, i send him a pic of me "cheers!" with a glass of absynth. "Absynth makes the heart grow fonder," he replies. Which turns into a gentle all-night convo with poetry and eroticism...

I'm fairly certain we tasted each other. My tongue still slips saccharine across the back of my teeth as I recall you dripping from my smile like the sun smooth kiss of a fresh peach.

Like, yee-haw, hello??? Where the fuck have you been all my life? And I've been spending my time writing poetry and prose for these IDIOTS that don't even get the entendres??

then the next night, things get a little saucy. i sent him some pretty pics...and he actually CALLED later that night (even woke me up and i didn't care) to say THANK YOU. i mean, i would have flipped a brick if the professor did that. he didn't even bother to send me a thank you in email or text.

and the snuggling. my god. the only person i've met who is as obsessed with snuggling as i. what a travesty, this beautiful person is in a different city, and not at all interested in the nature of relationship that i am. but, also...what a blessing...what a blessing that i crossed paths with this creature, and that i'm receiving his attention at this time.

meanwhile, the musician and professor are calling, texting, emailing...but i don't answer. it's not that i don't want to...i'm just...distracted. = )

people do this!

why not say what we mean, and mean what we say. i mean, don't get me wrong. know what i mean. my shit's so cluttered with metaphors you'd need...wait i won't go there. = P i'm not trying to mean or anything, but why don't people say what they mean?.... why don't i??
well i'm not playing that game any more. i told movie boy what's up. the coen brothers are exciting and everything, but he's just NOT!! hahaha. also, next time i get the shot, i'm gonna come out full on to the med student. and, the professor. (how funny is this? the professor teaches where il bello got his BA...different campus though ha!) i'm just gonna take the next opportunity to throw it out there...and if he can't handle prioritizing the bait, wtf am i waiting for.
who am i kidding, what am i waiting for. i'm waiting for the sex i've put him off on for over 3 years. i'm waiting for what i got that tiny sliver of...the fact that he has some innate ability to drive me ca-razy!!! but really...if he's not gonna, why should i stay stuck on that? i'd rather get the rejection done with so i can cry it out and move on.
speaking of cry it out, i'm having a sad day...sad day. easter..how funny is it, but i loved eating easter meats with my man. (funny cuz he's jewish ; ) it was a ritual...yummy foods & friends & wine. and now...i'm at home. i'll eat some friggin hummus for dinner. and cry a little.
vacation hangovers are tough. i come off of a whole week with my girls, an amazing interaction with a boy, and now i'm home. tough shit. i just want to smoke and smoke and smoke...and then cry just a *little* bit more.
i feel lost. i know it's temporary. i know i feel way less sad then i did just two months ago. but i do...i do i do i do. feel bad.
it totally feels like the day after taking ecstasy, or something like that. = ) my serotonin is all tapped out because of boy drug. it's been SO LONG since i had one of those. no wonder i'm in such a sad puppy-dog state.
there's other people out there. there's other people out there i vibe like crazy with. it's just that it's been a long time, so long that i forgot what it felt like. it's ok, let it go...
*a mi tuo fo*
i need to spend some time with that.

THE LIST

Traits that I Require in my Long-Haul Partner:

0. THE SPARK- whatever that may be. scientifically defined, or otherwise...duh.

1. (drumroll, please...because i'm not afraid to say it) PHYSICALLY DESIRABLE- a face that makes me quiver when they gaze at me.

2. INTELLIGENT- give or take, my intellectual equal. educational level is flexible, but must be driven and high performing in whatever area they've chosen.

3. EXPRESSIVE- (this is one i forgot on my last list) willing to share emotions verbally, artistically, and especially in writing. (i mean, seriously, how could i have missed that altogether?) regularly tells me that i'm beautiful, in dynamic ways. (jeah, so i'm a chick, whaddaya want??)

