follow up

ok. six months married. still happy as crap. i started a new kind of transition and with that a new kind of blog. you can find me these days on my quest to be a housewife here.

the longest blog post ever

I gone an ddone it. I am fully married. Someone made a decent woman outta me. Funny, that I started this blog before I broke up with The Scientist almost three years ago- I have no doubt that it was that severance brought Husband to me. Being that I loved him and knew he was a good person but not for me...and walked away from him...that sacrifice and courage opened the door for me to meet my future husband. We never reconnected as friends. He wasn't open to it. Oh well.

Similarly, Husband would not have met me if he wasn't willing to also make a sacrifice. He was dating what has been portrayed to me (not by him, but by everyone else in the world- he always respects her when he talks about her) as a complete tyrant. She controlled his world for years and years and years because she was unable to control herself- she had a major eating disorder and ended her own life. However, he had left her two months before. Put his foot down. Dropped her off at a treatment center and told her she wasn't welcome back without completing the program. She left the treatment center, he changed the locks, and she went to SF and shacked up with someone else. And that ended in suicide.

It's so strange how life works. Right as Husband and I were getting to know each other, my ex-gfri died. Unknown causes- but she "did not wake up". I am sure it was pharmaceuticals that did it- she had excessive access to ample drugs both legally and not. She was a manic depressive, and lived her life somewhere between lithium and ambien. She very well may have died naturally in her sleep. Or, it could have been self-inflicted. Or, it could have been recreational use of some other drug! I never asked her brohter or mother. I decided it doesn't matter. What matters is that she was a beautiful person who is now gone. I am so glad we reconnected as friends- even though I think she still considered me to be her soul mate.

Husband and I are meant to be together- I am sure of it. He is the only person I've ever met who meets my lonnnnng list of "must haves" and many more "preferably haves". And then some!!! He is so emotionally attentive, incredibly hot, grounds me, takes care of me, and actually makes me come on the bottom. First time ever!!! We were married this summer in paradise, a very small wedding (in fact my dream), and nothing has ever felt so right. I belong to the Honey Boy and he belongs to me.

Before I move on, I should speak to The Professor. Oddly, right as I was falling in love with Husband, we had a meeting date and time in his home city. One of the nation's finest. I had a hotel room all to myself; I was sent away for work. But this happened immediately after my ex-gfri died. I was an emotional wreck. As much as I wanted him, after so much build up, and I was finally free! I couldn't do it. I knew it wasn't right. Can you believe that??? I also traveled again to his city within a month- and by that time, I was fully in love with Husband. He begged me to see him "just for a drink". I refused.

I felt so good about my decision. Are you kidding? The Professor had many opportunities to come see ME and take care of business. He did not prioritize it. Also, it's not like anything romantic would have come of it long-term. I was just sex. No regrets. He's hot, but not that hot. Not hot like husband.

THAT BEING SAID, I am learning to be a new person. A new person with a new last name. I am not perfect, nor will I pretend to be. Two things happened after we married- one pertaining to my anxiety level, and the other related to my male energy, so to speak! My prowress, that is. ;)

Ok, thing one. The anxiety. I can't explain it. Normal people worry about normal things- the presentation they have to do tomorrow, getting to the airport on time, their child's illness. All very real things that deserve concern. I, however, apparently am immune to rational anxiety and save my worrying for crazy insano things completely out of my control. Like, every time Husband gets in the car, I am worried about him never reaching his destination alive, especially when that destination is me. Perhaps this is due to the fact that my mother faced the loss of my father (via motor vehicle wreck) during her pregnancy?? Either way, who the fuck worries about things they can't control?? I am happy to say, even though I still have these disturbing thoughts, they have significantly diminished after getting hitched. Who knows. (I still think I'm due for therapy, it's been a few years.)

Thing two. My insatiable sex drive. Now that I am off the pill, it's in full force. And, being human, my feelings are not exclusively directed towards Husband!! I am confident that I will always keep my body for him. It is worth it. Everything he does for me emotionally, sexually, mentally, physcially, supportively...I could go on and on and on. The sacrifice is worth it. Completely. However....that does not eliminate the fact that it IS a sacrifice!!!

