vaca continued...

i feel as though i'm in a box. in my vaca, in my relationship status. i might spend a day by myself on this trip to see what might happen. maybe i'll have some serious fun, who knows. it will be pleasurable, at the very least.

i really truly have feelings for the professor. i fantasize about him all the time. it's been like this for so long...on and off for more than three years. his smell...definitely an instinctual connection. and i've never given it to him, only teased. he begged, i teased. that's how it is when we are in person.

however, usually, the interaction is the opposite. it's me wanting his attention, not getting it. me getting thrown just enough scraps to sustain the desire. i know if i read the book "he's just not that into you," it would tell me HELLO?? he's only interested in sex! that's why he's into you when you're there and not when you're not.

but i just doesn't end up to being that simple or linear. sure, maybe the end result is the same, that i should move on and not spend my energy or desire on him, but i tell you the guy is somehow a gentleman, somehow does actually care for me. maybe not to the point that he's capable or willing to give me what i really want, but to the point that i know he honors and appreciates my existence.

a big part of me wants to say fuck it. if he comes around and wants to lay me, let him, i know it will be good. but stop sitting around and thinking about him. stop texting him. stop wishing he was here. but there's another part of me that says...this is a dude who can choose from many to be laid. yet he's continued to pursue me through all these years. maybe once we connect in that capacity, he won't want to let go. maybe it will confirm his curiosity that i am that special lady he's been hoping for.

but eh, probably not. probably just pheromones, and not the lasting kind. the cave man kind. = ( i want love and partnership and dedication. (and hot sex!!)