symptoms of existence

bells are ringing

2011-12-27T15:00:00.002-07:00

update:
sorry i don't blog anymore. sooooo busy. he proposed last may, wedding is next june in hawaii. what more could i possibly say??
xoxox
me

been soooooo longggggg

2011-02-28T10:26:00.002-07:00

wow!!!!!

i just read my last post. in august. how funny. considering where i am now.

i started this blog because i needed a transition out of my last relationship. somewhere to put my thoughts, my energy, while i was getting back on the bus. i had SO MUCH FUN being single. mostly because i felt truly free. i got an opportunity to define who i wanted ME to be again. and who i was looking for.

and then i found him. yes, my friends, i hate to say it...ok i love to say it...but i am going to marry the honey boy. no, seriously!!! i am moving into his condo in less than two weeks, and we did some internet browsing last week for me to show him what kind of ring i'd like. this is IT folks. the eternal vixen found eternity in the arms of a man. i'm giving it all up. and i'm ready.

no more drugs, no more girls, no more cheating...ever. i couldn't even fathom doing that to him. he is EVERYTHING i've always been looking for. in the most cliche, yet sincere way possible. i am so blessed.

he is completely kind. spirituality is central to his approach to life, and love. he is absolutely gorgeous- when people meet him, they sometimes can't even handle his blue eyes. and his physique is perfect- a yoga boy- skinny but not frail and strong but not beefy. and he brings me so much joy every single day, i don't even know what to do with myself.

that being said, i am ready to throw in the towel. i'll be 30 this year, and it's as good a year as any to move forward with life.

i still, on occasion, think about my ex. not in a missing sort of way, but in a hopeful, somewhat melancholly way. i really want him to be happy. i saw his car here twice recently, visiting my bff. that means, he's not terrified of seeing me and my honey. which shows evolution. i also heard a rumor that he was dating someone, which is great. phaaaa. i do miss his friendship, but that's a sacrifice i made.

i also am feeling VERY confident about my honey and HIS ex. remember, she's the one who took her own life?? he's removed EVERY element of her from his condo to make room for me. i also found out recently he had changed his locks after they broke up- further demonstrating to my unconcerned mind that he moved on from her long before she did the deed. basically, by the time she hung herself (yes, i found out, that's how she did it) for him it was more like losing a family member than a lover.

anyway...i'm not sure if i'll actually keep blogging, or if this was more of a "wrap things up" posting. for now, i'll keep these ramblings on the blogosphere. i've thought about deleting it all; it served its purpose at the time that i needed it, and now it's over. i never really gained a following or even regular readers, but it was more about the "potential" for readers, while preserving my anonymity. things just wouldn't have been honest if there was someone i knew reading along.

point being, i don't know if i'll be back. perhaps this is a rediscovery. likely not. but i'm sending my love and light out to you all.

and the ugly rears its head

2010-08-16T18:44:00.004-07:00

i just had my first feelings of jealousy.

i was on his FB page. i saw this hot chick comment about being in the D with him last night. instantly i get that fire, that feeling, even though i know...he's crazy about me.

and the stupidest part is, once i clicked on her page i realized its his brother's girlfriend. ha. stupid angora.

anyway, it's there. i was sensitive to it. i do NOT want that feeling. i did so well, it took me so long to get past the excessiveness of that ugly ugly feeling.

we had our first kiss!! you'd think that's what i'd title this post, right? no, it's the negative. out on the line to dry.

but it was beautiful. it was after i spent the night with him. we cuddled all night. and then in the morning, were so close. i could feel his breath. full contact, our bodies couldn't have been any closer. my face was just a couple of inches from his. i'm not moving, i thought. he will kiss me. i will wait here until he does. and then he did.

it was beautiful. it was kind, slow, gentle...and then. i got up to do something. to pee. and when i got back...i totally pounced him. i figure fuck it. i've been SO good and SO respectful this long. he wants to snuggle me all night with a boner, and then kiss me the morning after?? well, i figure rolling around on your bed and making out is just a slight extension of that. so here i come, honey...

anyway, i figure another talk is due. he's been texting me constantly since he left, this amazingly cute shit that makes me get all giddy. "good morning lovely," "just got up from a nap and craving to cuddle," "still feeling the magic of being near you last night," and so on and so forth. it makes me vibrate in every cell. sweet surrender. ay de mi.

and i'm having serious doubts about the professor. i mean...i'm probably gonna do it. but there's a chance...a *chance* that...i may back out. at the last minute. it's my option!! i've already decided that my second trip to chitown will not be with him. by then. right?? i kinda invited my mom. LOL

who knows. gotta tame the jealousy. and keep snuggling and kissing that beautiful beautiful boy.

nap attack boundaries intact

2010-08-11T23:52:00.006-07:00

last saturday after work we took a shabbat nap. in his bed, under his sheets, clothes on. major snuggling. definitely turned on...yet relaxed at the same time.

when i awoke (i never really fell asleep, my whole being was still yet vibrating for the 2 hours) i had the worst charlie horse of my life. literally 5 minutes.

i put his hand on my leg. "is that flexed?" he asked? somehow, i laughed. "no!" i answered. it was as if there were a golf ball in my calf.

was it the spirit of his former girlfriend, upset that i was sharing his bed? perhaps not. perhaps it's that i drank alcohol the two nights prior and did a ton of exercising and heel-wearing the week before. and if you WANT to get all metaphorical and extrapolate something from my physical reaction, maybe it was my emotions settling.

anyway, we spent some more intimate moments tonight. there were a few lip brushings of neck or shoulders. the boundaries are being gently tried, but not crossed.

i can't do it. not yet. i can't kiss him!! kissing him will lead to loving him, inevitably. i know it. i mean, i already love him!! but in love. can't do it yet. i have to see about the professor. we've had this connection for so long, i have to let it have it's final opportunity. i've been waiting over three years. three and a half!! plus, i don't think honey will be ready by then anyway. i mean, it was only four months ago. i just realized/learned.

good night, wonderful world.

<3

funkypoem2

2010-08-07T06:26:00.002-07:00

So many things to learn, to ask
Yet no sense of urgency with which to inquire
So many things to share, secrets to bear
Perhaps such discoveries are insignificant
-exciting to learn-
Yet a sense of calm security envelops this connection.

<3

i love him

2010-08-07T01:49:00.005-07:00

it's official. i gone and done it. STILL in the safe zone, but it's out, it's clear, it's on the table. i love this boy, despite my will not to.

we're still not gonna cross any boundaries, we're still doing the excessive cuddling which is now gone quite public...and even in the private of his own home, i would never do such a thing.

his former girlfriend's sun hat is on the shelving unit, on purpose. it's on display, in memoriam. there was eye shadow in the bathroom. i can't even bring myself to ask. maybe there's a rational explanation, but...maybe not. he's not ready.

and neither am i. even though i adore him, and hope to one day be his. (that's funny how i didn't perceive it as make him mine. hmm. that's a first.) this wonderful psychic woman i met recently thinks so. it's intense. anyway, i'm not ready to be in a "relationship". not in the traditional sense of the word.

i'm gonna see the professor in just over a week. eek!! he's gonna fuck my brains out. finally, after 3 years of intense flirtation and virtual foreplay, we're going to experience that. i mean really it's going to be awesome.

anyway...shabbat shalom...the monster is calling!!!

inhale backspace delete

2010-07-29T06:16:00.006-07:00

sigh.

last night, after saying goodbye to the lovely honey boy, i'm on my way home...i get a call from my ex. he's drunk, he's sobbing. insists that i tell him whether or not i will give him another chance. he knows damn well i have no chance to give him, as there are no "chances," but merely things that are supposed to be and things that aren't. he is a wonderful person...i actually WISH that he was my "it," but he's not. and i'm certainly not going to remind him of that fact when he's piss drunk on the other side of the country.

it was to the point where i was actually asking him where he was, who was there, etc. he needs to stop calling me when he's feeling destroyed, and i need to stop picking up when the circumstances present themselves as such. i need to say to myself, "oh, it's 10:15 here...that means it's after 1am in NYC...i'm not answering this call," when i haven't heard from him in days and i know damn well he's not calling to catch up.

i can let him go. i can do it out of respect. i have. but i guess part of that is not responding to him, from a place of love. i have to remember that loving is not always being attentive, sometimes it is turning your back and saying a prayer.

i have to allow my ego to be bruised, because he's angry and i hurt him. and i don't get to keep him as my friend. my ally, my soul brother, my teacher, my student, but not my lover or my friend.

and then he calls me again this morning. wakes me up at 5:30. which is funny, because that's my wake up time...but i'm teleworking today...so my alarm was set to 6:30. ahhhhhh...

so he calls me and wakes me up. reiterates what he said while drunk, but can actually articulate his words. my god it was crushing to hear that pain on his lips...to know and understand what he is going through and to have the power to take it away...and not. because i know it is the right thing to do. that's no longer my role, my place for him. he needs to resolve that in another way. so i told him.

DTR

2010-07-22T23:38:00.002-07:00

i learned a new acronym today: DTR.

"define the relationship"

someone was trying to tell me i had a DTR convo last night, but on the contrary, i had a DDTR convo. a safe decision not to. very good.

he's clear as a bell. obviously we like one another. and neither one of us has the capacity to be engaging in something ... engaging.

he also told me he felt that we've known one another before, in other times. that means so much. makes sense...why when i get close enough to smell him i'm compelled to taste him, too!

he is truly beautiful. he's totally grown on me. 6 months ago i would have turned up my nose like a snobby hippie. but i see his beauty. i can't believe i missed it before!!

someday...i hope to tear him to SHREDS. ; )

funkypoem1

2010-07-21T02:12:00.002-07:00

each and every day, rainbows of humanity pass before our eyes. endless cycles of lovers, and haters; offspring, and ancestors; all of whom exception belies.

so as we watch this parade float by, and elevated few consciously absorb this refraction of light and spirit; and those that do will reflect to you one's destiny in a mirror.

so many colors are you, such a vibrant hue- and how you've illuminated by days that were once in such a haze...

so as the bolds of your past pillars fade to pastels, bear in mind the space you create for that neverending well of grace.

last night

2010-07-21T02:05:00.006-07:00

he came over last night. we traded back keys. it was sad at first...we started by fighting a bit. and crying. and then we ended up in bed.

he cried when he said bye to my kitty. i don't blame him.

when it came time for him to leave, for the first time ever i had to walk him outside, because he didn't have his own key to get out of the courtyard gate. i walked back up the stairs, feeling confident...back in the house to see what's up on my phone...honey had called and the professor had texted...and BAM it hit me like a ton of bricks.

i ran out side. he was still starting his car. i frantically unlocked the gate. i was wearing ballet slipper style shoes- no support. and awkward. he backed up, and i was gonna get there just in time. i screamed his name. he took off out of the parking lot.

he hadn't seen me! had he? i ran down the street like a maniac, sobbing and calling for him to come back. he was long gone, 30mph down the street.

i got my act together realizing i was in front of a public park, and marched back home. called. he answered. he hadn't seen me.

and he came back for one more bowl....and we said goodbye. peacefully.

i miss the piss outta him. but i'm not gonna contact him. clearly i am moving forward emotionally. i am very interested in becoming closer to other people, and one in particular.

i pray he comes back to me as his friend. i love him so much. i pray that his pain passes quickly. i release him, with love.

capacity building

2010-07-21T01:59:00.004-07:00

honey came over for dinner.
oh, honey. honey white.
dinner wasn't even that good, but the time spent was. and we cuddled on the couch for like 30 minutes. i totally made it happen. he was down. but i will NOT kiss him. i will not cross that boundary!!! it must be him. that's the way i'll trust that he's ready.
but i wanted to kiss him so badly. he's adorable. like a magnet. we were soooo close! my face was like 6 inches from his. ay.
capacity building. that's what we were doing. like in kabbalah, like in community health initiatives. building the space to fill...together??

a dream

2010-07-18T21:06:00.002-07:00

last night. it was me and the honey boy. it was pretty true to life, casual yet intimate conversation. we were sitting across the table from one another. i decided to leave for a moment to retrieve something- and before i left, i leaned in to kiss him on the cheek, and he kissed me. softly at first, closed mouth. then he opened up and kissed me deeply; it was beautiful. and then, it felt like his entire lips were inside me, like i was sucking him in. "ouch," he muttered. and then we kissed some more.

aside from the strange moment of "i want to eat you monster," it was really nice. felt so right.

today was his dad's memorial service. it was beautiful. it was incredible to hear all the wonderful things everyone had to say about my dear friend. and then afterwards, there was a brunch at his father's house. i went.

and it was absurd, as usual. 30 second hugs. excessive kisses on the cheek. hand holding, brushing, touching, on and on. i told him that i had a very deep love for him that grew really quickly. he said he felt the same way.

i want him. i want to hold him, touch him. our sex would be amazing. i will never cross that line...it has to be him.

i'm having him over to break the fast on tuesday. tuesday is the 9th of av, so he'll come over at sundown. i wonder what it will be like, just me and him. the same, intimate connection, with touching, expression?? i can't deal with that. i mean, i could...but it's rare. i always get closer if i get that close...

i wonder, i wonder where this will go...

was thinking about blogging...

