bootyologist

i'm no expert. i'm just a sharer. i never claimed to be an expert.
i'm getting ready for a drag show. by getting ready i mean smoking a roach. i'm wearing a very short skirt- hoping that the girl of my dreams will give me her number. well, at least the girl of the week. maybe? a date tomorrow night? it's actually the only night i'm free. ; )
i just want someone cute to look at, to turn me on. my bff if falling for her best man-friend. so fun to fall in love.
i texted the comedian. i know i shouldn't have- i should've either called like a normal person, or not contacted him at all. but i did the chicken move. no response.
actually this is not a drag show i'm going to, but a pageant. how fun.
my bff just called- she's stopping at taco bell. naughty, delicious taco bell. one bean taco for me, please.
there's this adorable chicky i know. whenever i'm watching lesbo porn and i get all hot wishing i had a hot girl to do, i think of her...and sometimes it gets the best of me and i text her. once it was fun, playful...but she never still has my number in her phone. today i texted her:

really tho girl, we should. u would't regret it. (promise) if ur worried about yr boyfriend...i don't mind, he can watch!

and this is what i got in return:

Hmmm. Not sure who this is. But NO.

ha, well, i get no. no means no. i'm quite sure her no would have been a "lol, nooo...." had she known it was ME, but NO=nooo.... just the same.
she is hot though. not the type i'd date, just the type i'd do. small like me, only in great shape. long black hair, dyed. goth with a kitty complex. mrawr. (me too ; )

blind faith

i have blind faith in love as some people have blind faith in god. there's nothing physical or literal proving his existence, but his followers just know. there is a sense of confidence they carry with them, a sense of protection, a sense of contentment that he is watching and he loves infinitely.
well, when i woke up this morning, my sense of faith was extrememly strong. i am faithful that i will find my love. (and his name will not be yaweh or jesus.) i have with me today a strong, confident sense of understanding that i may need to be patient, but the love i am looking for is out there. perhaps i know him (or her) already, perhaps i have considered them, perhaps i have not. maybe this person is yet to me introduced or named. but when i woke up, i felt that this would be a good weekend, filled with hope, hope for the future, hope for moving on. (even though i'm planning on spending the night with my guy/my ex. i'm still not sure which i should be calling him.)
and then when i left my house to go to work, the sky was a radiant pink. the most amazing sunrise, i have seen plenty of them lately. breathtaking. and i knew, this was my reassurance, that the feeling inside me was true. it was pervasive. the color of the clouds matched me- the hot pink of the letters on my shirt, my bra, and the socks sticking out of my knee-high boots. and the powder pink pink of my scarf, my thong, mirrored the lighter hues. (all of this balanced by black, black, and more black. riot grrl.) i knew that the fact that the sky matched my exuding sexiness, that i was right. i can have this blind faith.
and things just went up from there. first, when i got to work, a colleague told me her friend had been asking about me. that he was moving back in town, and was hoping to see me. blushing!!! like one of those clouds...he's cute. a hiker type, not yet named in this here blog...short, strong. definitely would take me out for a NICE night.
that's my new thing. i need guys that can hold their own. (not that my most recent didn't, he just wans't a spoiler.)
and then, the med student called. left me like a 4 minute message. no hike tomorrow, but next week for sure. (i may be busy ; ) but i was like yesss! i'm in fire. fire that that sunrise, i know it.
and the icing was the adorable boy (way too young for me) who seems flattered by my attention, and leaves incredible drawings fully knowing i'll steal them. nothing wrong with a little fantasy thrown in with all that possibility...
and to top it all off, i'm going to sleep with you know who tonight. i can't wait. i know he's totally excited about the lack of underwear under my short skirt. actually, he just texted reminding me to bring condoms.
ah...if only this would last...i have blind faith that eventually it will. = )

sexting

how about this. sexting.
i've heard the word. how silly, how embarassing, how true.
late last night i'm fixin to fall asleep, already in bed, and i get a text from the professor:

status?

