belonging

i have no sense of belonging. i think that causes me great anxiety.
i'm constantly concerned about everyone else's needs. i know this is a typical woman thing, but come on. concerned that my EX wants me to stay in bed next to him, even though i've been awake for hours. concerned that my bff will not approve of him spending the night.
i never take care of myself, my house, my belongings. and i'm continually looking for ways to make others happy.
last night i took my ex to a wedding with me as my date. the pre-party was fine, the drive out was fine...but he just doesn't get it. i want someone to put me first, dammit. (maybe i should put me first.)
but seriously. i confirmed that he actually wanted to go 3 separate times over the last month. and he was soooo tired and sick from partying all fucking week long, that by 5pm that day he was done.
you're kidding me. you can't even sacrifice ONE night of partying for me? this is a wedding. i am asking you for more and you're giving me less, yet you are the one who says he is not ready to let go of our relationship. probably bc it would be so easy to keep it here- no effort, occasional booty.
you are right. you can't give me what i need. and i think i'm starting to be ok with that. i love you immensely, but i no longer have passion for you either. only concern.
there are two boys i'd like to hike with today...and i probably won't see either of them. i wonder when i'll stop living my life for everyone else and start living it for myself.
phooey.