vacation update

high-maintenance relationships

what's the deal with high-maintenance relationships. i mean, if there's sex involved, ok, sometimes, i get it. but WHAT'S the deal with high maintenance friendships.

so i'm in this city. on vaca. and my bff is so hard to handle sometimes. i really struggle with it.

i just want her to have fun. and really, i'll do anything. because if she's not having fun, i'm not having fun. so it's partially me authentically wanting her to enjoy herself, but it's also partially selfish. I want to have fun too, dammit.

so like, if something doesn't go her way, or she gets sick of something, she just shuts up. she doesn't say, "hey, how bout we do this," or "i'm over this already," she just acts like a total downer. and i hate to say it, but sometimes i really feel like it's directed at me.

like tonight at the club, i tried dancing with her when gaga came on, and she just stood there, and looked at me, like "what?". and then our girl came over and did the same thing, and she totally gave in and danced with her, and smiled, and laughed, although she still pretended to hate it. what's up with that? why's she wanna punish me???

i understand. the four agreements, one of them is don't take anything personally. i understand that her treating me like this really has nothing to do with ME. i understand there's some underlying issue, and i could guess what it is, but i won't even go there. i'm just going to go on and do my best to have a good time. which is really hard. = (

i know this is a recurring theme in my life that (the girls are laughing at the pics now of tonight as if they had so much fun) i am overly sensitive, and it is a barrier in my relationships. honestly though, i'm not sure if the problem is THAT i am too sensitive or THAT i choose people that are not right for me, too harsh by some means. maybe that's a question for my therapist.

anyway, i'm sitting in the room with these girls and i can't fucking handle it. nice vacation. fucking bullshit. here i am in a beautiful city and could have so much fun and do whatever i want, but instead i'm fucking worrying about how someone else is OBVIOUSLY not having a good time. i'm sick of only being happy on someone else's swing...it was supposed to be a really fun night. i can't believe this is who i'm with, how it is.

meanwhile, the professor is actually texting (she's acting as if she cares wtf i am doing at this moment) me and saying that he'll find some time. we'll see. i'll believe it when i see it....but god it would be nice. i totally have a fantasy that he'll come around and feel what i could *potentially* feel for him.

anyway, i'll stay in my professor fantasy this week. hopefully the vaca won't totally blow. i want him to touch me. i want someone to touch me. and i want someone to touch my bff too so that she'll be fucking happy for a day.

blah ... blah ... blah ... blah ... blah