in bed

that was me inviting him in. he got it.
but what's with that? so we turn each other on, we tell one another what we'd like to do, what we would do, but it still hasn't even been defined if and when that's what we WILL do.
i feel like it gives him, us, an excuse to hide behind. a way out of an actual interaction as humans. in flesh. delicious, delicious flesh.
i mean, i guess sexting is hot if it's actually and definitivelly leading up to something, or following something, or sustaining something, but so far as i can tell, this is not.
let me clue you in on something. our interaction (i certainly can't call it a relationship) has not always been virutual. there's been two opprotunities. once at the very beginning of the relationship i'm now ending, and once very recently. yes, very recently. but i didn't go for it. i couldn't. number one, i was still in my relationship. i couldn't cheat on such a true and pure person. number two, i wasn't gonna lay him cuz he happened to be in town for a board meeting. i don't want it to be like that. i want it to be intentional.
now, when i say i didn't cheat on my boyfriend that is relative. I feel morally secure with what went on between me and the professor, and therefore to me, i didn't cheat. but let me tell you what did happen, because it was fucking hot.
i told my boyfriend i was meeting my crazy friend who lives with her parents, but really i was visiting a hotel in that relative neighborhood (seemed relative). so i met him at his hotel, and we had a drink. we got some happy hour nachos. i had just gotten a tattoo earlier that day (on my upper thigh, had to wear a short skirt). eventually i had to go to his hotel room to wash it off and remove the dressing.
when we got to his room, i did my business. afterward, when i left the bathroom, he was laying on his bed, "watching tv". i joined him. within minutes he was hard, i had my leg thrown over him.
"look what you did," he said, as he pointed to his boner.
"i didn't do that, you did," i replied.
i straddled him, i kissed his cheek, his neck, briefly. he slipped his hand under my panties, i let him play, but not too long. just long enough to know what he was missing.
and then i left.
as i was leaving, however, one more super hot thing went down: we kissed. first time, after a 3 year crush. it was good. we both kiss in the same careful, appreciative way. super hot. and then he dropped to his knees, and started nibbling on the section between my thigh and rest of the show. he tried to soften me into it...but i just couldn't. i couldn't. (i wanted to, so bad.)
and then he walked me to my car. he tried to jump in and make out with me, but i wouldn't let him. we kissed once or twice more, and i said goodbye.
the rest of the weekend was torture. knowing he was there, in my city, and that i couldn't hang out with him, rather that i was choosing not to. that weighed heavily in my break up decision, the regret i faced that weekend.
and then on the drive to my boyfriend's from his hotel, that weezer song came on: "girl! if you're wondering if i want you to, i want you to, so make a move, cuz i ain't got all night....without you, my heart is blue.." and i broke down. while driving, on the freeway, at a high speed. i was crushed. i really like this guy, whether i care to admit it or not. = (
i have yet to call him. hey, he could call me too, but i have yet to call him on the phone and say "i want to see you. will you see me?". if he doens't respond to that, i get the message. i just have to get there. it's hard to get there when i'm planning on staying with you know who on saturday.

he's gonna call me

he is gonna call me. i'm putting it out there.
he's a thoughtful person, who was so passionate at the beginning, but then his rationale (sensitivity) kicked in.
(clearly this is when my delusions are kicking in.)
but now that he's back in town, for a few days, he'll call. even if it's just a one weekend booty call thing, i'm down. we'll see what's up.
and if he doesn't call, i'll call him. monday. that should give him enough chance to call me first.
i'm talking about the comedian. the one that wouldn't leave me alone and then disappeared. the one i tried to tell i needed more space and to be patient a week or two, and then one day told me that very same thing and then disappeared? yeah, the one who said he'd be in town at the end of feb or beginning of march. and he'd call me then. well, we'll see if he calls me.
it would be so fucking nice to just have a companion that gives his attention to me. that looks at me with a gaze and spoils me. even for just a day or two.
to rumble around in the sheets and play and feel the warmth of someone next to me...someone hard, and ready, who turns me on and makes me crazy. the smell of new, curious flesh.
i wonder if he'll call me.
no, he's gonna call me. i'm putting it out there, into the universe. he wants some fun, he wants to play, he wants a companion. he wants to get laid as bad as i do.
he's gonna call me. but i won't wait by the phone.