I am a crusher. That's the conclusion I've come to. And, occasionally, I am a flirter. I could list my crushes for you...there's a work crush, an academic crush, there's every hot butch lesbian I ever see, there's a new age crush, and hey, there's even the professor. The one time he texted me (pre-marriage) and pushed the envelope a bit, it got me SO horny. But what did I do? I went home and ravaged Husband. I fucked him like there was no tomorrow. That's my new reality- and I am ok with it. I actually kind of enjoy it!!

I even had some borderline racy interactions last weekend at a wedding where he was present! This incredibly hot person (he's the academic crush) who I rarely see who always flirts with everyone (so it's not like I'm special or something) was trying extra hard to make me blush. After I had enough drinks, I fired back. What can I do?

The night after I returned from this wedding, I had a HOT dream about the head of my department at work. We were sitting on the couch. He is significantly older than me- at least twenty years. We were making out. He was wearing these silly jeans and a button down blue shirt, something I would never actually see him in at work. After we were done kissing, I asked him "so what should I call you now?" Meaning that since our context had changed, calling him by his professional nickname didn't seem to fit. I expected him to say his first name, but he came back with "you can call me Doc". !!! I have no doubt that this dream was the result of flirting at my friend's wedding last weekend.

The next night, I got a text message from the academic crush. "It was soo good to see you. Michelle is amazing...I think I'm going to have a wet dream about her tonight." Did I mention that the academic crush is mostly gay? I mean, he has a kid (who is 19 and also HOT- I told him I felt dirty just looking at his son) and obviously appreciates women, but day to day, he's MSM. I replied in my text, "Can I please write her in this November? Oh, and thanks for the nighttime visual of you and your wet sheets. ; )" How could I not respond? There's no way he could use the word "wet dream" in a sentence and me not immediately think about his cock. Impossible.

Anyway...I am still figuring out what it means to be a married woman. I think I have more of that roaming energy than Husband. He's only been with a small handful of people, sexually speaking. I feel like I'm the dude in the relationship who is realizng that I just signed up to never fuck anyone else again. I would NOT change my mind. Husband is the answer to the prayer I've been asking forever. If I wasn't with him, I'd be a very lonely lady. He is my soul mate!!! The One. But it's funny, because I didn't anticipate having these hornball feelings towards everyone. :)

I don't know how often I'll blog. Maybe regulary? Seems like a great tool for managing my emotions. However, since I have to keep it secret, I just don't know. Anyway, I felt obligated to tell cyberspace that I did in fact marry the honey boy. He is my dream boy. All those other hotties might make me come, but they would not emotionally satisfy me- nor would they ever commit and dedicate themselves to me as Husband has. I am eternally grateful to the universe for bringing him to me.

<3

bells are ringing

update:
sorry i don't blog anymore. sooooo busy. he proposed last may, wedding is next june in hawaii. what more could i possibly say??
xoxox
me

been soooooo longggggg

wow!!!!!

i just read my last post. in august. how funny. considering where i am now.

i started this blog because i needed a transition out of my last relationship. somewhere to put my thoughts, my energy, while i was getting back on the bus. i had SO MUCH FUN being single. mostly because i felt truly free. i got an opportunity to define who i wanted ME to be again. and who i was looking for.

and then i found him. yes, my friends, i hate to say it...ok i love to say it...but i am going to marry the honey boy. no, seriously!!! i am moving into his condo in less than two weeks, and we did some internet browsing last week for me to show him what kind of ring i'd like. this is IT folks. the eternal vixen found eternity in the arms of a man. i'm giving it all up. and i'm ready.

no more drugs, no more girls, no more cheating...ever. i couldn't even fathom doing that to him. he is EVERYTHING i've always been looking for. in the most cliche, yet sincere way possible. i am so blessed.

he is completely kind. spirituality is central to his approach to life, and love. he is absolutely gorgeous- when people meet him, they sometimes can't even handle his blue eyes. and his physique is perfect- a yoga boy- skinny but not frail and strong but not beefy. and he brings me so much joy every single day, i don't even know what to do with myself.

that being said, i am ready to throw in the towel. i'll be 30 this year, and it's as good a year as any to move forward with life.

i still, on occasion, think about my ex. not in a missing sort of way, but in a hopeful, somewhat melancholly way. i really want him to be happy. i saw his car here twice recently, visiting my bff. that means, he's not terrified of seeing me and my honey. which shows evolution. i also heard a rumor that he was dating someone, which is great. phaaaa. i do miss his friendship, but that's a sacrifice i made.

