a glass of wine

a glass of wine, and you're mine.
but not quite. you were this morning, and you could be now, but you're not. i set you free again. sort of.
i went over there last night. it was scandalous. i totally snuck out- it was ridiculous. i was half hiding from my neighbor, and half from myself.
i went over there around 1 or 2am. total booty-call style. but it wasn't. (yet.)
i jumped in bed with him, he was already naked. i didn't want to puff. only snuggle close. he was ragingly hard but i was too sleepy...
sleeping next to him was wonderful, delicious. his warm, soft, body pressed up next to mine. hairy chest. love love love it.
we went out for burgers. we love to eat together. especially burgers. somewhere in the middle of the meal my eyes welled up with tears and i was overcome with emotion. "i just wanna cry," i told me. "me too," he said, "but i'm holding it back." i got it together in a few moments and of course 'brown eyed girl' came on.
yesterday my bff was saying how when you hang out with someone, if you're not really sure if it's right or not, you can tell the difference by that compelling feeling that you want to make out with them. just reach over and kiss them. well, i don't want to do that with him. i only want to kiss his cheek, snuggle close. but not make out. don't get me wrong, i enjoy kissing him...it's sweet. but not passionate.
in the morning, i took care of him. twice. and he took care of me too. it was actually really good, figures. it was hot, fun, naughty...when we're faced with parting of course it will be the best. but still not...that.
the whole time here and there i was admitting that i knew it wasn't right. that we needed space. by the time i left i had proposed a 2 week ban on texting for just cuz, hanging out socially, and late night phone calls so that we can get a clear read on things. basically, i need some space to figure out wtf is going on, and determine how (or if?) i'm going to move on, and i want him to either a) get used to the idea of us not being together (and possibly being friends?) or b) come up with some really good plan of how we can significantly improve our relationship. some kind of rededication, pledging, proclamation of love- i know i'm a dreamer. but that's that PASSION i'm looking for.
right around the corner...my love could be right around the corner. i have to be open to it when it comes. i have to slowly be open to it...
tonight will be tough, usually we watch cartoons together. this morning in bed we had the convo should we impose this 2 week space, or should we say fuck it and just come over and we'll watch cartoons together and you can see the kitty and you can spend the night (in bed with me!!). but at the end we decided the 2 weeks would be really helpful, and there's freakin cartoons every sunday night and this won't be our last chance to watch them together as lovers OR friends. it's up to us, whatever we choose.
and then i find out my bff is going over there to watch with him. = ( and our other mutual friend. so i guess i'll be all alone tonight. in that respect. (i did find someone to come over and hang out with me so i don't have to be completely pathetic and lonely.)
i'm waiting for that distraction. one of these men in the wing to step up and show me some real attention, the distracting kind. then i can see if that makes it clearer. if i'm still stuck on my man then i know that either i'm not ready for dating, or i'm not ready to leave that relationship. i do have a feeling that if one of thesed dudes stepped up it might really serve as a catalyst for me to move on. that way i could be clear with him and say i was sure it wasn't working out, at least not at this point in our lives.
maybe we will cross paths again? maybe we will. who knows. it happens, often.
my love for him is so strong. i have a few friends, some married, some not who feel that there's some compromises that are just worth it. but i'm not convinced i can compromise that undefinable spark. maybe it's in there some where, it would make sense after all these years. but i don't see it. if it's there, it's dim.
well, so much for exercise. this wine is a fine substitue for exercise today. this week i will be brave. tonight is a bit rough because of that whole cartoon thing, but really, i'm not gonna be all melodramatic like the first week after we make the break. no need. i'm just gonna be patient, and mindful of my everyday tasks. cooking, cleaning, exercising, shopping, doing my taxes. living life. relaxing, retreating. reprieve.