2010-07-13T19:16:00.005-07:00

and i decided not to. nothing to blog about.

and then my phone blew up with the second ex in a row. constantly. exes exes exes. they never let me go. cept the recent ex. and what about the monster? he can just let me go?? meanwhile i've got men and women from the last 10 years wanting to love me, fuck me, be with me, affair with me...even the one who's getting married loves to friend with me!! he's not willing to let me go, even though it's platonic!?!

so, my ex will come back. the others...it wasn't like this right away. it's ridiculous for me to think we won't rekindle a relationship of friendship. we have connections in two different states.

i've got cramps. i think. i sure hope so. i've felt this now and then for the last random whatever span of time, but i swear today it's more than usual. maybe i'm finally getting my period???

i went to the doc yesterday and she took my blood. we'll see what that says. but YAY i swear i just felt a stronger cramp. here's to hopin it's not a kick, LOL!!! it's not. for reals.

i was on the monster's fb page today, i unhid him, lol. it said he was "in a relationship". really? mr. i don't want to commit to anyone i just want to have my fun?? i mean...there's a good chance that he IS in a relationship, but an open one...anyway. the funny part is, i don't really care. it doesn't really make me sad. only validated. AND, i would still be interested in him visiting me, tee hee. so i asked if his new found status precluded him from an autumn visit. we'll see what he says. either way...it'll all be ok.

i applied for two jobs. both that i don't want. but pay way more than i'm making. we'll see if i get interviewed!!!

guess i did have a thing or two to blog about. ; )

he's gone crazy

2010-07-11T23:03:00.004-07:00

my throat hurts. he called me up today, he used his sister's account to sift through my fb to find shit to be paranoid about. and then he tried to interrupt my night spending time with a family friend to bitch about it.
i called him back later. he kept me for an entire 40 minute car ride. screaming. he drives me up a fucking wall. i can't count how many times in the last 4 months he's asked me if i've been with someone else. NO, i say. i am not going to tell him what he wants to hear. maybe i should? i just want him to go the fuck away at this point. i can't deal with his insecurities. he brought this on himself.
he's also been looking through my internet history, why does he want to confirm his fears so badly?? why can't he just be a man and walk away?? he has to find me in the wrong.
and we had this peaceful ending to a tumultuous conversation where we said "i love you" and i'll talk to you soon...and then he just HAD to call me back and upset me some more. start a fight.
now my fucking throat hurts from yelling. my blood pressure is out of control. he seriously makes me so angry i want to bang my head against the wall. i'm probably lucky i didn't get in a car crash while arguing with him at 70 mph earlier on.
anyway. apparently we're finally trading back keys, etc. when he returns from vacation. finally. sad, but good. jesus christ i can't deal with this shit anymore. it's just getting worse and worse. and the more he tries to push me into a corner and control me, the further from him i want to be!!

i forgot...

2010-07-11T13:28:00.004-07:00

i'm so out of the thick that i forgot to mention...it's been a week now since carried the heaviness with me. no more sadness about a monster. i practically forced it outta him, but he fed me the line i expected. his heart hasn't changed. he still cares for me, i'm just so far away. he's focusing on what's in front of him. which, to me, is basically a bull shit line but it DIDN'T even make me feel bad! i wanted to hear it...the truth...even if the only truth he'll offer me is a line of bull shit!! i wanted either validation that he cares, validation that he's a cocky dick, but instead i got both. happiness.
and since then, my feelings towards him are a lot more positive, open, free of hurt.
i wonder, if he comes back, will i be the same? or will i maintain this bulletproof vest??
cheers to the new cute boys in my vicinity. and potentially some girls. <3

update on fate

2010-07-11T13:15:00.005-07:00

last night i took a journey. ate some jellies- was good. nothing crazy. nothing too heavy. mostly just got silly. and this shit nearly made me pee my pants:

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/07/dog.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+Hyperbole-and-a-half+%28Hyperbole-And-A-Half%29

so i hope you enjoy that. i was literally crying on the couch.

anyway, last night was not exactly a spiritual experience. i didn't see anything i didn't already know. i didn't linger in any sad with the monster, even when i saw an adorable picture of us. he even texted me a bit, which was fun.

i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow for my stomach, and i'm going to ask for a work order for a pregnancy test. i know i'm not...i know i know i know i'm not...but i need more confirmation. it's been 4 months since i had my period!! don't get me wrong this is awesome but dios mio mang!

i hope you have a wonderful, beautiful day. and i hope that honey boy keeps texting me. he has been. <3

shabbat

2010-07-11T13:12:00.001-07:00

i connect to the loneliness late at night. this is now. i sit in it.
it’s not so bad….yet.

i went to a shabbat dinner tonight with a cute friend. he is so lovely- i really like him. sincerely. we’ll call him honey.
here’s the thing about honey- his girlfriend killed herself early in the year. around the same time i broke up with my ex. which is why we were connected in the first place- someone matched us up to grieve together. the magnitude of his loss was quite humbling- especially considering the grace with which he handled it.

my internets are down right now, so i’m typing this in word.

i digress. but what’s a girl to do? this boy, when he smiles... it’s endearing. i’m certainly not going to be the first to kiss him. i would wait forever. i just…couldn’t bear to connect with someone in that way who’s experienced what he has- especially given my state of being. i’m certainly no monster. maybe a nightmare, but…wait. i guess they’re the same.
what my train of thought was with that non-functional analogy was that i may treat my ex in some heavy, terrible ways…like dating other people and not telling him and continuing to sleep with him and rationalizing it in my mind as “we’re broken up”…but i cannot do that to someone who is such a stranger. i guess what i’m saying is i have to build up some trust with someone before i can walk all over them. wait what???
anyway, i know he likes me, and that’s enough consolation to just have a fun, spiritual friendship with a bit of a spark.

goodnight. shabbat shalom!!

a 17yr old wrote this.

2010-07-11T01:58:00.001-07:00

Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs. And someday, you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy. Maybe it's you, on your own. Picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is knowing that after all the unreturned phone calls and broken hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment... you never gave up hope

bulletproof

2010-07-05T22:07:00.001-07:00

next time maybe i'll be bulletproof??

prolly not.

my eyelashes are sprinkled with the salt of the bitter sea, honey. and you leave me here lovely; you're such a heartbreaker- and possibly a faker.

process feelings

2010-07-02T22:52:00.003-07:00

ok, just got home from my date. was on fb. saw that the monster was on fb. waited around for 5 min or so, to see if he would chat me...he didn't. went to my email. he replied to my dirty email, but not the one asking him wtf is up with the lack of communication. hmm. i don't know what that's supposed to leave me to assume.
i just really wish i could process him outta me.
anyway, after the whole fb green light thing, i saw the email was fresh, and he wasn't gonna chat me..i did not go back. gonna save my pride.
but i wish he would call me. = (
holding back for me is soo tough.

the date was fun. no major chemistry. ah well.

date tonight

2010-07-02T14:55:00.002-07:00

ok, so tonight...craigslist date! lol!!
so i saw that beautiful man at the grocery store and thought, wtf, i'll post a missed connections ad. right??

i'm pretty sure you took a double take...but i didn't move fast enough!!
i'd love it if you gave this kitten another chance to play catch. tell me what you noticed about me, and what i noticed about you...and then we'll see if you can blow my heart up.
xx

and then two days later i get a response!

Ok… I’m not sure if it was you and I; however if it is, you noticed my tattoos and I noticed your gorgeous eyes… we definitely couldn't stop taking ‘double takes’…. I was wearing a gray quicksilver shirt and black shorts…

so yeah. i was like WHAAAAAAA! it was the eye contact and the tattoos that caught me, for SURE. ??? these things actually work?
so, turns out...we were at the same grocery store but two different locations...so this missed connection was relocated. or something like that??
anyway, he looks pretty cute, sounds pretty cool, definitely smart, that's required. and tattoos YAY! so...we're meeting anyway, lol! even though it wasn't a true missed connection.
vamos a ver...he's an ex cop & military guy. they usually don't like bisexual potheads. but i'm going into it with an open mind, and hoping he's willing to do the same.
keep you posted whahhahhahhahah

HA!

2010-06-29T18:50:00.003-07:00

that was my message today. my sweet, endearing, thoughtful message.

seriously...why bother? i DON'T get it. i'm starting to think that maybe he's a narcissist. i mean, for reals. why else would he bother feeding me scraps, other than pity? whether he wants to be on my list or not, if he really cared about me he would NOT string me along like this. he'd either continue to engage or be FRANK with me and let me down hard.

it's funny...no matter how long you build something, it only takes seconds to fall. i had a great day. was super productive at work. i came home, was a little stagnant trying to get on the internet...and then i get that message. that wholesome message, "HA!" in response to my joke, "i'd rather spend my birthday money on a new tattoo than an abortion." no, kitten how are you, i've been doing this, i miss you...just a dumbass unnecessary response. i know i'm fuckin funny, i do not need your three character validation. anyway, back to my story, things fall apartment. i see his name on my email, my heart starts to beat, i can feel it and hear it pounding in my chest...i click...i wait for the page to load...and that. THEN, i get a text message...it's my downstairs neighbor, the one i adore...rainchecking on our evening. = ( seriously? that's what i was waiting on, looking forward to. keeping me from my demise on the internet. of course i replied lovingly, and proceeded to burst into tears once hanging up. yes, it's ok. i hope you have a good night. and i do..i just...hope i have a good one too, dammit.

anyway, that's it. i haven't texted, emailed today. i did that once before..but i really want to stick to it. i don't know why i bother expressing myself to him, when he obviously doesn't want to engage. i mean, i also don't know why he won't just tell me to stop...that's why i feel like maybe he's a narcissist. he wants the attention, he just doesn't want to give any back.

it sickens me. he's so fucking beautiful. all the wonderful things he said to me. all bull shit. a liar, a faker. i see this now. what the fuck. i am such a FOOL. but i have no regrets!! what if he was my man? what if our connection had been real? i had to see. i had to learn...the hard way.

but now...i'm done. please let me be done? i used to pray him back to me, now i pray him away. please, god, let me see the light. let me see him for who he is. let me let him go. let me see the light, the truth. help me along that path so that i will be ready when the right person comes in.

