i'm gonna dump him

that sounds like the worst thing in the world. so callous, i know. but what can i do. it's my reality. as much as i'm terrified to lose my best friend, my dear, my love, i have no other option.
i have told very few people this secret. that i know it in my heart, that we're not meant to be together. that there's someone out there who will knock my socks off. someone who will give me that feeling i pine for, the one captured so bravely by music and movies. so cliche, i know, but i mean it. i need it. i feed it. (and i feed on it.)
imean, why's that so much to ask for? someone with the kind of passion as me??? i meet people, i think they're like that, they're probably not. i mean, well maybe they even are, but they're still not for me. why isn't there someone for me??
and i mean, there's lots of us out there. i mean, probably you. you're probably sitting there thinking, where's my soul connection? or maybe you're jaded, maybe you've accepted to live without it. (or maybe you found yours, you lucky bastard.) or maybe your wandering, hoping, idealizing...like me.
anyway, i started the process. i told him i was pretty much there. it was traumatic. but then, i kind of reneged. i felt so lost without him near me, by my bed, being my sweetie...i only missed the good stuff. i lost sight of the extreme frustration, the anger, the uncomfortable sex...the feeling deep in my heart that he's not "that person" for me.
and i'm a friggin idiot. did i mention that?? he's got all the qualities. we're perfect for each other. we love hiking, the same music, eating delicious delicious farmers' markets foods & dinner together, the same movies, i could go on and on and on. he's queer-friendly (completely), not afraid to be places where he can't speak the language, he's got a pure heart, and he's brilliant. did i mention that? an aspiring professor, a PhD candidate, a published scientist. with the same time line and desired destinations as me. wtf??? why would i give that up?? and we've been together 3 years. did i mention how much he loves me?
but i know it's not right. i know it. deep in my heart. it's so sad. it's gonna be terrible.
but shhhhhhh. it's a secret.