shabbat

i connect to the loneliness late at night. this is now. i sit in it.
it’s not so bad….yet.

i went to a shabbat dinner tonight with a cute friend. he is so lovely- i really like him. sincerely. we’ll call him honey.
here’s the thing about honey- his girlfriend killed herself early in the year. around the same time i broke up with my ex. which is why we were connected in the first place- someone matched us up to grieve together. the magnitude of his loss was quite humbling- especially considering the grace with which he handled it.

my internets are down right now, so i’m typing this in word.

i digress. but what’s a girl to do? this boy, when he smiles... it’s endearing. i’m certainly not going to be the first to kiss him. i would wait forever. i just…couldn’t bear to connect with someone in that way who’s experienced what he has- especially given my state of being. i’m certainly no monster. maybe a nightmare, but…wait. i guess they’re the same.
what my train of thought was with that non-functional analogy was that i may treat my ex in some heavy, terrible ways…like dating other people and not telling him and continuing to sleep with him and rationalizing it in my mind as “we’re broken up”…but i cannot do that to someone who is such a stranger. i guess what i’m saying is i have to build up some trust with someone before i can walk all over them. wait what???
anyway, i know he likes me, and that’s enough consolation to just have a fun, spiritual friendship with a bit of a spark.

goodnight. shabbat shalom!!