a LOT of prayer lately. a LOT.

yesterday

2010-06-27T08:52:00.003-07:00

yesterday was sinfully delicious. i spent time with my ex. we went for a long hike, and then he took me to the fish market for dinner. and then we made love, and it was even pretty good. and then i let him spend the night.
sometimes i wonder...could we work it out? should we try? i really need to think clearly on this one.
and another one. i have a job prospect in front of me...
my stomach just knotted up.
i think i need to take some L and think this shit over = )

i took a test

2010-06-27T08:37:00.004-07:00

and i'm not pregnant.

just wanted to throw that out there in case anyone was appalled at my lack of concern for conception. i pretty much knew i wasn't, because i was taking those crazy birth control pills. but the last time i had a period was early APRIL. no wonder i've been so weepy, out of control sad. my hormones are fucked. i stopped taking the pill, hopefully i'll normalize in the next few months.

anyway, even though i KNEW i wasn't pregnant, i went and took a test last night. i wasn't even worrying about it, i was purely being rational. i figured if i WAS pregnant, i could have been since the beginning of april- that's nearly 3 months now. so i was thinking if i was needing an abortion i better get ON it. i hadn't gained any weight, no sore tits or morning sickness, so...

i took a test and i'm not pregnant. which is cool, cuz i probably couldn't afford an abortion AND a new tattoo. ; )

(see what i'm sayin, i am SO not cut out to be a mom right now...or possibly ever. = )

the narrative

2010-06-24T22:59:00.005-07:00

oh, sweet heartbreak. it happened for reals.
the monster broke my heart. i totally let him, in fact invited it, but i let him just the same.
he just...stopped. he probably couldn't handle my goobering emotional response to our separation. he gave me a week of "normal," and then...went away. no explanation, no warning, not even a heads up. ugh. and then he intentionally stayed just enough so i would not think he's a complete asshole. (he is.) (well, not complete...but he's definitely an asshole!!)
ahhh...anyway, i don't need to give you the gory details, but i cried for like a week and a half. and then it was my birthday. so i stopped. no need anymore. i gave him, it, his its time. ah well.. such is life!
i gotta say as much as that sucked, and i did cry like a baby, it feels soooo good to be awake again. to love, to be rejected, to recover, to know my value even when i'm so sad and can't understand why he can't see the fabulousness...i'm shiny and i know it don't know why you want to blow it, need a man who likes it rough, likes it rough, likes it rough...
so, i def stopped taking my pill. first of all, i'm not really having sex with anyone else...(more on that), so it's not like i'm gonna keep it going for august for this boy..and i'm pretty sure it's making me CRAZY. i'm sure it's a huge part of why i've reacted so strongly to everything. AND i haven't had my period in two months. i'm waiting...i'm totally convinced it's the pill, and not that i'm pregnant. i swear...it's a full moon. i should be getting it anytime now. anyway, i guess if i don't get a period in a week or two i'll take a test. ha.
my ex girl was in town for a few days. it went generally well, but she's just a hater. just like my ex. (the recent one.) i can't handle her passive aggressive comments. maybe the problem is ME that i'm too sensitive, but the bottom line is it's a major turn off.
she tried to make out with me a bunch, and did succeed in making me come one night in her big condo bed, but for much effort on my part. ah well. i'm never very good at saying no to her, and really i did want the release. and i didn't even reciprocate, i just rolled over and fell asleep. ahhhhh....
tomorrow i'm going hiking with the recent one, for my birthday. i'm really looking forward to it, we haven't spent any alone time together in forever. we've also erected some new distinct boundaries, and they seem to be working ok...so far. who am i kidding. he drunk dialed me last night sobbing. i sense a break coming.
so here i am, alone. my bff is gone on vaca for a month, which is cool cuz we can use a break but seriously, i'm gonna miss her like mad and be super bored. so bff is gone, the third friend from the march vaca is gone, the monster is gone from my life, my ex girl left town...it's quiet, vacant, spooky, lonely, and wonderful. i really want to get into this. i'm gonna dose soon too. i can feel it. : )
ahhhh...so tired. must sleep. much love. i can't believe i got over this thing about the monster. stupid boy. is what it is. and i am what i am. and i wouldn't change that!
mwah!!

lessons from the kabbalah

2010-06-24T22:50:00.003-07:00

my love for you is based in my ego, a love of being loved, and a love of my reflection. and the ultimate betrayal is self-rejection.
that's the lesson: love myself.
i don't believe in me; you lose your spark for me.
if i were to love you sans ego, from the bottomless source of compassion within, i would not seek love returned; i am never depleted.
when i tip at a coffee shop, i am distinctly buddist. i don't care if the barista sees me slip my note in the cup. i give because it's the right thing to do, not because i seek recognition for my generosity.
i must love from this same spiritual standpoint: endless interconnection and infinite love.
(and then i will grow.)
you are a beautiful, blessed lesson.

you are a monster

2010-06-24T22:43:00.004-07:00

i handed you my live, pumping heart on a golden platter, dazzling with rainbow colored jewels. head first, you dove into it...sucking, chewing, gnashing your way through, blood spurting everywhere.
you devoured my little life organ, fingering every last shred of tissue and delivering it to your mouth. then you looked up with your beautiful brown eyes, smeared with my crimson radiance dripping down your cheeks, persistent as joy and artifice.
i glared at the empty platter, still in my grasp, and when i lifted my gaze you were off, traipsing away. you glanced back with an authentic smile, dry blood cracking at the corners of your mouth and your werewolf chops soggy and matted, shimmering with garnet droplets.
for you, it's on to the next meal. perhaps, i will feed you one day again...but today, you escape without intent.
you are a fucking monster.
(and i loved it.)

blah blah blah blah blah

2010-06-16T15:39:00.005-07:00

morose. here is a collection of what i've been writing in the last 24. pathetic!! monster is intentionally pulling back. he thinks he's doing me a favor. that's fine. i'm ready to accept that. but it's taken me a good 24. here you have it, in reverse order:

3:
i have huge regret for sharing my feelings with you, because i'm guessing that's what's keeping you away. although i suppose, if you're not really into me for who i really am, there's no reason to postpone the inevitable.

2:
i would...rather keep you in the margins of my life, but i can’t fight you to be there.
i really thought that our connection was strong enough for us to get passed the load of crap i dumped on you last week, but i understand that perhaps it is not. you are a boy, and when boys don’t like what they see...they back up.
and so i will let you go. i’ve rearranged so much of my emotional existence in the last few months, it’s constantly shifting. at this point, i have to let go of you as my lover, and let go of my ex as my friend, all at the same time. it’s a salty bitter sea around my face.
i totally miss you. it was so much fun spending time with you. and i’d jump at a chance to do that again.
xox,
me.

3:

i reach out to you-
you push back.
no love for the weary hearted.

i could beg- i would beg- but i know that would leave me with less than what i have how.

at least i retain half a scrap of dignity.
you are not the lover you claim to be
you are selfish.
and i am gullible, pathetic, and true.

i won't weep for you-
just let a few tears slip down my cheeks & choke back the rest.

i wait.

"paciencia y fe"

so there ya have it. blah blah blah. i'm actually feeling better right now- i got some great advice from rare places. they all tell me the same- LOVE is what i AM. don't ever hold it back! it's ok to be sad. love it, live it.
they are right. it's heavy sometimes, but it's worth it. i get it back. sometimes not in the arena i'd choose...but it comes back nonetheless.

anyway, "limon y sal" is my new song for him. pretty much sums it up. : )

kisses. i've been praying a lot. i should go do that now.

where is my heart?

2010-06-10T05:43:00.002-07:00

i've recovered from the monster. it took me 2 days. 2 days with him= 2 days recovery. i can handle that.
i've done a really good job letting go, too. no messages from him a day, no messages from ME in a day, and most importantly, no tears.
he intellectually knows my value, but does not appreciate it. and really, i don't want to be in love with someone who isn't dazzled by me.
i miss my ex. all the sweetness. i wish he could inspire me, horizontally. it would be so worth working on in that case. but he just DOESN'T.
bello said he can only give me what he gave before. which is a lie, because since that weekend, he really hasn't given me SHIT. no phone call, only text when i'm desperate. and now that i'm not desperate anymore, i haven't heard a thing.
anyway, LET GO.
i did. goodbye, lovely monster.

processing

2010-06-08T09:46:00.003-07:00

so i just went outside and had a good hard cry about it in the garden. tried to dig to the bottom.
said things like this:
i forgive myself for loving him. it's okay that i gave someone my heart and they did not reciprocate. i can let it go. he appreciates and admires me. i love myself, regardless of whether or not other people do. i don't need his affection. last weekend was idyllic. i deserved that. it was authentic. i put my heart and soul into my love and i am proud of that. i am a special person. there is someone out there who will appreciate ALL of me.
and i prayed, a lot. in sanskrit. english translation:
may god protect us both together
may god nourish us together
may we gain energy to know the truth
may our study together be filled with light
may we not oppose each other.
ohm, peace peace peace.

obsessive patterns

2010-06-08T08:45:00.004-07:00

i'm in the email check, facebook check, cell phone check, repeat cycle. it's horrendous.
do you ever do that??? how do you stop it? i have such a hard time letting go.

seeking clarity

2010-06-08T08:18:00.004-07:00

i know i need to take a step back from him. i want to see him in the fall. and if i keep up this pining bull shit until then, it's not going to happen. i need to disconnect, but i don't want to. i want to stay connected to badly.
anyway, i treated him really roughly yesterday, and totally made a desperate ass of myself. i hope he's willing to see past that and give me the time of day. i feel like such an ass.
i spoke with my other ex about it today on the phone. he calls me when he's down, so i figured he would probably return the favor. it was really healing to talk to him. i know he's right; i have to keep my eye on the big picture. this dude is 92% not "the one" even though he's 99% "right now". i need to go back to my career, my friends...go back to letting go of my ex. with whom i still have not completely severed.
i am not invincible. i cannot love consequence free. i connect too deeply for that. i am not looking for surface love. i can only accept that kind of superficial love from admirers, which i have plenty of. once i connect with someone on that deeper level, if that's not reciprocated, i can't just stand there and continue to hemorrhage love.
and that's an important lesson i learned.
the end.

by the way

2010-06-07T11:17:00.005-07:00

i did it. i let him have me sans barrier.

i felt safe. STD wise, that is.

i think it probably affects my emotions more. i've never given that to anyone that wasn't...my partner. don't get me wrong, when i was young i effed up and didn't use condoms properly every single time...but i never went out of my way to plan and take the pill and give that up.

i just wanted to be close to him. so close. and i was.

perhaps too close.

i feel compelled

2010-06-07T10:38:00.003-07:00

to blog. no specific reason.
i just spent some time with my ex girl- the same one that's going to visit me in a bit. it was sincerely delightful. all the good stuff. hopefully spending a few days in a row together will continue to bring only the good stuff.

i'd rather blog about the monster, even though it's complete whining. that's why i write on this damn thing, anyway.
how do i fall so quick, so easily? is it really him i'm pining for, or the idea of him?
i wish i could just turn my phone off, and stop wondering if he'll call. i can't stop my heart, but i can stop my energy. stop sharing that outpouring of love. why do i torture myself? what compels me to do so? what is it about feeling sad that i'm attracted to?
is there anyone really capable of loving me back, the way that i want to love someone?
he's ignoring me right now. i know why. it's cuz he wants to talk to me, and wants to wait until there's a time he can give me is full attention. well, i want someone who can prioritize me. the way that i prioritized my ex when he called during my stay with il bello. ugh. what makes me love so much, so intentionally. to the point of pain. i'm a glutton for pain! i always have been. what is it in me that causes that?
when i'm in a fulfilling relationship, i feel that after a certain point of utopianism i rock the boat. i instigate. i catalyze such a demise. back to pain, and search for pleasure.
but there is no pain quite so pervasive as an unrequited love. not that it's completely not returned...it's sincere, authentic...but unfulfilling. distant, emotionally speaking. i will always want more, and he will never be able to give enough. so why do that to myself.
why do that to him?

