a new potential

someone new came up. someone that's come up before. i realize that's a contradiction but i'm going with it. (a guy from college, still friends...)

thought about it in college...we were both ALWAYS in long-term relationships.

this is the thing- he has that THING. that thing that makes me laugh and laugh...and he's looking WAY cute these days even though he lives halfway across the world. and a brilliance to match mine...imagine that???

anyway, there's a lot in common. we're both total freaks...in many, many ways. hot ways, weird ways, crazy ways, intense ways...and he's a cancer. i've never actually dated another cancer...come to think of it, our birthday is on the same day. !

anyway, we started joking about how i'm just a couple thousand short of EU citizenship, basically it's my birthright i've just never had the time/money to handle it.

so he starts joking about how he'll marry me to get it too, and i'm like we'll you should just pay for it and then it'll happen a lot sooner!! and then...the conversation went to sex. i told him i might give it up...but if i did...he'd want to marry me anyway, cuz that's what happens to most. = )

i know he's always liked me. not sure if i'm abusing that or not. i dunno...i've just never really looked into it too much...and then today it dawned on me like HELLO.

wtf?? interesting...let's call this one "the musician," since he plays every fucking instrument under the sun.

vaca continued...

i feel as though i'm in a box. in my vaca, in my relationship status. i might spend a day by myself on this trip to see what might happen. maybe i'll have some serious fun, who knows. it will be pleasurable, at the very least.

i really truly have feelings for the professor. i fantasize about him all the time. it's been like this for so long...on and off for more than three years. his smell...definitely an instinctual connection. and i've never given it to him, only teased. he begged, i teased. that's how it is when we are in person.

however, usually, the interaction is the opposite. it's me wanting his attention, not getting it. me getting thrown just enough scraps to sustain the desire. i know if i read the book "he's just not that into you," it would tell me HELLO?? he's only interested in sex! that's why he's into you when you're there and not when you're not.

but i just doesn't end up to being that simple or linear. sure, maybe the end result is the same, that i should move on and not spend my energy or desire on him, but i tell you the guy is somehow a gentleman, somehow does actually care for me. maybe not to the point that he's capable or willing to give me what i really want, but to the point that i know he honors and appreciates my existence.

a big part of me wants to say fuck it. if he comes around and wants to lay me, let him, i know it will be good. but stop sitting around and thinking about him. stop texting him. stop wishing he was here. but there's another part of me that says...this is a dude who can choose from many to be laid. yet he's continued to pursue me through all these years. maybe once we connect in that capacity, he won't want to let go. maybe it will confirm his curiosity that i am that special lady he's been hoping for.

but eh, probably not. probably just pheromones, and not the lasting kind. the cave man kind. = ( i want love and partnership and dedication. (and hot sex!!)

vacation update

high-maintenance relationships

what's the deal with high-maintenance relationships. i mean, if there's sex involved, ok, sometimes, i get it. but WHAT'S the deal with high maintenance friendships.

so i'm in this city. on vaca. and my bff is so hard to handle sometimes. i really struggle with it.

i just want her to have fun. and really, i'll do anything. because if she's not having fun, i'm not having fun. so it's partially me authentically wanting her to enjoy herself, but it's also partially selfish. I want to have fun too, dammit.

so like, if something doesn't go her way, or she gets sick of something, she just shuts up. she doesn't say, "hey, how bout we do this," or "i'm over this already," she just acts like a total downer. and i hate to say it, but sometimes i really feel like it's directed at me.

like tonight at the club, i tried dancing with her when gaga came on, and she just stood there, and looked at me, like "what?". and then our girl came over and did the same thing, and she totally gave in and danced with her, and smiled, and laughed, although she still pretended to hate it. what's up with that? why's she wanna punish me???

i understand. the four agreements, one of them is don't take anything personally. i understand that her treating me like this really has nothing to do with ME. i understand there's some underlying issue, and i could guess what it is, but i won't even go there. i'm just going to go on and do my best to have a good time. which is really hard. = (

i know this is a recurring theme in my life that (the girls are laughing at the pics now of tonight as if they had so much fun) i am overly sensitive, and it is a barrier in my relationships. honestly though, i'm not sure if the problem is THAT i am too sensitive or THAT i choose people that are not right for me, too harsh by some means. maybe that's a question for my therapist.

