and the ugly rears its head

i just had my first feelings of jealousy.

i was on his FB page. i saw this hot chick comment about being in the D with him last night. instantly i get that fire, that feeling, even though i know...he's crazy about me.

and the stupidest part is, once i clicked on her page i realized its his brother's girlfriend. ha. stupid angora.

anyway, it's there. i was sensitive to it. i do NOT want that feeling. i did so well, it took me so long to get past the excessiveness of that ugly ugly feeling.

we had our first kiss!! you'd think that's what i'd title this post, right? no, it's the negative. out on the line to dry.

but it was beautiful. it was after i spent the night with him. we cuddled all night. and then in the morning, were so close. i could feel his breath. full contact, our bodies couldn't have been any closer. my face was just a couple of inches from his. i'm not moving, i thought. he will kiss me. i will wait here until he does. and then he did.

it was beautiful. it was kind, slow, gentle...and then. i got up to do something. to pee. and when i got back...i totally pounced him. i figure fuck it. i've been SO good and SO respectful this long. he wants to snuggle me all night with a boner, and then kiss me the morning after?? well, i figure rolling around on your bed and making out is just a slight extension of that. so here i come, honey...

anyway, i figure another talk is due. he's been texting me constantly since he left, this amazingly cute shit that makes me get all giddy. "good morning lovely," "just got up from a nap and craving to cuddle," "still feeling the magic of being near you last night," and so on and so forth. it makes me vibrate in every cell. sweet surrender. ay de mi.

and i'm having serious doubts about the professor. i mean...i'm probably gonna do it. but there's a chance...a *chance* that...i may back out. at the last minute. it's my option!! i've already decided that my second trip to chitown will not be with him. by then. right?? i kinda invited my mom. LOL

who knows. gotta tame the jealousy. and keep snuggling and kissing that beautiful beautiful boy.

nap attack boundaries intact

last saturday after work we took a shabbat nap. in his bed, under his sheets, clothes on. major snuggling. definitely turned on...yet relaxed at the same time.

when i awoke (i never really fell asleep, my whole being was still yet vibrating for the 2 hours) i had the worst charlie horse of my life. literally 5 minutes.

i put his hand on my leg. "is that flexed?" he asked? somehow, i laughed. "no!" i answered. it was as if there were a golf ball in my calf.

was it the spirit of his former girlfriend, upset that i was sharing his bed? perhaps not. perhaps it's that i drank alcohol the two nights prior and did a ton of exercising and heel-wearing the week before. and if you WANT to get all metaphorical and extrapolate something from my physical reaction, maybe it was my emotions settling.

anyway, we spent some more intimate moments tonight. there were a few lip brushings of neck or shoulders. the boundaries are being gently tried, but not crossed.

i can't do it. not yet. i can't kiss him!! kissing him will lead to loving him, inevitably. i know it. i mean, i already love him!! but in love. can't do it yet. i have to see about the professor. we've had this connection for so long, i have to let it have it's final opportunity. i've been waiting over three years. three and a half!! plus, i don't think honey will be ready by then anyway. i mean, it was only four months ago. i just realized/learned.

good night, wonderful world.

<3

funkypoem2

So many things to learn, to ask
Yet no sense of urgency with which to inquire
So many things to share, secrets to bear
Perhaps such discoveries are insignificant
-exciting to learn-
Yet a sense of calm security envelops this connection.

<3

i love him

it's official. i gone and done it. STILL in the safe zone, but it's out, it's clear, it's on the table. i love this boy, despite my will not to.

we're still not gonna cross any boundaries, we're still doing the excessive cuddling which is now gone quite public...and even in the private of his own home, i would never do such a thing.

his former girlfriend's sun hat is on the shelving unit, on purpose. it's on display, in memoriam. there was eye shadow in the bathroom. i can't even bring myself to ask. maybe there's a rational explanation, but...maybe not. he's not ready.

and neither am i. even though i adore him, and hope to one day be his. (that's funny how i didn't perceive it as make him mine. hmm. that's a first.) this wonderful psychic woman i met recently thinks so. it's intense. anyway, i'm not ready to be in a "relationship". not in the traditional sense of the word.

i'm gonna see the professor in just over a week. eek!! he's gonna fuck my brains out. finally, after 3 years of intense flirtation and virtual foreplay, we're going to experience that. i mean really it's going to be awesome.

anyway...shabbat shalom...the monster is calling!!!