he's incredibly beautiful. taller than me, strong, medium stature. beautiful tattoos adorning his arms and legs. dark eyes. hair darker than mine. in this cute punk rockers shaved on the sides and long and sexy down the middle. totally hairy, i mean completely. so hot. chops.
flamboyance when he speaks. a sweet tone. playful all the time.

makes me feel like i'm on top of the world, but would never want to stay.

ok, i'm sobbing now. i have to go feel this.

i have been remiss

2010-06-07T06:28:00.005-07:00

here i am.
i just got back from the wedding with the monster. i am in love with him. i can say that out loud. i don't want to have him, i can deal with not "HAVING" him. but he can't give back what i need to sustain my happiness. perhaps i can see him every few months, but the sting of reality is hard to bear.
he made love to me and looked directly in my eyes, the whole time. over and over and over. he kissed every inch of me in worship. he was the perfect date. on a whirlwind, fantasy weekend. and now it's over, and he wakes up in someone else's arms.
i say i want the poly lifestyle, but once i fall, it hurts. unless he can reciprocate the "favorite" status...which, he can't.
it hurts. no regrets. it was sweet, delicious, beautiful...and now it's over.
i am still tied to my ex, as well. we'd been sleeping together this whole time. i know it's not fair what i'm doing to him, either, even if he's unaware.
on a side note, my ex girl is on her way over now. perhaps i can talk about some of this with her. = (
i shared so much with him. i brought him gifts of poetry, music, and sweetness. i bought his ticket, paid the car, the room..."it flows and it flows and it flows and it flows, my love is a stream. your love is a vaudeville show, charming and obscene". that' ani lyric really sets it.
not saying he's not appreciative...just saying he can't reciprocate. i'm not talking financially. i'm talking in LOVE. not enough to keep my heart from feeling this burden.
i will be blogging a lot more this week, since i'm on vacation at my parents' house.
love.

adventures of ms. messy

2010-05-29T15:47:00.003-07:00

what can i say. been a week or so.
today at work i smoked up with my ex, and this adorable 20-yr old artist/model boy, at the same time. i'm sure he was SUPER jealous, but what you gonna do? the kid's adorable, an innocent crush...in fact, i dig this boy so respectfully we've even had that CONVO, that "this is just friends" (among flirtation) convo. and then, the movie guy stopped by.
the movie guy...well...just not engaging enough. not smart enough. ha.

wow. just found this drafted. basically, i dumped him. = )
anyway...thought it should post.

blowing off work

2010-05-24T08:09:00.003-07:00

i am sick of being a fool for you, time after time.

you are the presiding insignificance on this stage where i dance.

i am working on building an apparent shell. i realize my infinite compassion prevents me from the benefit of an actual barrier, yet the arrangement of that which emulates a layer of protection will still offer me solace.

right??

i am not well. i am obsessively indulgent. i am inattentive to the core. my eyes are on the clouds, my head is considering my sunburn, whilst my raft is about to go over the falls.

i am a simple, desperate, misguided, frivolous, hopeless, damaged, cowardly, and unattached person for loving you.

i deserve nothing.

and you certainly don't deserve me- none of me.

i am ill with the will to hold me back from you.

perhaps then i can rebuild my temple.

two weeks til monster

2010-05-22T22:07:00.001-07:00

-The New-friend love that you totally trust. The love that tells you you’re beautiful and deserve the world. The love that sends you champagne and cookies because what else would you possibly need?

http://takeelah.blogspot.com/2010/05/word-of-day-vol-xx.html

yesterday was a crazy day. met a new tattoo artist...blah. too tired. mwah!

runaway train

2010-05-15T14:55:00.007-07:00

here's the deal- you are just a little scary to me. that's why i call you monster!! but leave it to music, even old, played-out music, to help me put it all together.
this morning on my way to work i heard "runaway train," and i realized you are my runaway train.
so here you are...much like me. but from a different starting point. excuse me for saying it out loud, but it appears you had a very sexually repressive upbringing...and long term relationship. obviously, you are enjoying your freedom. you are a happy go lucky runaway train!! i, on the other hand, had a very sexually liberal upbringing- and they both have their faults. i've gotten much tamer in my late 20s since i started in my mid-teens!! anyway, i know what you're capable of, because we are so similar. ; )
you gotta do your thing. i gotta do mine. in the meantime we have this connection...
"bought a ticket for a runaway train, like a madman laughin at the rain. little out of touch, little insane; just easier than dealing with the pain..."
so i DID buy my runaway train a ticket...and i certainly feel like a madwoman lately. but it's my choice- to you love you, my runaway train- because that is easier than dealing with the reality of my loneliness and dysfunction. the song is all about how lost the dude is (me) and his one consolation.
anyway, blah blah blah. i'm fine with that. you are so fun. i adore you.
i answered an online personal ad from a couple!! = ^ ^ =

today

2010-05-15T14:55:00.001-07:00

i've been waiting patiently for weeks, every saturday morning. finally, today you show up wearing no wedding ring. i don't need a backstory.
why yes, you can have my number, take a number, get in line, here's my card. you are #2 in the downstairs break rotation.
i take you to my car. we smoke. we connect. we talk about all the most important things, like wine, and meditating with your eyes open. and then...
you take off your sunglasses. blue eyes? blue eyes! you didn't tell me you have VIBRANT blue eyes!?
i was hoping for brown, or hazel, or green, or honey...or something like that.

i sno t impressed.

2010-05-14T00:29:00.005-07:00

i'm sleepy. yet i feel compelled to write.
i have a date with the PA lady on saturday. we're going to see my friend's drag show!! i figured that'd be a good one for us. and then 12 hours later, it dawned on me...if the right chemistry is there, i could get LAID on saturday night!!! the potential is there.
oh, and by the way, i gave my ex a bj today. seemed like the right thing to do. i certainly wasn't going to let him try to touch me. i used the excuse that we didn't have enough time to spend, and i didn't want a quickie. i want attention. which is true, but i still know that his attention won't satisfy me. anyway, he's out of town for the weekend, which is a good thing. i seem to be successful at building some emotional distance when we have physical distance. last break we had we reached a no-intercourse plateau. maybe now we can reach a no-blowjobs plateau. and getting laid last time on vaca certainly helped me create and maintain that distance...so maybe getting laid THIS weekend could help me to do that too. : )
i am SO tired though. SO tired of everything. yes the hormones, yes the weed, yes the job stress, yes the break-up stress, yes the lonely stress, yes the missing some new boy i don't know stress, yes to the mess of the stress and i'm not impressed. i digress per the mess.
my apartment is a friggin disaster. i am going to talk to my counselor about it tomorrow, which i rarely do. well, i mention it, but i don't go into detail. and i allow her to believe that she's intervened and that i have the self-efficacy to come home and DO it.
well, here's the good part. i have a friend and his girl staying over next thursday night. guests are always extremely helpful in terms of getting my visual act together. and it's not that i'm THAT far gone. it's just that i DON'T want to do it. it causes me physical pain. (almost)
i've been looking at personal ads. that's where folks start, right? look at them for a while, and eventually decide to post one of my own? i've viewed it all...from the down in dirty craigslist (i actually identified one as my friend and a second as *perhaps* this other person i know...), the free plentyofish crap, and the pay for matches and yahoos. i'd totally do it if i was bored here in my current situation. which i'm not. i'm nearly overwhelmed, in fact. BUT, when i get bored, i'm so there!!
anyway, sleepy time time. have a good night, internets.

now I am a monster

2010-05-11T19:01:00.004-07:00

that's right, you got it. i capitalized that "i".
seriously though, wtf is wrong with me. i'm starting to think maybe it's that pill. that godforsaken no-baby pill. arrrrgggghhh!!!! need to get past the first month....
but for now, i want to scream, cry, tear my hair out, rip your head off...i just reamed my ex out for being a sweetheart. help me!!
i mean, i got down on my knees and begged. (i do that a lot lately.) i understand it's these hormones making me feel CRAZY right now, but it's the underlying bull shit that sparks it all.
i know i shouldn't complain, but i will.
i'm very possibly going to lose my fucking job. my job that i LOVE that doesn't even pay the bills...but it does pay my health care...
and right now my job is OVERWHELMING. same as everybody else, right?
and i'm sick of being lost...i don't even care about being lonely...but it's that unguided free floating feeling that i fear.
i love and love and love and love but where the fuck does it come from? i have this outpouring of care and desire and nurturing for everyone in my life. who's replenishing this? am i supposed to find the time to do that???
can someone PLEASE turn my emotions off. for one minute. one day?? puh-leeease. stop loving. everyone.
i'm such a facade. my boss is losing her mom right now. there are beautiful children wrought with disease and famine. and i go through life touting how great i am, how great everything is. while inside i'm FREAKING OUT. but why? i'm fed. yeah sure, i have a credit problem. most folks in the world don't even know what credit IS and sure as fuck no one is going to give them any.
some people have a problem that they don't love enough. i love EVERYTHING. how to stop??
the weed is a problem. i know this. i spoke on the phone with my OTHER EX last night and he was telling me he quit. now...i'm not one for cold turkey (even though that's how i quit cigs) but i do know i'm an addict. have you seen half baked? bob saget is all like, "you're addicted to marijuana? no one's addicted to marijuana! let me ask you this, how many times you sucked dick for POT?" or something like that. and it's true! it's not like alcohol, or opiates, but i'm definitely psychologically dependent on it. even the monster was telling me i should clear my head for a while!!!
meh, who knows. i *should*. doesn't mean i will. i'm fighting other battles right now....right???

everyone blogs about mom

2010-05-09T11:02:00.003-07:00

am i supposed to blog about my mom today?
to be honest...i sent her a card...a saucy, hilarious one. but then i only called her by accident.
i love my momma. i AM a momma's girl- for 10 years growing up it was just me & her.
but i did not feel an urge to blog about her today...and everyone else has. either that, or they blog about their experiences being a mom. i am not. nor do i feel compelled to write about either.
i went for a hike this morning. a 5-miler. up a mountain, and back down again. i SMOKED it in 90 minutes!!! but the whole time, i wasn't thinking about my mom. i was thinking about the bugs, and the monster, and the other potential mates that might be hiking on the same trail, and maybe a little bit work...but not my mommy.
i mean, i worship her. i let her know that all the time. i just saw her in february, and i'm gonna see her again in a month. why this special day? i hope my little sis who is with her gives her a great day. it just seems futile to try to do that from all the way over here.
anyway, no disrespect to the mothers out there. i'm glad there's a day for you. but i hope you feel special like this more often than twice a year, today and on your birthday.

joy can be painful

2010-05-05T23:05:00.004-07:00

you are a frivolous creature
-a boy of sorts-
dashingly exciting
yet terminally boring
you were my zombie revival,
you brought me back from the dead.
-and that somehow attaches me to you?
i couldn't just check you back into that shallow grave??
no, i brought you with me
all the way to the desert.
AT A TIME
when all else is full,-
in fact, overflowing?
this blossom lives on-
under the shade of my car,
in the corner of the crazies' parking lot-
we'll see how long it lives
in the heat of the summer.

you are here.

