inhale backspace delete

sigh.

last night, after saying goodbye to the lovely honey boy, i'm on my way home...i get a call from my ex. he's drunk, he's sobbing. insists that i tell him whether or not i will give him another chance. he knows damn well i have no chance to give him, as there are no "chances," but merely things that are supposed to be and things that aren't. he is a wonderful person...i actually WISH that he was my "it," but he's not. and i'm certainly not going to remind him of that fact when he's piss drunk on the other side of the country.

it was to the point where i was actually asking him where he was, who was there, etc. he needs to stop calling me when he's feeling destroyed, and i need to stop picking up when the circumstances present themselves as such. i need to say to myself, "oh, it's 10:15 here...that means it's after 1am in NYC...i'm not answering this call," when i haven't heard from him in days and i know damn well he's not calling to catch up.

i can let him go. i can do it out of respect. i have. but i guess part of that is not responding to him, from a place of love. i have to remember that loving is not always being attentive, sometimes it is turning your back and saying a prayer.

i have to allow my ego to be bruised, because he's angry and i hurt him. and i don't get to keep him as my friend. my ally, my soul brother, my teacher, my student, but not my lover or my friend.

and then he calls me again this morning. wakes me up at 5:30. which is funny, because that's my wake up time...but i'm teleworking today...so my alarm was set to 6:30. ahhhhhh...

so he calls me and wakes me up. reiterates what he said while drunk, but can actually articulate his words. my god it was crushing to hear that pain on his lips...to know and understand what he is going through and to have the power to take it away...and not. because i know it is the right thing to do. that's no longer my role, my place for him. he needs to resolve that in another way. so i told him.

DTR

i learned a new acronym today: DTR.

"define the relationship"

someone was trying to tell me i had a DTR convo last night, but on the contrary, i had a DDTR convo. a safe decision not to. very good.

he's clear as a bell. obviously we like one another. and neither one of us has the capacity to be engaging in something ... engaging.

he also told me he felt that we've known one another before, in other times. that means so much. makes sense...why when i get close enough to smell him i'm compelled to taste him, too!

he is truly beautiful. he's totally grown on me. 6 months ago i would have turned up my nose like a snobby hippie. but i see his beauty. i can't believe i missed it before!!

someday...i hope to tear him to SHREDS. ; )

funkypoem1

each and every day, rainbows of humanity pass before our eyes. endless cycles of lovers, and haters; offspring, and ancestors; all of whom exception belies.

so as we watch this parade float by, and elevated few consciously absorb this refraction of light and spirit; and those that do will reflect to you one's destiny in a mirror.

so many colors are you, such a vibrant hue- and how you've illuminated by days that were once in such a haze...

so as the bolds of your past pillars fade to pastels, bear in mind the space you create for that neverending well of grace.

last night

he came over last night. we traded back keys. it was sad at first...we started by fighting a bit. and crying. and then we ended up in bed.

he cried when he said bye to my kitty. i don't blame him.

when it came time for him to leave, for the first time ever i had to walk him outside, because he didn't have his own key to get out of the courtyard gate. i walked back up the stairs, feeling confident...back in the house to see what's up on my phone...honey had called and the professor had texted...and BAM it hit me like a ton of bricks.

i ran out side. he was still starting his car. i frantically unlocked the gate. i was wearing ballet slipper style shoes- no support. and awkward. he backed up, and i was gonna get there just in time. i screamed his name. he took off out of the parking lot.

he hadn't seen me! had he? i ran down the street like a maniac, sobbing and calling for him to come back. he was long gone, 30mph down the street.

i got my act together realizing i was in front of a public park, and marched back home. called. he answered. he hadn't seen me.

and he came back for one more bowl....and we said goodbye. peacefully.

i miss the piss outta him. but i'm not gonna contact him. clearly i am moving forward emotionally. i am very interested in becoming closer to other people, and one in particular.

i pray he comes back to me as his friend. i love him so much. i pray that his pain passes quickly. i release him, with love.

capacity building

honey came over for dinner.
oh, honey. honey white.
dinner wasn't even that good, but the time spent was. and we cuddled on the couch for like 30 minutes. i totally made it happen. he was down. but i will NOT kiss him. i will not cross that boundary!!! it must be him. that's the way i'll trust that he's ready.
but i wanted to kiss him so badly. he's adorable. like a magnet. we were soooo close! my face was like 6 inches from his. ay.
capacity building. that's what we were doing. like in kabbalah, like in community health initiatives. building the space to fill...together??

