sexting

how about this. sexting.
i've heard the word. how silly, how embarassing, how true.
late last night i'm fixin to fall asleep, already in bed, and i get a text from the professor:

status?

in bed

that was me inviting him in. he got it.
but what's with that? so we turn each other on, we tell one another what we'd like to do, what we would do, but it still hasn't even been defined if and when that's what we WILL do.
i feel like it gives him, us, an excuse to hide behind. a way out of an actual interaction as humans. in flesh. delicious, delicious flesh.
i mean, i guess sexting is hot if it's actually and definitivelly leading up to something, or following something, or sustaining something, but so far as i can tell, this is not.
let me clue you in on something. our interaction (i certainly can't call it a relationship) has not always been virutual. there's been two opprotunities. once at the very beginning of the relationship i'm now ending, and once very recently. yes, very recently. but i didn't go for it. i couldn't. number one, i was still in my relationship. i couldn't cheat on such a true and pure person. number two, i wasn't gonna lay him cuz he happened to be in town for a board meeting. i don't want it to be like that. i want it to be intentional.
now, when i say i didn't cheat on my boyfriend that is relative. I feel morally secure with what went on between me and the professor, and therefore to me, i didn't cheat. but let me tell you what did happen, because it was fucking hot.
i told my boyfriend i was meeting my crazy friend who lives with her parents, but really i was visiting a hotel in that relative neighborhood (seemed relative). so i met him at his hotel, and we had a drink. we got some happy hour nachos. i had just gotten a tattoo earlier that day (on my upper thigh, had to wear a short skirt). eventually i had to go to his hotel room to wash it off and remove the dressing.
when we got to his room, i did my business. afterward, when i left the bathroom, he was laying on his bed, "watching tv". i joined him. within minutes he was hard, i had my leg thrown over him.
"look what you did," he said, as he pointed to his boner.
"i didn't do that, you did," i replied.
i straddled him, i kissed his cheek, his neck, briefly. he slipped his hand under my panties, i let him play, but not too long. just long enough to know what he was missing.
and then i left.
as i was leaving, however, one more super hot thing went down: we kissed. first time, after a 3 year crush. it was good. we both kiss in the same careful, appreciative way. super hot. and then he dropped to his knees, and started nibbling on the section between my thigh and rest of the show. he tried to soften me into it...but i just couldn't. i couldn't. (i wanted to, so bad.)
and then he walked me to my car. he tried to jump in and make out with me, but i wouldn't let him. we kissed once or twice more, and i said goodbye.
the rest of the weekend was torture. knowing he was there, in my city, and that i couldn't hang out with him, rather that i was choosing not to. that weighed heavily in my break up decision, the regret i faced that weekend.
and then on the drive to my boyfriend's from his hotel, that weezer song came on: "girl! if you're wondering if i want you to, i want you to, so make a move, cuz i ain't got all night....without you, my heart is blue.." and i broke down. while driving, on the freeway, at a high speed. i was crushed. i really like this guy, whether i care to admit it or not. = (
i have yet to call him. hey, he could call me too, but i have yet to call him on the phone and say "i want to see you. will you see me?". if he doens't respond to that, i get the message. i just have to get there. it's hard to get there when i'm planning on staying with you know who on saturday.