2010-05-05T11:22:00.008-07:00

i think i've finally located that place. it's somewhere between st. patty's day and cinco de mayo. all the poached catholic holidays turned to vomit fiestas.
i'm at the bottom of the well. looking up. the walls sweat beads of fear that cling desperately to the eroding structure. every minute and a half a "plink" hits the bottom of the well- one more memory falls to the cesspool below.
and i lay there. dress tattered, shoes smudged. my skin tears easily against the aged pavement. more than one trickle of blood makes its journey from my face to my ankles.
who pushed me down here? and how the fuck do i get up? i was full. and now i have nothing left.
i've been here before, and i don't remember how i got out. i think i just started building...slowly...but this well is deeper and more narrow than any i've ever dove into.
i will pray. and be patient. and pine. prayer, patience, and pining. oh my.
let's get specific here:
the monster. i know my expectations are dashingly unrealistic. but are they?? my only expectation is that we have some kind of a connection that would cause him to think of me. the communication has dropped way off. that's OK- it makes sense. but...how much of it makes sense? and how much of it am i obviously being a moron?? should i chalk it up to reality, or am i being duped? i realize that time will tell. he'll either show at the wedding, or he won't. and if he doesn't...well...that will be a tall glass to drink. a lesson i'm not asking nor hoping for.
the money. i am fucking broke as a joke. literally. i am about a half month behind on my bills, and it's going to be several months before i build that back up. i haven't done my taxes yet. i'm hoping that's no biggie, just a late fee or something??? hopefully the tax refund will bail me out before the wedding...
the ex. saw him yesterday. first, we fought on the phone for 45 minutes and i freaked out as usual. then, he apologized for being a fucking asshole as usual. then he came over...and NOT as usual, we had a really positive, tender exchange. even got in a private clothed and couched 5 minute snuggle. it was delicious...i'm still dreaming of it. in fact, when i think of it, i tear up. i'm starting to miss him again. not in a desperate i need him way, but in a fond, oooh that's not a dime a dozen kinda way. if only...
and the date. today is a special day for me. my father died today. and i'm not sure what to do with that. see, i never knew him. i know his family, even though they live on the other side of the ocean...but i dunno. he was apparently a chauvinist, probably would have divorced my mom anyway. but what does that mean? i don't imagine he's "watching" me, but where did his energy go? is it with me now?? i was his only offspring. there are actually some fantastical black magic circumstances that are alleged to have influenced his death. what does that mean? and why did his best friend tell me that??
and work!! i forgot about work. it's at max. can't say anymore. because i should be working right now.
anyway...here i am...at the bottom of this dingy well. i can barely see the light at the top. so i lay here...looking up. my head is propped up on a stone so that my scalp doesn't soak in the black water bottom with the rest of my hair. it's sticking into the back of my skull but i don't mind. the annoying pain of the stone is nothing compared to the aching in my body from what must have been my fall...which is nothing compared to the pain in my heart that i must ignore to persevere forward at this time.

i am beside myself

2010-05-03T21:23:00.002-07:00

i did something great! i fixed up my computer. it's been...a year. that means i've been that long without personalized access...i've been snaking on my work computer. eee! feels good to be legit.
i need to smoke less. i do. i'm out, and i'm broke...i should take a break. ay!
shit's slowed down with the monster. in a GOOD way. and well...the ex has moved on. i sensed his shift.
i dunno. it's a crazy world out there. i'm not that inspired to write right now, just wanted to update. plus my position is not that comfy. i said i got my computer hooked up, i didn't say i got it settled in.
one thing at a time, people.

cooling down the microwave

2010-04-29T07:59:00.004-07:00

he's starting to let go. i can see it happening, slowly. but it's tough.
he's still obsessed with the fact that our friend likes me. and that's ALL he wants to talk about. i told him last night that i don't want to talk to him if that's what he wants to bring up again.
but then, all these signs he is seeing. signs from the universe. first, he was at a bar when i texted him, RIP Peter Steele, I'll Paint it Black. now i was talking about type o negative, but "paint it black" by the rolling stones was playing in the bar he was at at that moment. then, the other night we were at a hockey game...huge stadium...and he's in the section literally next to me. and he sees these signs and thinks...he shouldn't give up yet.
i asked him then, what could he bring to the table? i told him i felt i'd given our relationship everything i have, i'm done. but if you have something else to bring forward i'm listening. his response was "all i have is love." and i told him that LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH.
so he realized yesterday i'm moving on. he's suspected it, he's sensed it, he's seen it, and now i've confirmed it. "yes," i said. "i am."

it was my work that kept me upright
so you called it a crutch
while i drifted off into dreamland of such and such...
you can't will yourself happy
you can't will your cunt wet
you can't keep standing at the station, pretending you're being met
you can't wear a sign that says "yours" when that ain't what you get...

last night

2010-04-27T07:42:00.005-07:00

so i'm on my way to bed...texted the monster a goodnight poem. i notice it's about 10:30, and with our time difference that's about when he usually calls. but my expectation is that he will not. = )
and then he does. such a sweetheart on the phone, we talk about so much! about how we both love-ed to dose, and still occasionally do...and. AND! we decided we're gonna do it. gonna go uncovered. his dick on my skin, on the inside. i mean, if i'm putting it in my mouth i may as well...i reminded him when he goes for his STD screening to get hep & herp- they usually don't do those ones unless you ask specifically.
so i got my report card back- i failed everything. yay! the one time in your life you want your tests to be NEGATIVE.
i mean, i really can't believe i'm gonna do it. my gay boy friends are like don't. i should probably trust them but...i do trust the monster. i believe him he'll get his full screening and will not have unprotected sex with anyone else. the thing is, protected sex still spreads STDs. i guess that's the risk i'm gonna take. in my defense, thus far my monster is only sleeping with women. so i don't have the MSM risk.
anyway back to the hilarious story...we're chatting. i'm getting sleepy, but then he says something that makes me all wet...next thing i know we're having phone sex again. after we *kinda* decided not to, cuz we want to preserve the attraction...but i guess if it happens naturally we really can't help it. he makes me so hot. i came like crazy, first. then i talked him through the next 10 to 20 seconds and...beautiful. i love the way he comes.
THEN. he comes down...omg. this is the funny part. he tells me after he recovers a second that his ROOMMATE walked in right after he shot!! i was like, why is she walking in your room without knocking? and he's like my computer's in the living room. the huge screen mac. basically, the roommate walked into her own home, saw her roomie on the phone at the computer and said, "oh hey! you're home," and then saw WHAT was on the computer. pictures of me. very pornographic pictures of me. HAHAHAHAHHA SO FUNNY!! not only did he get caught wanking by his roommate, but he got caught being ON the PHONE when it happened!! ugh, it's killing me. i am still LOL about that.
what a cutie. i decided i don't give a fuck about his sexuality, as i always insist that my partners don't give a fuck about mine. so fuck it. if he ends up with a man in the long-term, whatevs. what he's doing right now with me is authentic, and that's all that matters.
what a beautiful boy.
what a beautiful day!!

details

2010-04-26T21:45:00.003-07:00

it's all in the details. here's some i owe you.
i was faced with an important decision tonight. i wanted to do something naughty. my choices lay before me: turn on the AC, or have taco bell for dinner. each opportunity carried with it a disdain for sustainability, a crass kiss off to nature.
you know what i picked. in my defense, i went vegetarian.
no but really. i was feelin pretty bad last week...i was deep in regret. so i let him know, i was having second thoughts. and he responded beautifully...which reminded me why i invited him in the first place.
and, getting all worked up about him and then letting go did something great for me; it taught me to not be so emotionally invested in this boy. which is something i knew, but wasn't ready to do. so this helped get me there, with very little pain relatively speaking.
i've been considering cutting back on pot lately. which is weird, because i've been a smoker on and off but mostly on for 15 years. but i was in a meeting today, and wasn't lively, wasn't contributing. i didn't like that. also my therapist called me out. which is weird because i'm stoned in there like ALL the time. but she noticed.
so i dunno. it could be helpful to not HAVE to be stoned on dates just so i can eat a decent meal.
speaking of a decent meal!! i went out with the engineer boy again. the one i picked up on the train. just happened to miss his flight and i got a swank lunch out of it. brunch, actually, complete with champagne and creme brulee! YUM!! what a weekend. on fyah.
so i'm trying to pull back on the monster, just a bit. in a good way. i dig.
i dig love. <3

now i member

2010-04-25T11:09:00.002-07:00

now i see. i did tell you bout the wedding.
eventually i just told him i was all butt hurt, and he totally stepped up to call. what a sweetie. it's all good. i needed that...i took a step back since then. release.
love.

has a busy dance card

2010-04-25T10:46:00.005-07:00

wowie.
so check this out. friday i was on FIRE. and frankly, i still am.
went to a conference all day downtown. swank. i love being around academics, schmoozing, learning, mentoring, being wined & dined. (although in my field they rarely serve alcohol [in the US].)
and then...the end of the day...i hear this incredibly provocative comment from the back of the room..and echo of myself, that is. i look back and it's this curly haired cutie about my age. and i look at his name badge- i know this boy.
we're both the youngster local powerhouses in our fields. we've communicated many a time via email.
so after the session, i go and introduce myself to him. i can hardly wait.
we talk, we walk. we connect. he's on the level. he sees i'm on the level. i propose an after-conference drink.
he calls, i make my way over to this swank department store-turned bar. on the way there, this homeless dude (he didn't even smell like one) stops me and tells me all about how the aryan race is trying to take over, and the government implanted a chip in his brain...here's his medical records...
back to the story. i get to the bar. there's this other chickie there too, actually a bff of one of my mentees...which doesn't even matter. he sits by me, makes sure i'm in the middle of them. his foot is on my chair the whole time. he touches me. multiple times. plus the accidental brushes, running into one another while walking...such magnetism.
and the conversation is rich. i look at his adorable ass telling stories of compassison and triumph like a puppy dog; meanwhile i'm sure to display my own cat-like agile handle on world experience and wisdom.
whoo wee. then the next day, i get a text. we were joking that night cuz my bberry is through my work's server, and the text says, "wait, is this business *angora* or personal *angora*? i'll watch the texts.." "personal. text away," i reply. "porn sex anal. you better be sure!!"
hilarious!! goodness gracious. "cock, smack, bare-back. i'm sure," he got back.
nice one. hope he calls.
SO THEN...
i'm on the way home. gonna take the train. to go meet my girl at another bar. and i see this boy...this tall blonde boy. talking to a homeless guy, patiently.
when the homeless dude walks away, i just HAD to say something, having given a random crazy 5 minutes of my day already. long story short, tall blonde boy is an engineer and an environmentalist and has many professional overlap interests...goodness. 30 minutes later he's buying me dinner. oh, sweetness!! i'm actually gonna have lunch with him in a few minutes here before he leaves town. gotta love the out-of-towners.
speaking of out-of-towners, il bello is officially coming to the wedding with me in june. did you know that already? i don't blog enough to tell.
oh, and i'm supposed to be going out *maybe* with the email guy from work, too. today. hahahhahh

processing

2010-04-19T07:30:00.004-07:00

so check this out.
i bought the monster a ticket to accompany me to my friend's wedding. he was super stoked...and the messages have not dropped off completely, but they've dropped. and no phone call since then.
granted, we don't usually (usually in the context of our 2-week relationship) talk on the weekends, i have a social life, he works constantly, and our diurnal rhythms are opposite. BUT, nevertheless, doesn't it seem right that he owes me a phone call to say thank you, and geek out a little bit?? usually he calls on monday or tuesday, he usually (my new favorite word, i'm adding a tag for that!) has a day off one of those days. which he spends thinking, texting, and jerking for me.
it's so funny, how i could not care about him pursuing others, and me doing the same, yet i would be like, "you haven't called in 4 days! maybe i shouldn't have bought that ticket??"
ah well well i DID. so suck it. we'll see how it pans out. i'm not gonna say anything, i'm just gonna be patient. in fact, i'm not even gonna text as i usually do. (and i haven't been.) ah, l'amour.
and then yesterday i stopped by the ex's and i guess i WAS wearing a see-through skirt. funny thing is, i wasn't wearing it for him, i was wearing it in case i went to PRIDE. pretty funny. anyway, he wanted to cuddle, and i let him, but then...usually i put a stop there. i didn't feel like it yesterday. maybe something about il bello..the way ex's cheek felt against mine, warm and scratchy and soft in between. plus, i was feeling bad about the drop-off in attention from my new toy...so i went for it. i didn't give him the pussy, i just blew him. i know it's his favorite, and i'm damn good at it...it's a super powerful position to be in plus i don't really feel like i have to be intimate with him. by not giving him that soft piece of my soul between my thighs. he was so happy. i'm pretty sure he's still glowing the morning after.
anyway, i'm doing my best to take things at face value. i only know what il bello has revealed to me, nothing more. process what's been handed to me. don't focus on or consider or ponder things that i can't see.
all i can see at this point is that il bello sends me wonderful messages, and had a busy weekend.
everything else is moot.
right???