a dream

last night. it was me and the honey boy. it was pretty true to life, casual yet intimate conversation. we were sitting across the table from one another. i decided to leave for a moment to retrieve something- and before i left, i leaned in to kiss him on the cheek, and he kissed me. softly at first, closed mouth. then he opened up and kissed me deeply; it was beautiful. and then, it felt like his entire lips were inside me, like i was sucking him in. "ouch," he muttered. and then we kissed some more.

aside from the strange moment of "i want to eat you monster," it was really nice. felt so right.

today was his dad's memorial service. it was beautiful. it was incredible to hear all the wonderful things everyone had to say about my dear friend. and then afterwards, there was a brunch at his father's house. i went.

and it was absurd, as usual. 30 second hugs. excessive kisses on the cheek. hand holding, brushing, touching, on and on. i told him that i had a very deep love for him that grew really quickly. he said he felt the same way.

i want him. i want to hold him, touch him. our sex would be amazing. i will never cross that line...it has to be him.

i'm having him over to break the fast on tuesday. tuesday is the 9th of av, so he'll come over at sundown. i wonder what it will be like, just me and him. the same, intimate connection, with touching, expression?? i can't deal with that. i mean, i could...but it's rare. i always get closer if i get that close...

i wonder, i wonder where this will go...

was thinking about blogging...

and i decided not to. nothing to blog about.

and then my phone blew up with the second ex in a row. constantly. exes exes exes. they never let me go. cept the recent ex. and what about the monster? he can just let me go?? meanwhile i've got men and women from the last 10 years wanting to love me, fuck me, be with me, affair with me...even the one who's getting married loves to friend with me!! he's not willing to let me go, even though it's platonic!?!

so, my ex will come back. the others...it wasn't like this right away. it's ridiculous for me to think we won't rekindle a relationship of friendship. we have connections in two different states.

i've got cramps. i think. i sure hope so. i've felt this now and then for the last random whatever span of time, but i swear today it's more than usual. maybe i'm finally getting my period???

i went to the doc yesterday and she took my blood. we'll see what that says. but YAY i swear i just felt a stronger cramp. here's to hopin it's not a kick, LOL!!! it's not. for reals.

i was on the monster's fb page today, i unhid him, lol. it said he was "in a relationship". really? mr. i don't want to commit to anyone i just want to have my fun?? i mean...there's a good chance that he IS in a relationship, but an open one...anyway. the funny part is, i don't really care. it doesn't really make me sad. only validated. AND, i would still be interested in him visiting me, tee hee. so i asked if his new found status precluded him from an autumn visit. we'll see what he says. either way...it'll all be ok.

i applied for two jobs. both that i don't want. but pay way more than i'm making. we'll see if i get interviewed!!!

guess i did have a thing or two to blog about. ; )

he's gone crazy

my throat hurts. he called me up today, he used his sister's account to sift through my fb to find shit to be paranoid about. and then he tried to interrupt my night spending time with a family friend to bitch about it.
i called him back later. he kept me for an entire 40 minute car ride. screaming. he drives me up a fucking wall. i can't count how many times in the last 4 months he's asked me if i've been with someone else. NO, i say. i am not going to tell him what he wants to hear. maybe i should? i just want him to go the fuck away at this point. i can't deal with his insecurities. he brought this on himself.
he's also been looking through my internet history, why does he want to confirm his fears so badly?? why can't he just be a man and walk away?? he has to find me in the wrong.
and we had this peaceful ending to a tumultuous conversation where we said "i love you" and i'll talk to you soon...and then he just HAD to call me back and upset me some more. start a fight.
now my fucking throat hurts from yelling. my blood pressure is out of control. he seriously makes me so angry i want to bang my head against the wall. i'm probably lucky i didn't get in a car crash while arguing with him at 70 mph earlier on.
anyway. apparently we're finally trading back keys, etc. when he returns from vacation. finally. sad, but good. jesus christ i can't deal with this shit anymore. it's just getting worse and worse. and the more he tries to push me into a corner and control me, the further from him i want to be!!

i forgot...

i'm so out of the thick that i forgot to mention...it's been a week now since carried the heaviness with me. no more sadness about a monster. i practically forced it outta him, but he fed me the line i expected. his heart hasn't changed. he still cares for me, i'm just so far away. he's focusing on what's in front of him. which, to me, is basically a bull shit line but it DIDN'T even make me feel bad! i wanted to hear it...the truth...even if the only truth he'll offer me is a line of bull shit!! i wanted either validation that he cares, validation that he's a cocky dick, but instead i got both. happiness.
and since then, my feelings towards him are a lot more positive, open, free of hurt.
i wonder, if he comes back, will i be the same? or will i maintain this bulletproof vest??
cheers to the new cute boys in my vicinity. and potentially some girls. <3

update on fate

last night i took a journey. ate some jellies- was good. nothing crazy. nothing too heavy. mostly just got silly. and this shit nearly made me pee my pants:

