adventures of ms. messy

what can i say. been a week or so.
today at work i smoked up with my ex, and this adorable 20-yr old artist/model boy, at the same time. i'm sure he was SUPER jealous, but what you gonna do? the kid's adorable, an innocent crush...in fact, i dig this boy so respectfully we've even had that CONVO, that "this is just friends" (among flirtation) convo. and then, the movie guy stopped by.
the movie guy...well...just not engaging enough. not smart enough. ha.

wow. just found this drafted. basically, i dumped him. = )
anyway...thought it should post.

blowing off work

i am sick of being a fool for you, time after time.

you are the presiding insignificance on this stage where i dance.

i am working on building an apparent shell. i realize my infinite compassion prevents me from the benefit of an actual barrier, yet the arrangement of that which emulates a layer of protection will still offer me solace.

right??

i am not well. i am obsessively indulgent. i am inattentive to the core. my eyes are on the clouds, my head is considering my sunburn, whilst my raft is about to go over the falls.

i am a simple, desperate, misguided, frivolous, hopeless, damaged, cowardly, and unattached person for loving you.

i deserve nothing.

and you certainly don't deserve me- none of me.

i am ill with the will to hold me back from you.

perhaps then i can rebuild my temple.

two weeks til monster

-The New-friend love that you totally trust. The love that tells you you’re beautiful and deserve the world. The love that sends you champagne and cookies because what else would you possibly need?

http://takeelah.blogspot.com/2010/05/word-of-day-vol-xx.html

yesterday was a crazy day. met a new tattoo artist...blah. too tired. mwah!

runaway train

here's the deal- you are just a little scary to me. that's why i call you monster!! but leave it to music, even old, played-out music, to help me put it all together.
this morning on my way to work i heard "runaway train," and i realized you are my runaway train.
so here you are...much like me. but from a different starting point. excuse me for saying it out loud, but it appears you had a very sexually repressive upbringing...and long term relationship. obviously, you are enjoying your freedom. you are a happy go lucky runaway train!! i, on the other hand, had a very sexually liberal upbringing- and they both have their faults. i've gotten much tamer in my late 20s since i started in my mid-teens!! anyway, i know what you're capable of, because we are so similar. ; )
you gotta do your thing. i gotta do mine. in the meantime we have this connection...
"bought a ticket for a runaway train, like a madman laughin at the rain. little out of touch, little insane; just easier than dealing with the pain..."
so i DID buy my runaway train a ticket...and i certainly feel like a madwoman lately. but it's my choice- to you love you, my runaway train- because that is easier than dealing with the reality of my loneliness and dysfunction. the song is all about how lost the dude is (me) and his one consolation.
anyway, blah blah blah. i'm fine with that. you are so fun. i adore you.
i answered an online personal ad from a couple!! = ^ ^ =

today

i've been waiting patiently for weeks, every saturday morning. finally, today you show up wearing no wedding ring. i don't need a backstory.
why yes, you can have my number, take a number, get in line, here's my card. you are #2 in the downstairs break rotation.
i take you to my car. we smoke. we connect. we talk about all the most important things, like wine, and meditating with your eyes open. and then...
you take off your sunglasses. blue eyes? blue eyes! you didn't tell me you have VIBRANT blue eyes!?
i was hoping for brown, or hazel, or green, or honey...or something like that.

i sno t impressed.