validation

2010-04-17T18:21:00.002-07:00

i just had an epiphany. i don't need to validate him.
i mean, every time i write him a one-liner...he one-lines me back. it's incredible. and i always am so excited and AMAZED than another human being GETS me on this plane, that i communicate that. but...why? my fear is that he'll lose interest, that our from-afar affair will not be worth the small effort it takes sustaining, when there are other folks in his city he can play with. but come on, what we have is different. not in the "it's special" way (not that it's not ; ) but in the way that there's no way for it to go immediately sour, and really, it does not take any effort. a couple of phone calls a week? that's nothing. i can put in that much.
anyway, TANGENT, i should not validate him every time. i should enjoy the fact he gets me, bask in that, bask in the fact that is mind is capable of such banter, and do not beat it into the ground. let it be beautiful, don't touch it up until it's smeared. it's more fun worth waiting for. let him wonder, what is she doing tonight?? or not. whatevs.
anyway, i AM a sucker for validation myself. i LOVE when people do that for me. and those close to me know to do that for me. but, this guy does it..differently. not because he wants to, because he just does. we totally vibe on the same plane, and it is so rare that when i do that with someone that i am actually attracted to them. and he wants to bareback...awwwww...you know i'm gonna say yes...

ask and you shall receive

2010-04-17T05:55:00.006-07:00

i am a flower, and apparently it's pollenation season, because i have lots of buzzing bees.
the monster (il bello, that's his other name) is still kickin. sends me adorable pictures of himself snuggling, masturbating, working, just being. adorable. i do the same. and...i bought him a ticket to go to a wedding with me on the east coast in june!!! so, i have a prize on my arm, and someone to talk to in a place where i'll know no one. and it's gonna be perfect. just less than 48 hours, many of which i'll be tied up, not by him teehee, but doing wedding stuff. so it will leave us wanting more, which i think is the point.
also, he asked me to bareback. which is INSANE that i'm pondering it, considering that he's boy-friendly. i mean, he hasn't done the deed with a dude yet, and i feel like we have a cool enough thing going that he'd tell me if he did, but it's just HIGH RISK. (this is my professional training coming out, or perhaps a personal bi-as?? i dunno though, numbers are numbers and they rarely lie.) when you get an HIV test, there is no question on there that asks about your sexual orientation. the quesiton is, DO YOU HAVE SEX WITH MEN?. and i suppose thus far his answer is no. but i kind feel like my bello monstruo is gonna end up that adorable (yes, he's so adorable!) kid in the bathhouse who everyone makes fun of (and then comes out). whatevs. in the mean time, i'll have fun fantasizing about him being my stay at home husband (open relationship, of course, this is my fantasy) and me being the breadwinner, career woman. he can stay at home and write (and take care of the kids if he INSISTS we have them) and i'll make the paper go boo-boo. and i'll come home in my power suit and heels to a sexy hairy man in a house dress. in his words "follow your green martini with a rude shove to the couch". yee haw.
what's up with this? do i only rebound with my reflection?? or should i really be trying to end up with someone like this...like me??
anyway, i'm learning to just accept his love, in the moment, and not worry about everything else. i prayed and prayed for passion. i have symbols painted all over my life to remind me of my goal. and it came along, so i need to take it. i need to remember that i'm in no place for a real relationship ANYWAY, so this is perfect. i'll take my tender, saucy, snuggling, sexy boy from afar. ugh, i can't wait to have those painted nails down my back.
anyway, june is gonna be my month. i have a guaranteed lay at the beginning of the month, i have a potential lay when my ex-girlfriend comes to visit (and if she looks good i'm gonna rage it. best sex ever was her.), and then when i'm back in my home state i have another potential with another sexy exey. this one got a BUNCH of tattoos since we banged, so i REALLY wanna do him now. mmm. he even has one on his dick!! should i give him a name?? eh, not yet. lol.
anyway, i asked, and i received. i even got asked out on email the other day at work. i get asked about about once a day now. on fire. love it. pink and red and calaveras and mandalas and prayers and everything i can to conjure it up. love love love.

just fall on your knees

2010-04-14T06:42:00.004-07:00

i am such a roller coaster.
i spend each and every day on a TEXTPECTATION. i'm pathetic. il bello send me pictures throughout his day...and i do the same. i told him last night on the phone when he told me that "i'm entirely too far away," that i disagreed. i thought the timing was right for us to be far apart. really what it comes down to is that if he was HERE, i'd be even more gaga over him. i'd want to be all up in his shit all the time, and whether he was interested or not, it'd be all-consuming for me. i mean, it is, even from here, 20 hours apart.
last night i had the hottest phone sex. he just tells me how it is. so many hot, enticing images. he made me get out my vibrator!!! and i'm such a writer, it makes me so bashful to have to SAY sexy things out loud...makes me blush in the dark. and i loved it.
such a blessing. i am so grateful to have that in my life, undefined as it is. i've been praying and praying for passion, and the universe brought it to me.

octaves

2010-04-08T17:42:00.006-07:00

octaves & exes. that's what this entry is all about.
i just left a VM for my EX. yeah, the other ex. the scary tumultuous ex who only very recently stopped haunting me.
last week when i was on vaca, he emailed me a lonnnng email. said that our short phone convo (which i was so ready for. i was trying to talk all casual and catch-up and he wanted a serial convo.) has stirred up some shit, and it was really affecting his outlook with this new chickie. so i shared with him some releasing techniques that i used to get rid of him (teehee) and told him not to hold this girl accountable for what I did. only much longer and more eloquent than that.
and he replied thank you. and that was it. or so i thought.
last night he called me at such an inappropriate time. (funny thing, i was with my ex, you know the most recent one, and my bff. i'm sure my bff assumed it was il bello calling, but he so not thinking of me at that moment.) such an inappropriate time!! thing is (did i already blog about this??) i used to give him shit for letting his ex call after what i deemed to be an inappropriate time. "people you're not dating shouldn't call after 10," i told him. (fully meaning girls by people.) and then he, my ex, calls me late and thinks i'll pick up. sheesh.
anyway, i texted back, no reply. this morning i get a flurry of messages about how he basically is feeling anxiety about his new chicken and somehow thinks i'm gonna help me sort that out.
anyway, i did try him back. no answer. ah well. but the funny thing was, his voice. his voice on the VM when i left a message. soo deep. it's just funny, this boy i've been talking tooo...so doesn't have that voice. it's flippant and playful and octaves above my EX. !!
such a contrast on the surface. but not underneath. i mean, it's true...i crave that sensitivity. the relationship i had with HIM was, i suppose, the last true passion i ever felt. until very very recently.
but how funny is it, i break up with my boy, pray and pray and pray for love and passion, and this is what i get:
-passion- passion for a boy i can't have. insane, beautiful, drive you crazy passion. (beautiful like the sunset i see from my window right now. cool and gentle but obscene and ... you just can't look away.) i pray for passion, and i get it, somewhat unrequited, somewhat returned.
-love- i get love from 3 different exes. count em THREE. the boy, the recent boy. the girl, the girl. and the EX. they are all reaching out to me, saying, "i need you, i want you in my life. you are a wonderful person."
i get the passion i love that i pray for. but can't i have them both, returned, from the same person???
anyway, i just got off the phone with my bff in the east, and she basically told me to chill. she gave me the mental health perspective- she wants me to stop thinking, just enjoy, whatevs. but i can't deny my internal feelings- this boy is a monster. he will break my heart if he doesn't back up immediately. (but i think he may be.)
anyway octaves. octaves octaves octaves. i need someone octaves beyond these people. bring it on. no don't. let me stop feeling so lonely so i can enjoy some time here (months? a year? years??) to myself, and not always be in love with someone.
i mean it's INSANE. i can fall in love with anyone. i really do. ok not true...i am very picky about the target of my affection. but if i pick you---damn. no wonder people get obsessed with me. (or get the fuck away from me!! ; )
but i mean...it may be pretty cool to just get into being by myself. i've never really done that.
ugh, i mean...who am i kidding. this boy, even IF he actually dug me (and not the other type of bird) and if we somehow wanted to pursue some madness...i could never handle his lifestyle. i mean, roomates?? hello?? ugh. i can't handle someone who chooses to live the poor life. i'm such a bitch!! i'm just saying, what fun would it be to visit you if we had to fuck around your roomate's schedule??
and..wait..come to think of it.

BAM! a bunch a shit just flashed through my brain. (there's an amazing sounding bird outside! my god i'm so stoned!!) ummmm...my mouth hurts. just a little. like a cancker sore...i hope. right??? herp in your mouth wouldn't show up so soon right?? i mean, i put that beautiful dirty boy's penis in my mouth!!?!
i'm so just being paranoid. i'm so just imposing my bi-as. but damn...now i'm second guessing those condoms from the gay club...fuck...i'm such an idiot. i know the eastern bff disagrees, but i might have just gotten totally played. (and infected? nooo....) seriously i'm a fuckin moron.

why is he still texing me????

the monster....continued

2010-04-08T03:34:00.006-07:00

it's my double standard, i know. but it's mine just the same.
he's still calling, texting, when am i going to see you? beautiful, sweet, poetic things...and erotic sexy darling things...
and then, he gets to the fantasies. hmmmph.
i should have found it coming. why in the world do i think i'll find myself a beautiful, androgynous straight boy? he doesn't even have to be completely straight...i think back to the way he flirted, kissed, tasted, touched me. how ragingly hard he got, before he came 3 times. but it is what it is just the same.
the fantasy...the 3rd and final he gave me...to learn to suck dick. goddammit. i'm a great teacher, i tell him. i would love to rock a strap on and teach you, shit i would love to see you perform what i teach you on someone else. but that's so not how it is. if a guy wants to suck a dick, he wants to suck a DICK. not turn on some hottie girl wearing a strap on.
now, i know this is my double standard. here i am, a self-proclaimed bisexual girl. i like boys AND i like girls. fact fact fact. but, i just can't wrap my brain around men doing the same. = ( at least not..in my experience.
even if this guy really is oriented towards women, i can't stick around for this sexual awakening. which is even more BS since he provided me with just that..ugh.
the first guy i ever enjoyed sex with was bi (he's now gay). and then he broke my heart. then, i was basically raped by a different guy who is bi. (and still probably raping girls.) so you see, at least there's some validity to my experience regarding my double standard with bisexual men.
ah well, bello. it's probably better this way. i shouldn't blow a bunch of money to come see you.
meanwhile, i saw the ex today. we cried when we said goodbye...for the first time ever i didn't invite him up after we worked. and then, we cried about it a little together on the phone. jesus.
and then, my other ex called. don't know why. it was pretty late, almost 10, so i didn't pick up. it's funny, bc i used to give him shit when his ex called after 9. "people you're not dating shouldn't be calling you that late," i'd tell him. (turns out they were kinda dating.) anyway, on top of all this emotional crap, i was so not picking up that phone call.
lesson of the monster: if someone seems too good to be true, it's because they are. i'm going back to edit my list.