4. SENSITIVE- must be willing to empathize with my emotional needs. (sick a mf haters)

5. somewhat ASSERTIVE/AGGRESSIVE- this does not necessarily preclude sensitivity. = ) somewhere in between assertive and aggressive...protective to a certain degree, dominant in bed, and rather chivalrous, when warranted.

6. ADVENTUROUS- must be willing to travel *just about* anywhere in the world. includes a willingness to live overseas, since a EU passport is my birthright and i plan on doing dissertation research in latin america.

7. INDEPENDENT AND NEEDY- that's right, a balance. maintain separate and meaningful daily lives, whist participating in a shared existence. while maintaining emotional dependence. = )

8. SENSE OF HUMOR...- this one is probably further up the list, but it's too late for me to renumber everything. must have an ability to share in my twisted perspective. we must have the ability to tell jokes to one another in a crowded room without speaking. this humor thing is definitely attached to the intelligence factor- my jokes need to be understood without explanation. catch em or they're gone. this person also must have the ability to make me beam for hours on end!! living loving laughter.

9. FAITHFUL- in whatever circumstance we agree upon, which is fluid throughout the course of the relationship.

9. cheesy, but, dedicated to SELF-IMPROVEMENT- in career and health.

10. dedicated to CONTRIBUTION- must somehow be engaged in improvement of our earth, world, city, country, or what not...whether in work or volunteerism.

11. EASY-GOING in nature- open to possibility, including both spirituality and science. not interested in breeding. not attached to frivolous things (like big wedding or a big house). ability to off-set my tendency to be overly concerned with life's momentary and constant stressors. also, must not have any issue about my sexuality, and be very secure in their own.

12. loves to be ACTIVE and EAT high quality food- together. : )

13. loves my KITTY- ha ha, yes that one too.

Overall,

*stirs me, drives me, frees me, inspires me, and revels in my doing the same for them.*

These are my requirements, Universe. A Lover by nature. The Rest is up for discussion.

prelude to the list

this is going to be an absurdly long one. let me start it with this- the last few days of the vaca were certainly the BEST.
when i spent a morning shivering, shitting, and dry heaving...every time i would almost pass out, i would be brought back to the waked ones by some sort of disturbing apparition. for example, one of them that i distinctly remember, an old woman's face...she was dark skinned. scarred, disfigured face. crazy part is i was staying in a place owned by a free black woman in the early 1800's. now, i know i'm a *bit* psychic, but that shit was creepy. it also could have been influenced by the gruesome, leathery face of the stripper i saw just before retuning to the hotel. it was that overwhelming, falling feeling you get when you realize that hot ass is your sister's. (that's never happened to me, but i imagine that's what it's like. nice tits...but the face of hell.) i felt like i was going through slow withdrawal all morning...from alcohol poisoning. i don't know what got over me. i think i was freeing myself...i think it was partially me purging the demons of my relationship still remaining. but my girl had other ideas. she said i have horrific hallucinations because i pick up boys in zombie shops. = )
anyway...i have this incredibly long journal entry (i guess they're called blogs these days) but i hand wrote it on the plane..in rainbow pen as usual. i had a spiritual revival.
the whole trip my girls are talking about their LIST. see, i already had one. didn't see why to write a new one.
what i didn't realize was...my ex fit ALL the criteria of my old list. and then...i met this adorable boy. i do not know what to call him for the sake of this blog. let's say...bello. i think that's about perfect.
anyway, this bello ragazzo picked me back up. that's right, a son of a preacher man brought me a spiritual revival. happy easter and mothofuckin seder. it was just what i needed. so ok, here's the post: (ha)