i also am feeling VERY confident about my honey and HIS ex. remember, she's the one who took her own life?? he's removed EVERY element of her from his condo to make room for me. i also found out recently he had changed his locks after they broke up- further demonstrating to my unconcerned mind that he moved on from her long before she did the deed. basically, by the time she hung herself (yes, i found out, that's how she did it) for him it was more like losing a family member than a lover.

anyway...i'm not sure if i'll actually keep blogging, or if this was more of a "wrap things up" posting. for now, i'll keep these ramblings on the blogosphere. i've thought about deleting it all; it served its purpose at the time that i needed it, and now it's over. i never really gained a following or even regular readers, but it was more about the "potential" for readers, while preserving my anonymity. things just wouldn't have been honest if there was someone i knew reading along.

point being, i don't know if i'll be back. perhaps this is a rediscovery. likely not. but i'm sending my love and light out to you all.

and the ugly rears its head

i just had my first feelings of jealousy.

i was on his FB page. i saw this hot chick comment about being in the D with him last night. instantly i get that fire, that feeling, even though i know...he's crazy about me.

and the stupidest part is, once i clicked on her page i realized its his brother's girlfriend. ha. stupid angora.

anyway, it's there. i was sensitive to it. i do NOT want that feeling. i did so well, it took me so long to get past the excessiveness of that ugly ugly feeling.

we had our first kiss!! you'd think that's what i'd title this post, right? no, it's the negative. out on the line to dry.

but it was beautiful. it was after i spent the night with him. we cuddled all night. and then in the morning, were so close. i could feel his breath. full contact, our bodies couldn't have been any closer. my face was just a couple of inches from his. i'm not moving, i thought. he will kiss me. i will wait here until he does. and then he did.

it was beautiful. it was kind, slow, gentle...and then. i got up to do something. to pee. and when i got back...i totally pounced him. i figure fuck it. i've been SO good and SO respectful this long. he wants to snuggle me all night with a boner, and then kiss me the morning after?? well, i figure rolling around on your bed and making out is just a slight extension of that. so here i come, honey...

anyway, i figure another talk is due. he's been texting me constantly since he left, this amazingly cute shit that makes me get all giddy. "good morning lovely," "just got up from a nap and craving to cuddle," "still feeling the magic of being near you last night," and so on and so forth. it makes me vibrate in every cell. sweet surrender. ay de mi.

and i'm having serious doubts about the professor. i mean...i'm probably gonna do it. but there's a chance...a *chance* that...i may back out. at the last minute. it's my option!! i've already decided that my second trip to chitown will not be with him. by then. right?? i kinda invited my mom. LOL

who knows. gotta tame the jealousy. and keep snuggling and kissing that beautiful beautiful boy.

nap attack boundaries intact

last saturday after work we took a shabbat nap. in his bed, under his sheets, clothes on. major snuggling. definitely turned on...yet relaxed at the same time.

when i awoke (i never really fell asleep, my whole being was still yet vibrating for the 2 hours) i had the worst charlie horse of my life. literally 5 minutes.

i put his hand on my leg. "is that flexed?" he asked? somehow, i laughed. "no!" i answered. it was as if there were a golf ball in my calf.

was it the spirit of his former girlfriend, upset that i was sharing his bed? perhaps not. perhaps it's that i drank alcohol the two nights prior and did a ton of exercising and heel-wearing the week before. and if you WANT to get all metaphorical and extrapolate something from my physical reaction, maybe it was my emotions settling.

anyway, we spent some more intimate moments tonight. there were a few lip brushings of neck or shoulders. the boundaries are being gently tried, but not crossed.

i can't do it. not yet. i can't kiss him!! kissing him will lead to loving him, inevitably. i know it. i mean, i already love him!! but in love. can't do it yet. i have to see about the professor. we've had this connection for so long, i have to let it have it's final opportunity. i've been waiting over three years. three and a half!! plus, i don't think honey will be ready by then anyway. i mean, it was only four months ago. i just realized/learned.

good night, wonderful world.

<3

funkypoem2

So many things to learn, to ask
Yet no sense of urgency with which to inquire
So many things to share, secrets to bear
Perhaps such discoveries are insignificant
-exciting to learn-
Yet a sense of calm security envelops this connection.

<3