bello monstruo

2010-04-06T17:50:00.003-07:00

he hasn't quit. my beautiful monster...he's been CALLING me. like, ON THE PHONE??? i'm so not used to that. the professor is just tease and text and leave...this boy is like prod and poem and prize!!
i know this is a phase. a passing phase. but i'm going to RIDE it out. it's insane how quickly i fall in love.
but i haven't felt like THIS in so LONG! it's not even true love...it's true, blissful infatuation. he messages me all day, constantly...naughty things, sweet things, poetic things.
i do call him a monster though. i know he is. he is like this reflection of me...italian, don't give a fuck, dreadie at heart, passionate, bisexual, dark and humorous beautiful creature.
my head and my heart move oh so fast. by the time this boy breaks my heart my ex will only just be starting to get over me. i can't help it.
i hate this condition. i love it, i live it, i crave it, i missed it...but now that i'm here i remember why it's so disdainful. all this passion and love..unrequited.
so many snippets, so many close calls...i'm going to go pray.

i am.

wowie

2010-04-05T06:34:00.003-07:00

i did not expect this. i am leaving expectation at the door...and sitting aghast in wonderment. or should i say vunderment. = )
il bello is persistent. what a dream. he's honestly the first dude i've been involved with who actually plays ball LIKE me. and i think i like it. clever as shit...for example, i send him a pic of me "cheers!" with a glass of absynth. "Absynth makes the heart grow fonder," he replies. Which turns into a gentle all-night convo with poetry and eroticism...

I'm fairly certain we tasted each other. My tongue still slips saccharine across the back of my teeth as I recall you dripping from my smile like the sun smooth kiss of a fresh peach.

Like, yee-haw, hello??? Where the fuck have you been all my life? And I've been spending my time writing poetry and prose for these IDIOTS that don't even get the entendres??

then the next night, things get a little saucy. i sent him some pretty pics...and he actually CALLED later that night (even woke me up and i didn't care) to say THANK YOU. i mean, i would have flipped a brick if the professor did that. he didn't even bother to send me a thank you in email or text.

and the snuggling. my god. the only person i've met who is as obsessed with snuggling as i. what a travesty, this beautiful person is in a different city, and not at all interested in the nature of relationship that i am. but, also...what a blessing...what a blessing that i crossed paths with this creature, and that i'm receiving his attention at this time.

meanwhile, the musician and professor are calling, texting, emailing...but i don't answer. it's not that i don't want to...i'm just...distracted. = )

people do this!

2010-04-04T15:47:00.005-07:00

why not say what we mean, and mean what we say. i mean, don't get me wrong. know what i mean. my shit's so cluttered with metaphors you'd need...wait i won't go there. = P i'm not trying to mean or anything, but why don't people say what they mean?.... why don't i??
well i'm not playing that game any more. i told movie boy what's up. the coen brothers are exciting and everything, but he's just NOT!! hahaha. also, next time i get the shot, i'm gonna come out full on to the med student. and, the professor. (how funny is this? the professor teaches where il bello got his BA...different campus though ha!) i'm just gonna take the next opportunity to throw it out there...and if he can't handle prioritizing the bait, wtf am i waiting for.
who am i kidding, what am i waiting for. i'm waiting for the sex i've put him off on for over 3 years. i'm waiting for what i got that tiny sliver of...the fact that he has some innate ability to drive me ca-razy!!! but really...if he's not gonna, why should i stay stuck on that? i'd rather get the rejection done with so i can cry it out and move on.
speaking of cry it out, i'm having a sad day...sad day. easter..how funny is it, but i loved eating easter meats with my man. (funny cuz he's jewish ; ) it was a ritual...yummy foods & friends & wine. and now...i'm at home. i'll eat some friggin hummus for dinner. and cry a little.
vacation hangovers are tough. i come off of a whole week with my girls, an amazing interaction with a boy, and now i'm home. tough shit. i just want to smoke and smoke and smoke...and then cry just a *little* bit more.
i feel lost. i know it's temporary. i know i feel way less sad then i did just two months ago. but i do...i do i do i do. feel bad.
it totally feels like the day after taking ecstasy, or something like that. = ) my serotonin is all tapped out because of boy drug. it's been SO LONG since i had one of those. no wonder i'm in such a sad puppy-dog state.
there's other people out there. there's other people out there i vibe like crazy with. it's just that it's been a long time, so long that i forgot what it felt like. it's ok, let it go...
*a mi tuo fo*
i need to spend some time with that.

THE LIST

2010-04-04T12:32:00.009-07:00

Traits that I Require in my Long-Haul Partner:

0. THE SPARK- whatever that may be. scientifically defined, or otherwise...duh.

1. (drumroll, please...because i'm not afraid to say it) PHYSICALLY DESIRABLE- a face that makes me quiver when they gaze at me.

2. INTELLIGENT- give or take, my intellectual equal. educational level is flexible, but must be driven and high performing in whatever area they've chosen.

3. EXPRESSIVE- (this is one i forgot on my last list) willing to share emotions verbally, artistically, and especially in writing. (i mean, seriously, how could i have missed that altogether?) regularly tells me that i'm beautiful, in dynamic ways. (jeah, so i'm a chick, whaddaya want??)

4. SENSITIVE- must be willing to empathize with my emotional needs. (sick a mf haters)

5. somewhat ASSERTIVE/AGGRESSIVE- this does not necessarily preclude sensitivity. = ) somewhere in between assertive and aggressive...protective to a certain degree, dominant in bed, and rather chivalrous, when warranted.

6. ADVENTUROUS- must be willing to travel *just about* anywhere in the world. includes a willingness to live overseas, since a EU passport is my birthright and i plan on doing dissertation research in latin america.

7. INDEPENDENT AND NEEDY- that's right, a balance. maintain separate and meaningful daily lives, whist participating in a shared existence. while maintaining emotional dependence. = )

8. SENSE OF HUMOR...- this one is probably further up the list, but it's too late for me to renumber everything. must have an ability to share in my twisted perspective. we must have the ability to tell jokes to one another in a crowded room without speaking. this humor thing is definitely attached to the intelligence factor- my jokes need to be understood without explanation. catch em or they're gone. this person also must have the ability to make me beam for hours on end!! living loving laughter.

9. FAITHFUL- in whatever circumstance we agree upon, which is fluid throughout the course of the relationship.

9. cheesy, but, dedicated to SELF-IMPROVEMENT- in career and health.

10. dedicated to CONTRIBUTION- must somehow be engaged in improvement of our earth, world, city, country, or what not...whether in work or volunteerism.

11. EASY-GOING in nature- open to possibility, including both spirituality and science. not interested in breeding. not attached to frivolous things (like big wedding or a big house). ability to off-set my tendency to be overly concerned with life's momentary and constant stressors. also, must not have any issue about my sexuality, and be very secure in their own.

12. loves to be ACTIVE and EAT high quality food- together. : )

13. loves my KITTY- ha ha, yes that one too.

Overall,

*stirs me, drives me, frees me, inspires me, and revels in my doing the same for them.*

These are my requirements, Universe. A Lover by nature. The Rest is up for discussion.

prelude to the list

2010-04-04T07:14:00.015-07:00

this is going to be an absurdly long one. let me start it with this- the last few days of the vaca were certainly the BEST.
when i spent a morning shivering, shitting, and dry heaving...every time i would almost pass out, i would be brought back to the waked ones by some sort of disturbing apparition. for example, one of them that i distinctly remember, an old woman's face...she was dark skinned. scarred, disfigured face. crazy part is i was staying in a place owned by a free black woman in the early 1800's. now, i know i'm a *bit* psychic, but that shit was creepy. it also could have been influenced by the gruesome, leathery face of the stripper i saw just before retuning to the hotel. it was that overwhelming, falling feeling you get when you realize that hot ass is your sister's. (that's never happened to me, but i imagine that's what it's like. nice tits...but the face of hell.) i felt like i was going through slow withdrawal all morning...from alcohol poisoning. i don't know what got over me. i think i was freeing myself...i think it was partially me purging the demons of my relationship still remaining. but my girl had other ideas. she said i have horrific hallucinations because i pick up boys in zombie shops. = )
anyway...i have this incredibly long journal entry (i guess they're called blogs these days) but i hand wrote it on the plane..in rainbow pen as usual. i had a spiritual revival.
the whole trip my girls are talking about their LIST. see, i already had one. didn't see why to write a new one.
what i didn't realize was...my ex fit ALL the criteria of my old list. and then...i met this adorable boy. i do not know what to call him for the sake of this blog. let's say...bello. i think that's about perfect.
anyway, this bello ragazzo picked me back up. that's right, a son of a preacher man brought me a spiritual revival. happy easter and mothofuckin seder. it was just what i needed. so ok, here's the post: (ha)

i know what i'm going after. it's the full package.
that may not be where i am now...ready for my eventuality, but that's ok. i need this exploratory phase in my life. i am free. i have no restrictions, no boundaries. i can just have *fun*.
there was something he said, il bello, about momentary authenticity, that really rang true. i am so ready for that. "only you, forever," is not necessarily central to the clause of togetherness. it's generally inferred in our society, but up to each couple's interpretation of its means.
i've never been an "open relationship" kind of person. when i'm dating, i'm dating, and when committed, i'm committed. but "forever" is a really fucking long time. when i think about the nature of my sexuality, the fact that when i've been with a man for a while, even if the sex is good, i eventually crave women. i could so do that in the context of a stable long-term relationship. and i guess everything is circumstantial, and evolutionary. during my time in this most recent relationship, i've gotten past all kinds of things and let go of weird uptight BS that my past lovers impressed upon me. i've come a long way, baby, and i have no way to know what will happen in the future. all i know is that being static will bring an end to anything.
and i am grateful- that lay was GOOD. = ) but i'm mostly grateful for that ray of hope. it was a bath in possibility. and it brought me out of a long sexual drought.
and here i am, with endless possibilities in front of me: the professor, the med student, the PA chicky...(i'm so ditching the movie guy- not feelin it!), and then my boy in the dam's been all over that shit as of late...
all i'm sayin is, i'm here. i'm ready. i want to experience it all. if i'm so committed to finding commitment...i need this. yeah i know i did it in my early 20's and early teens but this may be my last shot, until my life partner DIES. = P
and hell, believe me...if i had a chance to lay down (and go out!) with this boy again...i for sure would. no question. we have all kinds of stories yet to share...like escapades of lucy...my f'in gawd it renewed my faith in the fact that there are people out there that i'll just VIBE with sexually. that's why i'm ditching the movie boy. that's why i'm pursuing the professor and il bello! my gawd...fuck.
only one thing that could get in the way: another relationship. that's why i'm so not gonna go there. i'm sick of missing opportunities for connections like this. there were many during my last relationship. i need to spend some time...some serious time...rambling, roaming, and connecting. i won't be lonely ALL the time.
but what can i say...if i connected in a synchronistic setting with someone like that...locked eyes with some of those beautiful browns and wasn't told i had to let go...my god, i might get snatched up. that's some moving shit. the best part is, i understand the unlikelihood of such a discovery, an untied match who is ready and willing, but when they come..the extenuating circumstances will just allow our potential to flourish.

carino bello,
i've let go of my past. forgiven myself, forgiven others.
loving, touching, fucking, chewing, gutting, sucking being with a beautiful stranger such as yourself leaves me with no negative residuals.

