you are here.

i think i've finally located that place. it's somewhere between st. patty's day and cinco de mayo. all the poached catholic holidays turned to vomit fiestas.
i'm at the bottom of the well. looking up. the walls sweat beads of fear that cling desperately to the eroding structure. every minute and a half a "plink" hits the bottom of the well- one more memory falls to the cesspool below.
and i lay there. dress tattered, shoes smudged. my skin tears easily against the aged pavement. more than one trickle of blood makes its journey from my face to my ankles.
who pushed me down here? and how the fuck do i get up? i was full. and now i have nothing left.
i've been here before, and i don't remember how i got out. i think i just started building...slowly...but this well is deeper and more narrow than any i've ever dove into.
i will pray. and be patient. and pine. prayer, patience, and pining. oh my.
let's get specific here:
the monster. i know my expectations are dashingly unrealistic. but are they?? my only expectation is that we have some kind of a connection that would cause him to think of me. the communication has dropped way off. that's OK- it makes sense. but...how much of it makes sense? and how much of it am i obviously being a moron?? should i chalk it up to reality, or am i being duped? i realize that time will tell. he'll either show at the wedding, or he won't. and if he doesn't...well...that will be a tall glass to drink. a lesson i'm not asking nor hoping for.
the money. i am fucking broke as a joke. literally. i am about a half month behind on my bills, and it's going to be several months before i build that back up. i haven't done my taxes yet. i'm hoping that's no biggie, just a late fee or something??? hopefully the tax refund will bail me out before the wedding...
the ex. saw him yesterday. first, we fought on the phone for 45 minutes and i freaked out as usual. then, he apologized for being a fucking asshole as usual. then he came over...and NOT as usual, we had a really positive, tender exchange. even got in a private clothed and couched 5 minute snuggle. it was delicious...i'm still dreaming of it. in fact, when i think of it, i tear up. i'm starting to miss him again. not in a desperate i need him way, but in a fond, oooh that's not a dime a dozen kinda way. if only...
and the date. today is a special day for me. my father died today. and i'm not sure what to do with that. see, i never knew him. i know his family, even though they live on the other side of the ocean...but i dunno. he was apparently a chauvinist, probably would have divorced my mom anyway. but what does that mean? i don't imagine he's "watching" me, but where did his energy go? is it with me now?? i was his only offspring. there are actually some fantastical black magic circumstances that are alleged to have influenced his death. what does that mean? and why did his best friend tell me that??
and work!! i forgot about work. it's at max. can't say anymore. because i should be working right now.
anyway...here i am...at the bottom of this dingy well. i can barely see the light at the top. so i lay here...looking up. my head is propped up on a stone so that my scalp doesn't soak in the black water bottom with the rest of my hair. it's sticking into the back of my skull but i don't mind. the annoying pain of the stone is nothing compared to the aching in my body from what must have been my fall...which is nothing compared to the pain in my heart that i must ignore to persevere forward at this time.