anyway, i'm sitting in the room with these girls and i can't fucking handle it. nice vacation. fucking bullshit. here i am in a beautiful city and could have so much fun and do whatever i want, but instead i'm fucking worrying about how someone else is OBVIOUSLY not having a good time. i'm sick of only being happy on someone else's swing...it was supposed to be a really fun night. i can't believe this is who i'm with, how it is.

meanwhile, the professor is actually texting (she's acting as if she cares wtf i am doing at this moment) me and saying that he'll find some time. we'll see. i'll believe it when i see it....but god it would be nice. i totally have a fantasy that he'll come around and feel what i could *potentially* feel for him.

anyway, i'll stay in my professor fantasy this week. hopefully the vaca won't totally blow. i want him to touch me. i want someone to touch me. and i want someone to touch my bff too so that she'll be fucking happy for a day.

blah ... blah ... blah ... blah ... blah

vacation

here i am....on vacation. girls' vacation. in one of the most magical, romantic, dark, and twisted colonial cities in the world.
the first day was a bit complacent. blah blah blah.
but last night got a bit more exciting. i see why people love this place, everyone is a rockstar here. we were walking down the street and some bar guy pulls us up onto the balcony...i was like OH that's how you get up there!?
my one chickie friend totally ran up to some 21 year old and make out with him. it was freakin awesome.
and then some shop owner came on strong to my bff. we're totally gonna track him down today too! hopefully he can arrange some substance provision. = P
anyway, each night is getting progressively wilder. i'm into that. hopefully this one will continue the current pattern so i have someone to make out with too.

is it tuesday yet?

aahhhh...conundrum.

i feel so lost. i want my partner back. i've forgotten how we would fight and butt heads and disagree and snap. i'm thinking, maybe it was all ME. maybe i didn't try hard enough, didn't endure enough, didn't sacrifice enough. i should try it again. i should rededicate myself and give it everything.

alas, that won't do it. that can't explain the urge to see others. he's young. he's emotionally underdeveloped. he's a wonderful, loving, devoted man...who can't give me what i need.

today i work work worked alll dayyy longgg. and tomorrow i will too.

and for the first time in a while, i've been teary. not excessively, not weepy. just, you know, occasionally get teary when i think or talk about it. ugh.

my bff is hopefully hooking up with the boy tonight!!! she'll be so happy and understanding about EVERYTHING if she ends up in a place where she gets to make out with HIM on a regular basis. so i'd be a big fan of that.

honestly, i really don't think he's right for her. cuz he's just a *tad* slow. not dumb, but purposefully slow. no sense of urgency. it'll drive her crazy because she's very driven and meticulous. ah well. hopefully she'll get some hot booty out of it before she discovers that herself, and hopefully she'll get out of it satisfied and emotionally unscathed. that's what i really want for her.

BUT- it's really exciting, nevertheless, that she's out with HIM!!

i have a vacation coming up. i'll be sauntering though haunted colonial streets. perhaps get a hook up, perhaps see a beautiful woman dance naked for a little bit of money. perhaps i'll hook up with someone who thinks it's hot to watch (and pay for) me get off on a girl. anyway, my last vacation was amsterdam, and that was a delicious time. not necessarily naughty from a moral standpoint, but indulgent certainly. i hope that this trip rides the line between the two.

progression

so i talked to my EX today. the real EX. not the current ex. the one that i tore up and spit out. the one that locked my heart in the attic for a year.
it was nice.
no really, it was. peaceful. he wanted to talk more about the past, our evolution than i did. i really just wanted to catch up. but it was good. we both talked about both.
but, i felt ready. i felt it's part of my big picture healing process.
and then i was super stoked to know i ditched him bc apparently he's become a libertarian. omg!!! so funny. i hate them the most. = )

i can kinda feel the movie guy is gonna be clingy. not sexy hot desperate clingy, but too soon too insecure clingy. i'll ride this one out another week or two, but it will be easy to lose- just use the ex excuse. it'll work and i'll sound like a martyr.