nasty

unfortunately, i'm not talking about the good, hot kind of nasty.
i mean, seriously? i totally do it. i'm a nasty girl. i push...ok i'm probably not THAT bad. there's other women out there that are way worse. but, i push buttons, on purpose, to be mean, to get attention. to retain attention. i don't get it.
so, yesterday was wednesday and he did NOT stay over. we had a good night at work, we came home, we hung out for a bit, and he tucked me in. clothed. really, my stomach was KILLING me, and i had to get up at 4:30, and he had some shit going on in the lab. so it wasn't the best night, we rescheduled for saturday.
ugh. this is crazy.
just after i wrote how mean i am i started to text him an apology, cuz really i felt bad. but then he called me mid-message creation, and i got to tell him...and he told me he's going to see avatar with his stupid boyfriend!! we tried to go together twice and it kept being sold out. we even tried to go last weekend, since we've been broken up! ugh.
i'm an ass. i'm sitting here thinking how i don't want to go eat at my friend's cuz "everyone else" is gonna be there but him, and i'll miss him like crazy. and he's off planning to do something he was supposed to do with me!!
"it just didn't work out. we tried."
what a metaphor...for our relationship.

idk

idk, what a day.
i'm not sure where that one went. i started by calling my guy, and bitching about my bff. how the only reason we're not spending time together is her. then, i went to the state house of reps where they voted to can my job.
what else can i say. i'm not even sad anymore. i'm laughing. like, really? really??? what next? bring it on.
i was totally looking for my future husband today at the house though. i saw him twice, but they both were married. already. and i don't go for married men- anymore. (that's a very long back story.) anyway, i was looking for a hot activist man (or woman). an outspoken one. a sexy one.
i texted with the professor crush a bit when i was waiting at the house listening to the other lonnnnnnnnng winded bills before the one i gave a shit about. he's so weird. lately. he engages up to a point- but then bails. i can't figure out why he doesn't want to actually see me- either he wants it to be so easy and has realized that's it's not gonna be that way with me so he's lost intrest (but still thinks it's fun to string me along), OR he really actually likes me and thinks that the timing is still not quite right (maybe cuz my break-up is still so fresh?). i'm banking on the first one but i'd still like to at least get laid after this 3 year *thing* we have.
anyway, i was thinking of him today because being at a place like the house of reps would ONLY be fun with him. everything would be funny if he were there. we would make fun of everyone. i would enjoy myself, only to be crushed by the news of my job's fate. and then he would have made me laugh about the pig proposing the bill fucking me over, and he'd fuck me...and at least i'd be smiling at the end of the night. at least.
blah, blah blah...fantasy land. i lived in fantasy land through my entire relationship. much of it with this guy. ay. what to do...

more

ugh, what is it; i'm just so ANGRY. grr!!
i just don't want her advice any more, i want her support. and if she can't give that to me, we won't be friends.
nuff said!!
eerrrh.

i was poisoned

we had a beautiful dinner. delicious, healthy, plentiful. comfort and exotic food. then a few minutes later, we finished with a browine. a perfect, delcious dark chocolate brownie with cream cheese topping and mini-chocolate chips.
"mmmm! this is delicious, i said. "where did it come from?" i could swear i'd had it before.
and she told me that it came from him.
i broke down, i couldn't finish it, i left. for the first time ever, i just up and left her place. she poisoned me. with his brownie, his love, his lovely brownie.
then i came back here and called him and yelled at him for doing that. for making delicious brownies, not with or for me.
he told me he didn't really understand what i was so upset about.
i told him that i didn't know how he could just go on with life, hang out, go to parties, make brownies. i told him i was pissed that he stole my friend for cartoons and he'd steal my friend again for tv on tuesday.
i am pissed about that.
super pissed.
but there's nothing i can do. it's my choice, and i have to go through it. don't i? or don't i?? i told him i was pissed that he got to watch all the fun tv with our friend and then he was just gonna come over here on wednesday and get laid. i told him i didn't think that was cool, on principle. (even though he and i both know i have the upper hand here.)
ugh. anyway. that's that. how'm i gonna get through this??

here i am today

i am here. here i am.
i'm actually doing pretty good today. yesterday was pretty teary after i left his place. on and off. but i had a sense of peace and strength that carried me through it. and then late last night, this text message came through:

I know im not supposed to write but im so cold and sad right now. I miss ur warmth so bad already baby xox

my reply:

im cold too baby. dont be too sad- i love u.