i know what i'm going after. it's the full package.
that may not be where i am now...ready for my eventuality, but that's ok. i need this exploratory phase in my life. i am free. i have no restrictions, no boundaries. i can just have *fun*.
there was something he said, il bello, about momentary authenticity, that really rang true. i am so ready for that. "only you, forever," is not necessarily central to the clause of togetherness. it's generally inferred in our society, but up to each couple's interpretation of its means.
i've never been an "open relationship" kind of person. when i'm dating, i'm dating, and when committed, i'm committed. but "forever" is a really fucking long time. when i think about the nature of my sexuality, the fact that when i've been with a man for a while, even if the sex is good, i eventually crave women. i could so do that in the context of a stable long-term relationship. and i guess everything is circumstantial, and evolutionary. during my time in this most recent relationship, i've gotten past all kinds of things and let go of weird uptight BS that my past lovers impressed upon me. i've come a long way, baby, and i have no way to know what will happen in the future. all i know is that being static will bring an end to anything.
and i am grateful- that lay was GOOD. = ) but i'm mostly grateful for that ray of hope. it was a bath in possibility. and it brought me out of a long sexual drought.
and here i am, with endless possibilities in front of me: the professor, the med student, the PA chicky...(i'm so ditching the movie guy- not feelin it!), and then my boy in the dam's been all over that shit as of late...
all i'm sayin is, i'm here. i'm ready. i want to experience it all. if i'm so committed to finding commitment...i need this. yeah i know i did it in my early 20's and early teens but this may be my last shot, until my life partner DIES. = P
and hell, believe me...if i had a chance to lay down (and go out!) with this boy again...i for sure would. no question. we have all kinds of stories yet to share...like escapades of lucy...my f'in gawd it renewed my faith in the fact that there are people out there that i'll just VIBE with sexually. that's why i'm ditching the movie boy. that's why i'm pursuing the professor and il bello! my gawd...fuck.
only one thing that could get in the way: another relationship. that's why i'm so not gonna go there. i'm sick of missing opportunities for connections like this. there were many during my last relationship. i need to spend some time...some serious time...rambling, roaming, and connecting. i won't be lonely ALL the time.
but what can i say...if i connected in a synchronistic setting with someone like that...locked eyes with some of those beautiful browns and wasn't told i had to let go...my god, i might get snatched up. that's some moving shit. the best part is, i understand the unlikelihood of such a discovery, an untied match who is ready and willing, but when they come..the extenuating circumstances will just allow our potential to flourish.

carino bello,
i've let go of my past. forgiven myself, forgiven others.
loving, touching, fucking, chewing, gutting, sucking being with a beautiful stranger such as yourself leaves me with no negative residuals.

in fact, i will look my ex in the eye today and feel no guilt. even though he called me on it, the bad feeling. (i'm done with men who have intuition and aren't even in touch with it.)

i will wear your sweat and smell and hug him, thank him for taking care of my cat.

i know it would slay him. i know he's not at that point yet. i've progressed faster than him. but i think he's really only a few weeks behind.
and if he knows what's good for him, he won't look into it too much or ask me (or himself for that matter) any questions he doesn't really want to have the answer for.

i am composed of many passionate energies, a collection of all the existences i've lived. this strong spirit and intuition guides me. perhaps i am destined to be a serial lover- pouring my heart into each project, whether day long or spanning years, looking for a partnership that i'll never attain. i am ok with that- i will love every minute of it. including the greatest heights and incredulous losses. i'll revel in it ALL- because i am incapable of restraining the outpouring of love from my soul- it guides me at work, in friendship, and in romance. and i'd be LOST without it.

so, now that i'm thinking more about what i really want, i'm ready for my list. next blog. angora's list.



you know, and then there's the aftermath. it makes me sick, where's mine at? the unavoidable connection, sensitivity doesn't capture it...the depth of experience that i invest...the crushing reality that there's another person out there i "could" love. another fucking idea to be in love with. that's it. i can't just live from high to high, i'm longing, begging for someting somewhat sustainable. i hope i shed that out. i'd hate you after 3 months anyway. blah. sigh.

i just heard your moan
and inhaled your sweat
you were right there
face in front of mine
so much to kiss
too much to touch
i exhale
and you're gone