bells are ringing

update:
sorry i don't blog anymore. sooooo busy. he proposed last may, wedding is next june in hawaii. what more could i possibly say??
xoxox
me

been soooooo longggggg

wow!!!!!

i just read my last post. in august. how funny. considering where i am now.

i started this blog because i needed a transition out of my last relationship. somewhere to put my thoughts, my energy, while i was getting back on the bus. i had SO MUCH FUN being single. mostly because i felt truly free. i got an opportunity to define who i wanted ME to be again. and who i was looking for.

and then i found him. yes, my friends, i hate to say it...ok i love to say it...but i am going to marry the honey boy. no, seriously!!! i am moving into his condo in less than two weeks, and we did some internet browsing last week for me to show him what kind of ring i'd like. this is IT folks. the eternal vixen found eternity in the arms of a man. i'm giving it all up. and i'm ready.

no more drugs, no more girls, no more cheating...ever. i couldn't even fathom doing that to him. he is EVERYTHING i've always been looking for. in the most cliche, yet sincere way possible. i am so blessed.

he is completely kind. spirituality is central to his approach to life, and love. he is absolutely gorgeous- when people meet him, they sometimes can't even handle his blue eyes. and his physique is perfect- a yoga boy- skinny but not frail and strong but not beefy. and he brings me so much joy every single day, i don't even know what to do with myself.

that being said, i am ready to throw in the towel. i'll be 30 this year, and it's as good a year as any to move forward with life.

i still, on occasion, think about my ex. not in a missing sort of way, but in a hopeful, somewhat melancholly way. i really want him to be happy. i saw his car here twice recently, visiting my bff. that means, he's not terrified of seeing me and my honey. which shows evolution. i also heard a rumor that he was dating someone, which is great. phaaaa. i do miss his friendship, but that's a sacrifice i made.

i also am feeling VERY confident about my honey and HIS ex. remember, she's the one who took her own life?? he's removed EVERY element of her from his condo to make room for me. i also found out recently he had changed his locks after they broke up- further demonstrating to my unconcerned mind that he moved on from her long before she did the deed. basically, by the time she hung herself (yes, i found out, that's how she did it) for him it was more like losing a family member than a lover.

anyway...i'm not sure if i'll actually keep blogging, or if this was more of a "wrap things up" posting. for now, i'll keep these ramblings on the blogosphere. i've thought about deleting it all; it served its purpose at the time that i needed it, and now it's over. i never really gained a following or even regular readers, but it was more about the "potential" for readers, while preserving my anonymity. things just wouldn't have been honest if there was someone i knew reading along.

point being, i don't know if i'll be back. perhaps this is a rediscovery. likely not. but i'm sending my love and light out to you all.

and the ugly rears its head

i just had my first feelings of jealousy.

i was on his FB page. i saw this hot chick comment about being in the D with him last night. instantly i get that fire, that feeling, even though i know...he's crazy about me.

and the stupidest part is, once i clicked on her page i realized its his brother's girlfriend. ha. stupid angora.

anyway, it's there. i was sensitive to it. i do NOT want that feeling. i did so well, it took me so long to get past the excessiveness of that ugly ugly feeling.

we had our first kiss!! you'd think that's what i'd title this post, right? no, it's the negative. out on the line to dry.

but it was beautiful. it was after i spent the night with him. we cuddled all night. and then in the morning, were so close. i could feel his breath. full contact, our bodies couldn't have been any closer. my face was just a couple of inches from his. i'm not moving, i thought. he will kiss me. i will wait here until he does. and then he did.

it was beautiful. it was kind, slow, gentle...and then. i got up to do something. to pee. and when i got back...i totally pounced him. i figure fuck it. i've been SO good and SO respectful this long. he wants to snuggle me all night with a boner, and then kiss me the morning after?? well, i figure rolling around on your bed and making out is just a slight extension of that. so here i come, honey...

anyway, i figure another talk is due. he's been texting me constantly since he left, this amazingly cute shit that makes me get all giddy. "good morning lovely," "just got up from a nap and craving to cuddle," "still feeling the magic of being near you last night," and so on and so forth. it makes me vibrate in every cell. sweet surrender. ay de mi.

and i'm having serious doubts about the professor. i mean...i'm probably gonna do it. but there's a chance...a *chance* that...i may back out. at the last minute. it's my option!! i've already decided that my second trip to chitown will not be with him. by then. right?? i kinda invited my mom. LOL

who knows. gotta tame the jealousy. and keep snuggling and kissing that beautiful beautiful boy.

