nap attack boundaries intact

last saturday after work we took a shabbat nap. in his bed, under his sheets, clothes on. major snuggling. definitely turned on...yet relaxed at the same time.

when i awoke (i never really fell asleep, my whole being was still yet vibrating for the 2 hours) i had the worst charlie horse of my life. literally 5 minutes.

i put his hand on my leg. "is that flexed?" he asked? somehow, i laughed. "no!" i answered. it was as if there were a golf ball in my calf.

was it the spirit of his former girlfriend, upset that i was sharing his bed? perhaps not. perhaps it's that i drank alcohol the two nights prior and did a ton of exercising and heel-wearing the week before. and if you WANT to get all metaphorical and extrapolate something from my physical reaction, maybe it was my emotions settling.

anyway, we spent some more intimate moments tonight. there were a few lip brushings of neck or shoulders. the boundaries are being gently tried, but not crossed.

i can't do it. not yet. i can't kiss him!! kissing him will lead to loving him, inevitably. i know it. i mean, i already love him!! but in love. can't do it yet. i have to see about the professor. we've had this connection for so long, i have to let it have it's final opportunity. i've been waiting over three years. three and a half!! plus, i don't think honey will be ready by then anyway. i mean, it was only four months ago. i just realized/learned.

good night, wonderful world.

<3