i'm sleepy. yet i feel compelled to write.
i have a date with the PA lady on saturday. we're going to see my friend's drag show!! i figured that'd be a good one for us. and then 12 hours later, it dawned on me...if the right chemistry is there, i could get LAID on saturday night!!! the potential is there.
oh, and by the way, i gave my ex a bj today. seemed like the right thing to do. i certainly wasn't going to let him try to touch me. i used the excuse that we didn't have enough time to spend, and i didn't want a quickie. i want attention. which is true, but i still know that his attention won't satisfy me. anyway, he's out of town for the weekend, which is a good thing. i seem to be successful at building some emotional distance when we have physical distance. last break we had we reached a no-intercourse plateau. maybe now we can reach a no-blowjobs plateau. and getting laid last time on vaca certainly helped me create and maintain that distance...so maybe getting laid THIS weekend could help me to do that too. : )
i am SO tired though. SO tired of everything. yes the hormones, yes the weed, yes the job stress, yes the break-up stress, yes the lonely stress, yes the missing some new boy i don't know stress, yes to the mess of the stress and i'm not impressed. i digress per the mess.
my apartment is a friggin disaster. i am going to talk to my counselor about it tomorrow, which i rarely do. well, i mention it, but i don't go into detail. and i allow her to believe that she's intervened and that i have the self-efficacy to come home and DO it.
well, here's the good part. i have a friend and his girl staying over next thursday night. guests are always extremely helpful in terms of getting my visual act together. and it's not that i'm THAT far gone. it's just that i DON'T want to do it. it causes me physical pain. (almost)
i've been looking at personal ads. that's where folks start, right? look at them for a while, and eventually decide to post one of my own? i've viewed it all...from the down in dirty craigslist (i actually identified one as my friend and a second as *perhaps* this other person i know...), the free plentyofish crap, and the pay for matches and yahoos. i'd totally do it if i was bored here in my current situation. which i'm not. i'm nearly overwhelmed, in fact. BUT, when i get bored, i'm so there!!
anyway, sleepy time time. have a good night, internets.

now I am a monster

that's right, you got it. i capitalized that "i".
seriously though, wtf is wrong with me. i'm starting to think maybe it's that pill. that godforsaken no-baby pill. arrrrgggghhh!!!! need to get past the first month....
but for now, i want to scream, cry, tear my hair out, rip your head off...i just reamed my ex out for being a sweetheart. help me!!
i mean, i got down on my knees and begged. (i do that a lot lately.) i understand it's these hormones making me feel CRAZY right now, but it's the underlying bull shit that sparks it all.
i know i shouldn't complain, but i will.
i'm very possibly going to lose my fucking job. my job that i LOVE that doesn't even pay the bills...but it does pay my health care...
and right now my job is OVERWHELMING. same as everybody else, right?
and i'm sick of being lost...i don't even care about being lonely...but it's that unguided free floating feeling that i fear.
i love and love and love and love but where the fuck does it come from? i have this outpouring of care and desire and nurturing for everyone in my life. who's replenishing this? am i supposed to find the time to do that???
can someone PLEASE turn my emotions off. for one minute. one day?? puh-leeease. stop loving. everyone.
i'm such a facade. my boss is losing her mom right now. there are beautiful children wrought with disease and famine. and i go through life touting how great i am, how great everything is. while inside i'm FREAKING OUT. but why? i'm fed. yeah sure, i have a credit problem. most folks in the world don't even know what credit IS and sure as fuck no one is going to give them any.
some people have a problem that they don't love enough. i love EVERYTHING. how to stop??
the weed is a problem. i know this. i spoke on the phone with my OTHER EX last night and he was telling me he quit. now...i'm not one for cold turkey (even though that's how i quit cigs) but i do know i'm an addict. have you seen half baked? bob saget is all like, "you're addicted to marijuana? no one's addicted to marijuana! let me ask you this, how many times you sucked dick for POT?" or something like that. and it's true! it's not like alcohol, or opiates, but i'm definitely psychologically dependent on it. even the monster was telling me i should clear my head for a while!!!
meh, who knows. i *should*. doesn't mean i will. i'm fighting other battles right now....right???

everyone blogs about mom

am i supposed to blog about my mom today?
to be honest...i sent her a card...a saucy, hilarious one. but then i only called her by accident.
i love my momma. i AM a momma's girl- for 10 years growing up it was just me & her.
but i did not feel an urge to blog about her today...and everyone else has. either that, or they blog about their experiences being a mom. i am not. nor do i feel compelled to write about either.
i went for a hike this morning. a 5-miler. up a mountain, and back down again. i SMOKED it in 90 minutes!!! but the whole time, i wasn't thinking about my mom. i was thinking about the bugs, and the monster, and the other potential mates that might be hiking on the same trail, and maybe a little bit work...but not my mommy.
i mean, i worship her. i let her know that all the time. i just saw her in february, and i'm gonna see her again in a month. why this special day? i hope my little sis who is with her gives her a great day. it just seems futile to try to do that from all the way over here.
anyway, no disrespect to the mothers out there. i'm glad there's a day for you. but i hope you feel special like this more often than twice a year, today and on your birthday.