I wish i was with you and cat

i think u should stay w us after work on wed = P

i want to

k = ) stay warm tonight

so it's that easy, that's how it happens. i guess we'll be staying together on wednesday night. the problem is, if we keep scheduling and scheduling these somehwhat clandestine meetings, and being physically intimate, then it's just gonna drag and drag and hurt and hurt...who knows. i guess i'm into it.
i've never been one to do things the easy way. with the hardest lessons in life, i take the hardest way to get there. so weird. i was like that in school- started HS by failing algebra, i finished HS by setting the curve in trig (and all my classes). in college, i started with a 2.0 (that means average- i failed some and some were easy) and finished with a 4.0. look at it this way- in my last relationship, rather than tell my bfri i want to break up and that i'm not satisfied (even if i'm still sleeping with him), i cheated on him, got him to forgive me, and then let him abuse me for another year before i left. ok??? see? i've grown, dammit. at least i know enough not to cheat and take a bunch of crap for no good reason.
sooooooo.....yeah. that's that. i'll keep you posted. obviously i'm taking the hard way on this in some respects, but compare that to other situations i've been in and i'm fiiiine. i will totally get through this. totally.
here i am today, whole. totally whole. full and whole.
i am full.
i am whole.
i am.
i am.

today's reading

a glass of wine

a glass of wine, and you're mine.
but not quite. you were this morning, and you could be now, but you're not. i set you free again. sort of.
i went over there last night. it was scandalous. i totally snuck out- it was ridiculous. i was half hiding from my neighbor, and half from myself.
i went over there around 1 or 2am. total booty-call style. but it wasn't. (yet.)
i jumped in bed with him, he was already naked. i didn't want to puff. only snuggle close. he was ragingly hard but i was too sleepy...
sleeping next to him was wonderful, delicious. his warm, soft, body pressed up next to mine. hairy chest. love love love it.
we went out for burgers. we love to eat together. especially burgers. somewhere in the middle of the meal my eyes welled up with tears and i was overcome with emotion. "i just wanna cry," i told me. "me too," he said, "but i'm holding it back." i got it together in a few moments and of course 'brown eyed girl' came on.
yesterday my bff was saying how when you hang out with someone, if you're not really sure if it's right or not, you can tell the difference by that compelling feeling that you want to make out with them. just reach over and kiss them. well, i don't want to do that with him. i only want to kiss his cheek, snuggle close. but not make out. don't get me wrong, i enjoy kissing him...it's sweet. but not passionate.
in the morning, i took care of him. twice. and he took care of me too. it was actually really good, figures. it was hot, fun, naughty...when we're faced with parting of course it will be the best. but still not...that.
the whole time here and there i was admitting that i knew it wasn't right. that we needed space. by the time i left i had proposed a 2 week ban on texting for just cuz, hanging out socially, and late night phone calls so that we can get a clear read on things. basically, i need some space to figure out wtf is going on, and determine how (or if?) i'm going to move on, and i want him to either a) get used to the idea of us not being together (and possibly being friends?) or b) come up with some really good plan of how we can significantly improve our relationship. some kind of rededication, pledging, proclamation of love- i know i'm a dreamer. but that's that PASSION i'm looking for.
right around the corner...my love could be right around the corner. i have to be open to it when it comes. i have to slowly be open to it...
tonight will be tough, usually we watch cartoons together. this morning in bed we had the convo should we impose this 2 week space, or should we say fuck it and just come over and we'll watch cartoons together and you can see the kitty and you can spend the night (in bed with me!!). but at the end we decided the 2 weeks would be really helpful, and there's freakin cartoons every sunday night and this won't be our last chance to watch them together as lovers OR friends. it's up to us, whatever we choose.
and then i find out my bff is going over there to watch with him. = ( and our other mutual friend. so i guess i'll be all alone tonight. in that respect. (i did find someone to come over and hang out with me so i don't have to be completely pathetic and lonely.)
i'm waiting for that distraction. one of these men in the wing to step up and show me some real attention, the distracting kind. then i can see if that makes it clearer. if i'm still stuck on my man then i know that either i'm not ready for dating, or i'm not ready to leave that relationship. i do have a feeling that if one of thesed dudes stepped up it might really serve as a catalyst for me to move on. that way i could be clear with him and say i was sure it wasn't working out, at least not at this point in our lives.
maybe we will cross paths again? maybe we will. who knows. it happens, often.
my love for him is so strong. i have a few friends, some married, some not who feel that there's some compromises that are just worth it. but i'm not convinced i can compromise that undefinable spark. maybe it's in there some where, it would make sense after all these years. but i don't see it. if it's there, it's dim.
well, so much for exercise. this wine is a fine substitue for exercise today. this week i will be brave. tonight is a bit rough because of that whole cartoon thing, but really, i'm not gonna be all melodramatic like the first week after we make the break. no need. i'm just gonna be patient, and mindful of my everyday tasks. cooking, cleaning, exercising, shopping, doing my taxes. living life. relaxing, retreating. reprieve.

