here i am today

i am here. here i am.
i'm actually doing pretty good today. yesterday was pretty teary after i left his place. on and off. but i had a sense of peace and strength that carried me through it. and then late last night, this text message came through:

I know im not supposed to write but im so cold and sad right now. I miss ur warmth so bad already baby xox

my reply:

im cold too baby. dont be too sad- i love u.

I wish i was with you and cat

i think u should stay w us after work on wed = P

i want to

k = ) stay warm tonight

so it's that easy, that's how it happens. i guess we'll be staying together on wednesday night. the problem is, if we keep scheduling and scheduling these somehwhat clandestine meetings, and being physically intimate, then it's just gonna drag and drag and hurt and hurt...who knows. i guess i'm into it.
i've never been one to do things the easy way. with the hardest lessons in life, i take the hardest way to get there. so weird. i was like that in school- started HS by failing algebra, i finished HS by setting the curve in trig (and all my classes). in college, i started with a 2.0 (that means average- i failed some and some were easy) and finished with a 4.0. look at it this way- in my last relationship, rather than tell my bfri i want to break up and that i'm not satisfied (even if i'm still sleeping with him), i cheated on him, got him to forgive me, and then let him abuse me for another year before i left. ok??? see? i've grown, dammit. at least i know enough not to cheat and take a bunch of crap for no good reason.
sooooooo.....yeah. that's that. i'll keep you posted. obviously i'm taking the hard way on this in some respects, but compare that to other situations i've been in and i'm fiiiine. i will totally get through this. totally.
here i am today, whole. totally whole. full and whole.
i am full.
i am whole.
i am.
i am.