my crush on the young one is out of control. i wish it would go away. either that, or that he'd reach out to me. for some boo-tay. yeah.

i spent a lot of time lately with the ex. not the big scary capital ex from the first bit of phone call recap, but the current love. in bed, lots. it's like, pretty good. better than usual. but i really am being controlling, and the jealousy is pervasive. if he knew i'd be dating & talking to people he'd be so sad. yet for me...it's different.
anyway, i'm hoping i'll just progress out of it over time...

the professor. still the same. texty text. i wish he'd just see me for christ's sake.

and then the med student. that one...i'll just wait. sit and wait. what's meant to be will be, right? he's out there. not sure if i'm THAT out there...i know parts of me are. maybe he could bring those parts out in me...maybe their the best parts of me and i don't even know it!! ha. as i said, i'm sittin on that one.

apparently this was update on all my crushes blog. as if all the others are not.

(then i guess i should mention the chick. she's around. will see her again. ugggh. so hot.)

things that make ya go hmmmm...

so the date last night- holy moly. my friend forgot to tell me that she's totally HOT. unbelieveable. totally hot. and hilarious, and smart. wow. it seems she wants to go out again... = D
and then, i talked to the movie guy again today. he's been sending me pictures of the movie stars he's been working with! not boring flashy ones. fucked up and prolific sexy older ones. dang!!
and both are turning me on. seriously. when i think about going to bed with the PA chicky...mmm it turns me on. it's been SO long since i've been with a woman.
and something about movie guy turns me on too. his voice is definitely sexy. i just want it so bad!!! it's been a long long time. since i've been properly laid.
not entirely true. in fact, since the ex and i broke up the sex has been really good! but, that's mostly cuz i miss him. and we haven't been getting any. and every time could be the last time. however, i know there will be a next time bc i invited him over tonight to stay... = P
through and through all of this...i'm dreaming about the crush that is almost a decade my junior. blows my f'in mind. there's these hot educated older people that i can actually feasibly have...and i dream about a boy. a young boy. a sexy, hot, intriguing young ... man. i mean, he's a few past 18. ; )
my 1 friend totally eggs me on. interesting bc he's friends with the ex. but no, he's like, go for it. it would be fun. a romp in the sack. he's like, trust me, he'll go for it. i would have definitely if i was his age. and i'm thinkin...yeah...probably. he might. BUT- it's my own fear of rejection holding me back. how mortified would i be if he said no???
i have a fantasy of luring him to my house, feeding him grass & champagne and seducing him. dude, i mean...i could definitely give the kid a blow job that he'd use as the basis of comparison for the rest of his life. that i know.
but anyway...that's that. we'll see what's up. out for now...xox.

i'm kinda busy

soooooo....

i went on a hike with the med student. it was....good.

he's perfect. no, literally. you should see him. it's absurd. he made me breakfast, he packed us a lunch. he's forgiving of my blunder. lets me lead as the rule. a perfect fucking gentleman. totally brilliant. allllll the right values.

anyway, we hiked 8 fucking miles. 8 miles!! and i was chipper the whole way. short of breath at the worst. and i'm not even sore the days after. must've had some MAJOR hormones propelling me.

life is unexpected. i'm really throwing this one to the wind. i totally went after him, got him to spend the day with me. i'll take that. he knows what's out there if that's the way he decides to go.

on another note, i have a date with a lady coming up here. wha hahahaha...

i'm doing pretty good. a bit exhilarated. missed my man somethin serious today. sometime last week, maybe thursday? i had a day like that too. funny. that's when my pms started, and today's when it ended cuz it came. fucking hormones.

i have so much love to give. like a river it flows and flows. who will take it? who can handle this current of emotion, this wave of dedication?? i know i'll blow someone's mind...in a way that makes them want to keep me. what i had with my last was a sweet, tender, and relatively healthy interaction. but it was not sustainable. i need super sustainable.

omg i just realized...going from the last paragraph from the one before could really stain the intent of the said paragraph...pun intended...

i mean, even the med student is a bit on the fringe for me, but that just may be what lies within...

