now I am a monster

that's right, you got it. i capitalized that "i".
seriously though, wtf is wrong with me. i'm starting to think maybe it's that pill. that godforsaken no-baby pill. arrrrgggghhh!!!! need to get past the first month....
but for now, i want to scream, cry, tear my hair out, rip your head off...i just reamed my ex out for being a sweetheart. help me!!
i mean, i got down on my knees and begged. (i do that a lot lately.) i understand it's these hormones making me feel CRAZY right now, but it's the underlying bull shit that sparks it all.
i know i shouldn't complain, but i will.
i'm very possibly going to lose my fucking job. my job that i LOVE that doesn't even pay the bills...but it does pay my health care...
and right now my job is OVERWHELMING. same as everybody else, right?
and i'm sick of being lost...i don't even care about being lonely...but it's that unguided free floating feeling that i fear.
i love and love and love and love but where the fuck does it come from? i have this outpouring of care and desire and nurturing for everyone in my life. who's replenishing this? am i supposed to find the time to do that???
can someone PLEASE turn my emotions off. for one minute. one day?? puh-leeease. stop loving. everyone.
i'm such a facade. my boss is losing her mom right now. there are beautiful children wrought with disease and famine. and i go through life touting how great i am, how great everything is. while inside i'm FREAKING OUT. but why? i'm fed. yeah sure, i have a credit problem. most folks in the world don't even know what credit IS and sure as fuck no one is going to give them any.
some people have a problem that they don't love enough. i love EVERYTHING. how to stop??
the weed is a problem. i know this. i spoke on the phone with my OTHER EX last night and he was telling me he quit. now...i'm not one for cold turkey (even though that's how i quit cigs) but i do know i'm an addict. have you seen half baked? bob saget is all like, "you're addicted to marijuana? no one's addicted to marijuana! let me ask you this, how many times you sucked dick for POT?" or something like that. and it's true! it's not like alcohol, or opiates, but i'm definitely psychologically dependent on it. even the monster was telling me i should clear my head for a while!!!
meh, who knows. i *should*. doesn't mean i will. i'm fighting other battles right now....right???