joy can be painful

you are a frivolous creature
-a boy of sorts-
dashingly exciting
yet terminally boring
you were my zombie revival,
you brought me back from the dead.
-and that somehow attaches me to you?
i couldn't just check you back into that shallow grave??
no, i brought you with me
all the way to the desert.
AT A TIME
when all else is full,-
in fact, overflowing?
this blossom lives on-
under the shade of my car,
in the corner of the crazies' parking lot-
we'll see how long it lives
in the heat of the summer.

you are here.

i think i've finally located that place. it's somewhere between st. patty's day and cinco de mayo. all the poached catholic holidays turned to vomit fiestas.
i'm at the bottom of the well. looking up. the walls sweat beads of fear that cling desperately to the eroding structure. every minute and a half a "plink" hits the bottom of the well- one more memory falls to the cesspool below.
and i lay there. dress tattered, shoes smudged. my skin tears easily against the aged pavement. more than one trickle of blood makes its journey from my face to my ankles.
who pushed me down here? and how the fuck do i get up? i was full. and now i have nothing left.
i've been here before, and i don't remember how i got out. i think i just started building...slowly...but this well is deeper and more narrow than any i've ever dove into.
i will pray. and be patient. and pine. prayer, patience, and pining. oh my.
let's get specific here:
the monster. i know my expectations are dashingly unrealistic. but are they?? my only expectation is that we have some kind of a connection that would cause him to think of me. the communication has dropped way off. that's OK- it makes sense. but...how much of it makes sense? and how much of it am i obviously being a moron?? should i chalk it up to reality, or am i being duped? i realize that time will tell. he'll either show at the wedding, or he won't. and if he doesn't...well...that will be a tall glass to drink. a lesson i'm not asking nor hoping for.
the money. i am fucking broke as a joke. literally. i am about a half month behind on my bills, and it's going to be several months before i build that back up. i haven't done my taxes yet. i'm hoping that's no biggie, just a late fee or something??? hopefully the tax refund will bail me out before the wedding...
the ex. saw him yesterday. first, we fought on the phone for 45 minutes and i freaked out as usual. then, he apologized for being a fucking asshole as usual. then he came over...and NOT as usual, we had a really positive, tender exchange. even got in a private clothed and couched 5 minute snuggle. it was delicious...i'm still dreaming of it. in fact, when i think of it, i tear up. i'm starting to miss him again. not in a desperate i need him way, but in a fond, oooh that's not a dime a dozen kinda way. if only...
and the date. today is a special day for me. my father died today. and i'm not sure what to do with that. see, i never knew him. i know his family, even though they live on the other side of the ocean...but i dunno. he was apparently a chauvinist, probably would have divorced my mom anyway. but what does that mean? i don't imagine he's "watching" me, but where did his energy go? is it with me now?? i was his only offspring. there are actually some fantastical black magic circumstances that are alleged to have influenced his death. what does that mean? and why did his best friend tell me that??
and work!! i forgot about work. it's at max. can't say anymore. because i should be working right now.
anyway...here i am...at the bottom of this dingy well. i can barely see the light at the top. so i lay here...looking up. my head is propped up on a stone so that my scalp doesn't soak in the black water bottom with the rest of my hair. it's sticking into the back of my skull but i don't mind. the annoying pain of the stone is nothing compared to the aching in my body from what must have been my fall...which is nothing compared to the pain in my heart that i must ignore to persevere forward at this time.

i am beside myself

i did something great! i fixed up my computer. it's been...a year. that means i've been that long without personalized access...i've been snaking on my work computer. eee! feels good to be legit.
i need to smoke less. i do. i'm out, and i'm broke...i should take a break. ay!
shit's slowed down with the monster. in a GOOD way. and well...the ex has moved on. i sensed his shift.
i dunno. it's a crazy world out there. i'm not that inspired to write right now, just wanted to update. plus my position is not that comfy. i said i got my computer hooked up, i didn't say i got it settled in.
one thing at a time, people.