guhmorning

my favorite thing to do:

wake up early (and naturally) as if i'm going to work. say, somewhere between the 5 snd 6 o'clocks. then, get hi. smoke just enough to enjoy the internets and then fall asleep again...

love, love, love, i want your love. (i want your love!)

no really but i'm going hiking with the med student on sunday...turns out he has a gfri. = ( but i DO have to wonder why he waited til the last minute to tell me. then he asked about mine...i gave him a clue there was trouble in paradise, and told him i'd fill in the details when i saw him sunday. also, the reason he was texting was to tell me that his "lady friend" (that's exactly as he wrote it) won't be there on sunday. and my tarot seems to like him...strange. because i am going into this as friends. (the icing is that this friend is total eye candy!!)

i'm supposed to talk to the movie guy today. he was so busy making awesome movies in the wilderness yesterday that he wasn't able to talk.

going to roller derby on sunday. whoo! can't wait for that.

well, thanks, internets. i am now stoned and sleepy enough to go back to bed. ah.....

life is like a box of chocolates

and i'm a clairvoyant. seriously.
i just opened up a box and my eyes went immediately to THE ONE. i knew i was gonna eat it the second i laid eyes on it.
"it's marshmallow," i thought.
now, some people hear marshmallow and say SICK! (like my ex.) but i happen to loovvvve it.
i snatched it up as if someone else were in the room to compete for first choice, and as i was delivering the chocolate to my mouth for a split second, my heart dropped.
"oh no! it's gonna be raspberry," i thought in horror.
but i didn't hesitate for a moment. in less than one full second, that puppy was in my mouth.
and it was fluffy. light, delicious, faintly sweet, and fluffy.
i love me some marsh-mallow. = )
can i pick out a partner this way too???

a bit

i am an experiment of
the human condition
i've accomplished so
much yet i've
actually done
very little
when i die,
they will
dissect my
brain to
see...

head under water

and they tell me to breathe easy for a while

i learned the hard way, they all say things you want to hear.

hello...to high and dry.

words of wisdom from a pop song...gotta love that.

i'm not going to write you a love song. no, i'm really not. i'm not making a play on music. hahaha(no one got that joke but me. if you got it, we're getting married. but you have to tell me TWICE.)

but today was the best. seriously. the bff is over at the ex's...and i'm cool with that. i am!! it feels so good. i mean, i'm not saying i'll never be jealous or angry or sad again about it...but what i can say is that distractions are good.

i landed TWO dates today. count em TWO.

1. the PA chicky. we're meeting for happy hour next thursday!!! she's about 10 older than me, just about perfect if you ask me. = )

2. a cute movie guy. yeah, that's right. he's working on a movie by one of my favorite twisted writers/producers out there. how f'in cool is that. he lives in the state next door...but supposed to be moving here soon. ; )

happiness! (i'm at your feet!)





i want your dirty, i want your disease. i want your loving and i want your revenge, you and me could write a bad romance. and i have, many, many times...still working on publishing that though.

naughty naughty

so i responded to an add on craigslist, for a couple. could be fun. mmmm woman.

also, i was going through some email and found these old poems. (2006). pretty funny, cuz it's this ex that pops in and out every time i'm single. definitely been sending some sexy texts and pics over the last month or so. but these poems were from the last time i was single, when he actually caught my attention...(this time i'd really only be interested in him bending me over ; )

i want to hear that you're going to fuck me
whisper it in my ear
over and over and over and over
say it like i have no choice
like it's the truth
like it's a threat

i had the best masturbation fantasy today
(i'm getting wet just thinking about it)
we were sleeping
and i woke up
and one arm was tied to the bed
my eyelids parted just as you were tying off the second arm

and so you stroked it for a while
pointed it at me
you're so huge

and you part my legs
and circle my clit with your tongue
while you're pulling and pulling

and when i start to get too excited
very, very wet
you pull forward and slowly push yourself inside
and repeat
and repeat
until you are impaling me with your cock
but i am just getting wetter

and well you know the rest.................

i really wish i could tear you apart
but i won't....