nap attack boundaries intact

last saturday after work we took a shabbat nap. in his bed, under his sheets, clothes on. major snuggling. definitely turned on...yet relaxed at the same time.

when i awoke (i never really fell asleep, my whole being was still yet vibrating for the 2 hours) i had the worst charlie horse of my life. literally 5 minutes.

i put his hand on my leg. "is that flexed?" he asked? somehow, i laughed. "no!" i answered. it was as if there were a golf ball in my calf.

was it the spirit of his former girlfriend, upset that i was sharing his bed? perhaps not. perhaps it's that i drank alcohol the two nights prior and did a ton of exercising and heel-wearing the week before. and if you WANT to get all metaphorical and extrapolate something from my physical reaction, maybe it was my emotions settling.

anyway, we spent some more intimate moments tonight. there were a few lip brushings of neck or shoulders. the boundaries are being gently tried, but not crossed.

i can't do it. not yet. i can't kiss him!! kissing him will lead to loving him, inevitably. i know it. i mean, i already love him!! but in love. can't do it yet. i have to see about the professor. we've had this connection for so long, i have to let it have it's final opportunity. i've been waiting over three years. three and a half!! plus, i don't think honey will be ready by then anyway. i mean, it was only four months ago. i just realized/learned.

good night, wonderful world.

<3

funkypoem2

So many things to learn, to ask
Yet no sense of urgency with which to inquire
So many things to share, secrets to bear
Perhaps such discoveries are insignificant
-exciting to learn-
Yet a sense of calm security envelops this connection.

<3

i love him

it's official. i gone and done it. STILL in the safe zone, but it's out, it's clear, it's on the table. i love this boy, despite my will not to.

we're still not gonna cross any boundaries, we're still doing the excessive cuddling which is now gone quite public...and even in the private of his own home, i would never do such a thing.

his former girlfriend's sun hat is on the shelving unit, on purpose. it's on display, in memoriam. there was eye shadow in the bathroom. i can't even bring myself to ask. maybe there's a rational explanation, but...maybe not. he's not ready.

and neither am i. even though i adore him, and hope to one day be his. (that's funny how i didn't perceive it as make him mine. hmm. that's a first.) this wonderful psychic woman i met recently thinks so. it's intense. anyway, i'm not ready to be in a "relationship". not in the traditional sense of the word.

i'm gonna see the professor in just over a week. eek!! he's gonna fuck my brains out. finally, after 3 years of intense flirtation and virtual foreplay, we're going to experience that. i mean really it's going to be awesome.

anyway...shabbat shalom...the monster is calling!!!

inhale backspace delete

sigh.

last night, after saying goodbye to the lovely honey boy, i'm on my way home...i get a call from my ex. he's drunk, he's sobbing. insists that i tell him whether or not i will give him another chance. he knows damn well i have no chance to give him, as there are no "chances," but merely things that are supposed to be and things that aren't. he is a wonderful person...i actually WISH that he was my "it," but he's not. and i'm certainly not going to remind him of that fact when he's piss drunk on the other side of the country.

it was to the point where i was actually asking him where he was, who was there, etc. he needs to stop calling me when he's feeling destroyed, and i need to stop picking up when the circumstances present themselves as such. i need to say to myself, "oh, it's 10:15 here...that means it's after 1am in NYC...i'm not answering this call," when i haven't heard from him in days and i know damn well he's not calling to catch up.

i can let him go. i can do it out of respect. i have. but i guess part of that is not responding to him, from a place of love. i have to remember that loving is not always being attentive, sometimes it is turning your back and saying a prayer.

i have to allow my ego to be bruised, because he's angry and i hurt him. and i don't get to keep him as my friend. my ally, my soul brother, my teacher, my student, but not my lover or my friend.

and then he calls me again this morning. wakes me up at 5:30. which is funny, because that's my wake up time...but i'm teleworking today...so my alarm was set to 6:30. ahhhhhh...

so he calls me and wakes me up. reiterates what he said while drunk, but can actually articulate his words. my god it was crushing to hear that pain on his lips...to know and understand what he is going through and to have the power to take it away...and not. because i know it is the right thing to do. that's no longer my role, my place for him. he needs to resolve that in another way. so i told him.