my pledge

i promise to take you through this process with me, play by play.
i promise to be honest, even when i'm making the wrong choice.
i promise to share all of my feelings, no matter how twisted or difficult they may be.
i also promise to publish some of my older stuff (my history of romance, other poems, etc) when i have nothing fresh to share with you from my brain.

i also promise to update you on my crushes. see, i haven't menionted them yet because i'm in such darkness. but they exist. there's a professor, a comedian, a medical student, and more. this decision to break up with my boyfriend is a LONG time coming. i've given it over a year's thought- because i love him so much- but deep in my heart i know it's right. there are cute people out there i want to spend time with!!

i do plan on going to his house tonight. very late. and not even for a booty call. in fact, i'll probably give something up but not take it- i do it out of love. i don't even want it- it's not that good- i know there are men (and women) out there who will turn me on properly. but it's not him. but i do wish it was him!!!!! such a wonderful man...

and who knows. maybe one day it will be him. maybe i just need to set him free and let him sleep with a few more people. = P

probably not though. i hope we stay friends. our frienship is the strongest aspect of our relationship.

it's back

two weeks ago i brought it on him. it lasted a week, and we went back to the sex, the love, the caring...but not the companionship. that made it seem like we undid it. and i felt better. i hit an oasis.
and then yesterday, as i started this blog, it came back. i know it's true. i know we must sever. i saw him today, we had lunch with my mom since she's leaving town tomorrow. he's just so cute...so irresistible. i love his hair, his skin, the clothes he wears...but that still doesn't make me want to fuck him. i wish it did.
i love my teddy bear. i'm going to crawl in bed with him tomorrow night- i know it's wrong- but i'm gonna do it. and then i'm going to tell him that it's wrong and that we can't do it anymore...my god what's wrong with me. i feel so lost.
lost, tossed, and confused. i got the blues.
i wish i had some comfort. i wish i could move on. i wish someone would sweep me off my feet. i wish HE would sweep me off my feet- beg me to stay, let his love flow, always put me first, never hurt my feelings with the sharpness of his tongue.
but he will. he has and he will. i must move on. i must move on if i want to open the door for the right person to come in.
i need help. love and support. and lots and lots of help.

i'm gonna dump him

that sounds like the worst thing in the world. so callous, i know. but what can i do. it's my reality. as much as i'm terrified to lose my best friend, my dear, my love, i have no other option.
i have told very few people this secret. that i know it in my heart, that we're not meant to be together. that there's someone out there who will knock my socks off. someone who will give me that feeling i pine for, the one captured so bravely by music and movies. so cliche, i know, but i mean it. i need it. i feed it. (and i feed on it.)
imean, why's that so much to ask for? someone with the kind of passion as me??? i meet people, i think they're like that, they're probably not. i mean, well maybe they even are, but they're still not for me. why isn't there someone for me??
and i mean, there's lots of us out there. i mean, probably you. you're probably sitting there thinking, where's my soul connection? or maybe you're jaded, maybe you've accepted to live without it. (or maybe you found yours, you lucky bastard.) or maybe your wandering, hoping, idealizing...like me.
anyway, i started the process. i told him i was pretty much there. it was traumatic. but then, i kind of reneged. i felt so lost without him near me, by my bed, being my sweetie...i only missed the good stuff. i lost sight of the extreme frustration, the anger, the uncomfortable sex...the feeling deep in my heart that he's not "that person" for me.
and i'm a friggin idiot. did i mention that?? he's got all the qualities. we're perfect for each other. we love hiking, the same music, eating delicious delicious farmers' markets foods & dinner together, the same movies, i could go on and on and on. he's queer-friendly (completely), not afraid to be places where he can't speak the language, he's got a pure heart, and he's brilliant. did i mention that? an aspiring professor, a PhD candidate, a published scientist. with the same time line and desired destinations as me. wtf??? why would i give that up?? and we've been together 3 years. did i mention how much he loves me?
but i know it's not right. i know it. deep in my heart. it's so sad. it's gonna be terrible.
but shhhhhhh. it's a secret.