my love for you is like fried ice cream
a hard desirable shell on the outside
and spicy sweet and cold in the middle

i am not your friend
i've never been your friend
an easy lay definitely
your lover at best
but never your friend
and i'm not about to start

you told me you'd "love to try" again
but you have no idea what that would take
and i'm telling you now
you don't have it in ya

what i am saying is
i am not your friend
i see you and my skin crawls
my pussy gets wet
my emotions become unstable
i am nervous
i become idealistic and hopeless and romantic
and that is not friendly at all






show me a man that is deserving
and i will show you a woman
who can make his dreams come true

oh my darling
i am so very lonely
how could you just show up like that?
i blocked you out of my mind
my life was not fantastic
but i was not living with THIS feeling
this longing
this sorrow
this resentment
this need

why aren't you more upfront?
why aren't you just MEAN to me?

who is the woman of your dreams?
let me guess
she likes to fuck
ALL THE TIME
she likes to party
every now and then
she'll watch porn with you
and do all sorts a other freaky shit
she's got a highly functioning brain
she has ambition
she's tough
and she holds her own
she likes disturbing movies
and dresses like a rockstar
and parades you around like the prize that you are
now i know a woman like this,
but i guess you wouldn't recognize her if she walked right in front of you...

so listen to this shit
i move out of state
and went through my clothes
3 piles: give away, put away, and stow away
(stow for those i never wear but refuse to give away)
so seal team gets STOW
several weeks ago
and them BAM there you are!
so i must find it
from the BOTTOM of the pile
it resurfaced
and it's been washed sooooo many times
but i SWEAR
when i bury my face in it
i can still find your smell







you need to know NOW
i take it allll back
all the shit i've said
i'm sorry i got so excited
really i am
i SHOULD have known better
actually it sickens me
it's fucking three in the morning

please leave me alone

no xmas
no "let's spend some real time"
just uncomfortable in passing
and i'll become more beautiful with age
i meant it when i told you you'll regret it
and you'll never get me back

and i'll ignore your beauty
and i won't check your fucking pictures online
under a fake id
pictures of bitches
and pictures of beauty
fuck your eyes
fuck your tattoos
fuck your gigantic penis
fuck your defined arms

fuck the tears that i let you make me shed
six years ago and today

you are a waste of my energy
my precious energy
that SOMEONE SOMEWHERE will appreciate
maybe
at least for a minute or two
but not you
oh no, not you
you're far too shallow to comprehend
the gifts that i will one day give
to a man that reeeealllly gets it

i'm serious when i say fuck off






*pretty funny huh*
ah, the recycling of lovers...

my personal paradox

i act rationally, but i think irrationally.
for example, i'll treat people with respect, and communicate in a clear, direct manner, but meanwhile i'm pissed off and tortured and passionate.
how weird is that?

btw ()

i am the girl between parentheses, i don't belong in this sentence.
(or do i?)
i don't belong in this sentence, and i don't belong at your party
i don't belong in his arms, and i don't belong in space
admired by all, sought by none.
i am the girl that brightens up your day
but wouldn't be missed until i was long gone
not only because i leave my footprint and my presence...
but because i probably belong somewhere else.

what city is my home? whose arms are my solace??

belonging

i have no sense of belonging. i think that causes me great anxiety.
i'm constantly concerned about everyone else's needs. i know this is a typical woman thing, but come on. concerned that my EX wants me to stay in bed next to him, even though i've been awake for hours. concerned that my bff will not approve of him spending the night.
i never take care of myself, my house, my belongings. and i'm continually looking for ways to make others happy.
last night i took my ex to a wedding with me as my date. the pre-party was fine, the drive out was fine...but he just doesn't get it. i want someone to put me first, dammit. (maybe i should put me first.)
but seriously. i confirmed that he actually wanted to go 3 separate times over the last month. and he was soooo tired and sick from partying all fucking week long, that by 5pm that day he was done.
you're kidding me. you can't even sacrifice ONE night of partying for me? this is a wedding. i am asking you for more and you're giving me less, yet you are the one who says he is not ready to let go of our relationship. probably bc it would be so easy to keep it here- no effort, occasional booty.
you are right. you can't give me what i need. and i think i'm starting to be ok with that. i love you immensely, but i no longer have passion for you either. only concern.
there are two boys i'd like to hike with today...and i probably won't see either of them. i wonder when i'll stop living my life for everyone else and start living it for myself.
phooey.