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/07/dog.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+Hyperbole-and-a-half+%28Hyperbole-And-A-Half%29

so i hope you enjoy that. i was literally crying on the couch.

anyway, last night was not exactly a spiritual experience. i didn't see anything i didn't already know. i didn't linger in any sad with the monster, even when i saw an adorable picture of us. he even texted me a bit, which was fun.

i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow for my stomach, and i'm going to ask for a work order for a pregnancy test. i know i'm not...i know i know i know i'm not...but i need more confirmation. it's been 4 months since i had my period!! don't get me wrong this is awesome but dios mio mang!

i hope you have a wonderful, beautiful day. and i hope that honey boy keeps texting me. he has been. <3

shabbat

i connect to the loneliness late at night. this is now. i sit in it.
it’s not so bad….yet.

i went to a shabbat dinner tonight with a cute friend. he is so lovely- i really like him. sincerely. we’ll call him honey.
here’s the thing about honey- his girlfriend killed herself early in the year. around the same time i broke up with my ex. which is why we were connected in the first place- someone matched us up to grieve together. the magnitude of his loss was quite humbling- especially considering the grace with which he handled it.

my internets are down right now, so i’m typing this in word.

i digress. but what’s a girl to do? this boy, when he smiles... it’s endearing. i’m certainly not going to be the first to kiss him. i would wait forever. i just…couldn’t bear to connect with someone in that way who’s experienced what he has- especially given my state of being. i’m certainly no monster. maybe a nightmare, but…wait. i guess they’re the same.
what my train of thought was with that non-functional analogy was that i may treat my ex in some heavy, terrible ways…like dating other people and not telling him and continuing to sleep with him and rationalizing it in my mind as “we’re broken up”…but i cannot do that to someone who is such a stranger. i guess what i’m saying is i have to build up some trust with someone before i can walk all over them. wait what???
anyway, i know he likes me, and that’s enough consolation to just have a fun, spiritual friendship with a bit of a spark.

goodnight. shabbat shalom!!

a 17yr old wrote this.

Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs. And someday, you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy. Maybe it's you, on your own. Picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is knowing that after all the unreturned phone calls and broken hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment... you never gave up hope

bulletproof

next time maybe i'll be bulletproof??

prolly not.

my eyelashes are sprinkled with the salt of the bitter sea, honey. and you leave me here lovely; you're such a heartbreaker- and possibly a faker.

process feelings

ok, just got home from my date. was on fb. saw that the monster was on fb. waited around for 5 min or so, to see if he would chat me...he didn't. went to my email. he replied to my dirty email, but not the one asking him wtf is up with the lack of communication. hmm. i don't know what that's supposed to leave me to assume.
i just really wish i could process him outta me.
anyway, after the whole fb green light thing, i saw the email was fresh, and he wasn't gonna chat me..i did not go back. gonna save my pride.
but i wish he would call me. = (
holding back for me is soo tough.

the date was fun. no major chemistry. ah well.

date tonight

ok, so tonight...craigslist date! lol!!
so i saw that beautiful man at the grocery store and thought, wtf, i'll post a missed connections ad. right??

i'm pretty sure you took a double take...but i didn't move fast enough!!
i'd love it if you gave this kitten another chance to play catch. tell me what you noticed about me, and what i noticed about you...and then we'll see if you can blow my heart up.
xx

and then two days later i get a response!

Ok… I’m not sure if it was you and I; however if it is, you noticed my tattoos and I noticed your gorgeous eyes… we definitely couldn't stop taking ‘double takes’…. I was wearing a gray quicksilver shirt and black shorts…

so yeah. i was like WHAAAAAAA! it was the eye contact and the tattoos that caught me, for SURE. ??? these things actually work?
so, turns out...we were at the same grocery store but two different locations...so this missed connection was relocated. or something like that??
anyway, he looks pretty cute, sounds pretty cool, definitely smart, that's required. and tattoos YAY! so...we're meeting anyway, lol! even though it wasn't a true missed connection.
vamos a ver...he's an ex cop & military guy. they usually don't like bisexual potheads. but i'm going into it with an open mind, and hoping he's willing to do the same.
keep you posted whahhahhahhahah