happy hour

what a great day so far. i got to work, and no one was there. so i left. came home and finished the rest of the day high.
then, i went to happy hour w a gfri from work. also a queer chick. well, luckily for me, she has someone in mind for me. a hot, educated butch. yes!!! so hard to find in this city. she also recently left a long term relationship, so also looking for fun and companionship but nothing too heavy.
thank god. i've been watching so much lesbian porn lately, that and the suicide girls...it would be so nice to feel that connection, if only for a while.
AND we talked about a way i could get a contract for doing something i have expertise in, without getting caught in the conflict of interest situation that i'd be creating. ha! and extra 5 or 10k could really perk up my life.
ahhhh...anyway. i'm tipsy now and i'm gonna keep hanging out tonight! i didn't just yawn; you didn't see that.

sunrise

i am watching the sun rise
on the forever pink skies
cept forever is a lie
cuz it's gone with the blink of an eye
the pink fades to purple
which in turn fades to blue
i fell asleep last night, phone in hand
thinkin a you
so i step outside
to gaze at the sunrise
and to get a little hi
as the earth breathes a sigh...

random musings

so i was talkin to this guy at work today, and he told me the most interesting story.
i really like this guy. i (obviously) really like a lot of people (i gotta lotta love to give!) but i don't like him like that. i just think he's coo, you know.
so anyway i'm telling him a little about why we're breaking up. about how we don't get along very well, and it's super frustrating, and a little disturbing. even though we love each other a lot.
and he was like, "yeah, better to figure that out now than later on down the road when you have a 15 year old kid at home."
now, i 'know' this guy 'pretty' ok and i've seen pictures of his wife, she's beautiful, and he usually speaks of her fondly. but i felt another side of it coming on.
he told me that things had been "up and down" for them lately (which really always just means down, otherwise why bother pointing it out) so he wants to get her something awesome for her birthday. (btw, when my bfri thought things were [up and] down for our anniversary, his solution was to buy me nothing.) so he bought her a cruise.
and then she had to take some unexpected time off from work, and didn't want to take any extra time off for the cruise. i was like whaaaa???
so he's like whaddya want and her response is "build me a wall". literally. she had him build a wall between their two personal areas for more privacy.
now, i know the healthy reality or potential that this is a good thing, that they are able to enjoy their solo time in their shared house...but what a metaphor. he wanted to take her somewhere romantic, to be intimate, and she told him she'd rather have him build her a wall. and he did.
!


my eyes are listening intently
to a crazy pilates girl
lowering her mass
over glittering shards of glass...
one slight muscle spasm
and i'm gonna have me a beautiful, bloody blond mess.

candy coated trouble

who is this young sage whose affection i crave??
possibly a muse..or a coincidence candied with mystery.
delicious, distant mystery.
there is something delectable found in impossibility; it's the present you never open. the cupcake whose frosting is so sickeningly sweet you wouldn't even dare to spoil the desire..
Perhaps, that is what you are-
a reflection of my desire, a timely pool of vision. a reflection of my desire, or possibly...
the DESIRE for my REFLECTION???

-anyway-
this is just to say, i like seeing yo FACE and sharing a quick embrace in an awkward place.
THANKS!
for sharing a lovely dejected perspective at this carnival of fools.

******************************

i heard from the comedian

and it turns out, he may actually be a nice guy.
he started seeing someone. and thought he should tell me. i thought he should too, dammit, so now i don't have to sit around wondering (or hoping?) that he's gonna call.
and i'm cool with that. i was a little sad weeks ago when he didn't reply, but i'm over that now. now i'm just glad that i can cross him off my list.
and, strangely, i'm also happy that he did turn out to be a nice guy. the kind of guy that doesn't talk sexy on the phone with some cute girl when he's already seeing someone. the kind of guy who doesn't respond to those messages and then makes the time to tell that person that he's not into them.

"bad timing," he said.

i'll say. no worries though. that's ALL GOOD. because timing is everything. and i feel happy that a nice guy hit on me, even though he renegged. i'm confident, because i felt it. i can trust myself.

<3