in fact, i will look my ex in the eye today and feel no guilt. even though he called me on it, the bad feeling. (i'm done with men who have intuition and aren't even in touch with it.)

i will wear your sweat and smell and hug him, thank him for taking care of my cat.

i know it would slay him. i know he's not at that point yet. i've progressed faster than him. but i think he's really only a few weeks behind.
and if he knows what's good for him, he won't look into it too much or ask me (or himself for that matter) any questions he doesn't really want to have the answer for.

i am composed of many passionate energies, a collection of all the existences i've lived. this strong spirit and intuition guides me. perhaps i am destined to be a serial lover- pouring my heart into each project, whether day long or spanning years, looking for a partnership that i'll never attain. i am ok with that- i will love every minute of it. including the greatest heights and incredulous losses. i'll revel in it ALL- because i am incapable of restraining the outpouring of love from my soul- it guides me at work, in friendship, and in romance. and i'd be LOST without it.

so, now that i'm thinking more about what i really want, i'm ready for my list. next blog. angora's list.

you know, and then there's the aftermath. it makes me sick, where's mine at? the unavoidable connection, sensitivity doesn't capture it...the depth of experience that i invest...the crushing reality that there's another person out there i "could" love. another fucking idea to be in love with. that's it. i can't just live from high to high, i'm longing, begging for someting somewhat sustainable. i hope i shed that out. i'd hate you after 3 months anyway. blah. sigh.

i just heard your moan
and inhaled your sweat
you were right there
face in front of mine
so much to kiss
too much to touch
i exhale
and you're gone

a new potential

2010-03-29T23:40:00.004-07:00

someone new came up. someone that's come up before. i realize that's a contradiction but i'm going with it. (a guy from college, still friends...)

thought about it in college...we were both ALWAYS in long-term relationships.

this is the thing- he has that THING. that thing that makes me laugh and laugh...and he's looking WAY cute these days even though he lives halfway across the world. and a brilliance to match mine...imagine that???

anyway, there's a lot in common. we're both total freaks...in many, many ways. hot ways, weird ways, crazy ways, intense ways...and he's a cancer. i've never actually dated another cancer...come to think of it, our birthday is on the same day. !

anyway, we started joking about how i'm just a couple thousand short of EU citizenship, basically it's my birthright i've just never had the time/money to handle it.

so he starts joking about how he'll marry me to get it too, and i'm like we'll you should just pay for it and then it'll happen a lot sooner!! and then...the conversation went to sex. i told him i might give it up...but if i did...he'd want to marry me anyway, cuz that's what happens to most. = )

i know he's always liked me. not sure if i'm abusing that or not. i dunno...i've just never really looked into it too much...and then today it dawned on me like HELLO.

wtf?? interesting...let's call this one "the musician," since he plays every fucking instrument under the sun.

vaca continued...

2010-03-29T15:32:00.003-07:00

i feel as though i'm in a box. in my vaca, in my relationship status. i might spend a day by myself on this trip to see what might happen. maybe i'll have some serious fun, who knows. it will be pleasurable, at the very least.

i really truly have feelings for the professor. i fantasize about him all the time. it's been like this for so long...on and off for more than three years. his smell...definitely an instinctual connection. and i've never given it to him, only teased. he begged, i teased. that's how it is when we are in person.

however, usually, the interaction is the opposite. it's me wanting his attention, not getting it. me getting thrown just enough scraps to sustain the desire. i know if i read the book "he's just not that into you," it would tell me HELLO?? he's only interested in sex! that's why he's into you when you're there and not when you're not.

but i just doesn't end up to being that simple or linear. sure, maybe the end result is the same, that i should move on and not spend my energy or desire on him, but i tell you the guy is somehow a gentleman, somehow does actually care for me. maybe not to the point that he's capable or willing to give me what i really want, but to the point that i know he honors and appreciates my existence.

a big part of me wants to say fuck it. if he comes around and wants to lay me, let him, i know it will be good. but stop sitting around and thinking about him. stop texting him. stop wishing he was here. but there's another part of me that says...this is a dude who can choose from many to be laid. yet he's continued to pursue me through all these years. maybe once we connect in that capacity, he won't want to let go. maybe it will confirm his curiosity that i am that special lady he's been hoping for.

but eh, probably not. probably just pheromones, and not the lasting kind. the cave man kind. = ( i want love and partnership and dedication. (and hot sex!!)

vacation update

2010-03-28T23:34:00.002-07:00

high-maintenance relationships

what's the deal with high-maintenance relationships. i mean, if there's sex involved, ok, sometimes, i get it. but WHAT'S the deal with high maintenance friendships.

so i'm in this city. on vaca. and my bff is so hard to handle sometimes. i really struggle with it.

i just want her to have fun. and really, i'll do anything. because if she's not having fun, i'm not having fun. so it's partially me authentically wanting her to enjoy herself, but it's also partially selfish. I want to have fun too, dammit.

so like, if something doesn't go her way, or she gets sick of something, she just shuts up. she doesn't say, "hey, how bout we do this," or "i'm over this already," she just acts like a total downer. and i hate to say it, but sometimes i really feel like it's directed at me.

like tonight at the club, i tried dancing with her when gaga came on, and she just stood there, and looked at me, like "what?". and then our girl came over and did the same thing, and she totally gave in and danced with her, and smiled, and laughed, although she still pretended to hate it. what's up with that? why's she wanna punish me???

i understand. the four agreements, one of them is don't take anything personally. i understand that her treating me like this really has nothing to do with ME. i understand there's some underlying issue, and i could guess what it is, but i won't even go there. i'm just going to go on and do my best to have a good time. which is really hard. = (

i know this is a recurring theme in my life that (the girls are laughing at the pics now of tonight as if they had so much fun) i am overly sensitive, and it is a barrier in my relationships. honestly though, i'm not sure if the problem is THAT i am too sensitive or THAT i choose people that are not right for me, too harsh by some means. maybe that's a question for my therapist.

anyway, i'm sitting in the room with these girls and i can't fucking handle it. nice vacation. fucking bullshit. here i am in a beautiful city and could have so much fun and do whatever i want, but instead i'm fucking worrying about how someone else is OBVIOUSLY not having a good time. i'm sick of only being happy on someone else's swing...it was supposed to be a really fun night. i can't believe this is who i'm with, how it is.

meanwhile, the professor is actually texting (she's acting as if she cares wtf i am doing at this moment) me and saying that he'll find some time. we'll see. i'll believe it when i see it....but god it would be nice. i totally have a fantasy that he'll come around and feel what i could *potentially* feel for him.

anyway, i'll stay in my professor fantasy this week. hopefully the vaca won't totally blow. i want him to touch me. i want someone to touch me. and i want someone to touch my bff too so that she'll be fucking happy for a day.

blah ... blah ... blah ... blah ... blah

vacation

2010-03-28T10:44:00.006-07:00

here i am....on vacation. girls' vacation. in one of the most magical, romantic, dark, and twisted colonial cities in the world.
the first day was a bit complacent. blah blah blah.
but last night got a bit more exciting. i see why people love this place, everyone is a rockstar here. we were walking down the street and some bar guy pulls us up onto the balcony...i was like OH that's how you get up there!?
my one chickie friend totally ran up to some 21 year old and make out with him. it was freakin awesome.
and then some shop owner came on strong to my bff. we're totally gonna track him down today too! hopefully he can arrange some substance provision. = P
anyway, each night is getting progressively wilder. i'm into that. hopefully this one will continue the current pattern so i have someone to make out with too.

is it tuesday yet?

2010-03-22T21:41:00.002-07:00

aahhhh...conundrum.

i feel so lost. i want my partner back. i've forgotten how we would fight and butt heads and disagree and snap. i'm thinking, maybe it was all ME. maybe i didn't try hard enough, didn't endure enough, didn't sacrifice enough. i should try it again. i should rededicate myself and give it everything.

alas, that won't do it. that can't explain the urge to see others. he's young. he's emotionally underdeveloped. he's a wonderful, loving, devoted man...who can't give me what i need.

today i work work worked alll dayyy longgg. and tomorrow i will too.

and for the first time in a while, i've been teary. not excessively, not weepy. just, you know, occasionally get teary when i think or talk about it. ugh.

my bff is hopefully hooking up with the boy tonight!!! she'll be so happy and understanding about EVERYTHING if she ends up in a place where she gets to make out with HIM on a regular basis. so i'd be a big fan of that.

honestly, i really don't think he's right for her. cuz he's just a *tad* slow. not dumb, but purposefully slow. no sense of urgency. it'll drive her crazy because she's very driven and meticulous. ah well. hopefully she'll get some hot booty out of it before she discovers that herself, and hopefully she'll get out of it satisfied and emotionally unscathed. that's what i really want for her.

BUT- it's really exciting, nevertheless, that she's out with HIM!!

i have a vacation coming up. i'll be sauntering though haunted colonial streets. perhaps get a hook up, perhaps see a beautiful woman dance naked for a little bit of money. perhaps i'll hook up with someone who thinks it's hot to watch (and pay for) me get off on a girl. anyway, my last vacation was amsterdam, and that was a delicious time. not necessarily naughty from a moral standpoint, but indulgent certainly. i hope that this trip rides the line between the two.

progression

2010-03-21T17:57:00.003-07:00

so i talked to my EX today. the real EX. not the current ex. the one that i tore up and spit out. the one that locked my heart in the attic for a year.
it was nice.
no really, it was. peaceful. he wanted to talk more about the past, our evolution than i did. i really just wanted to catch up. but it was good. we both talked about both.
but, i felt ready. i felt it's part of my big picture healing process.
and then i was super stoked to know i ditched him bc apparently he's become a libertarian. omg!!! so funny. i hate them the most. = )

i can kinda feel the movie guy is gonna be clingy. not sexy hot desperate clingy, but too soon too insecure clingy. i'll ride this one out another week or two, but it will be easy to lose- just use the ex excuse. it'll work and i'll sound like a martyr.

my crush on the young one is out of control. i wish it would go away. either that, or that he'd reach out to me. for some boo-tay. yeah.

i spent a lot of time lately with the ex. not the big scary capital ex from the first bit of phone call recap, but the current love. in bed, lots. it's like, pretty good. better than usual. but i really am being controlling, and the jealousy is pervasive. if he knew i'd be dating & talking to people he'd be so sad. yet for me...it's different.
anyway, i'm hoping i'll just progress out of it over time...

the professor. still the same. texty text. i wish he'd just see me for christ's sake.

and then the med student. that one...i'll just wait. sit and wait. what's meant to be will be, right? he's out there. not sure if i'm THAT out there...i know parts of me are. maybe he could bring those parts out in me...maybe their the best parts of me and i don't even know it!! ha. as i said, i'm sittin on that one.

apparently this was update on all my crushes blog. as if all the others are not.

(then i guess i should mention the chick. she's around. will see her again. ugggh. so hot.)

things that make ya go hmmmm...

2010-03-19T18:31:00.005-07:00

so the date last night- holy moly. my friend forgot to tell me that she's totally HOT. unbelieveable. totally hot. and hilarious, and smart. wow. it seems she wants to go out again... = D
and then, i talked to the movie guy again today. he's been sending me pictures of the movie stars he's been working with! not boring flashy ones. fucked up and prolific sexy older ones. dang!!
and both are turning me on. seriously. when i think about going to bed with the PA chicky...mmm it turns me on. it's been SO long since i've been with a woman.
and something about movie guy turns me on too. his voice is definitely sexy. i just want it so bad!!! it's been a long long time. since i've been properly laid.
not entirely true. in fact, since the ex and i broke up the sex has been really good! but, that's mostly cuz i miss him. and we haven't been getting any. and every time could be the last time. however, i know there will be a next time bc i invited him over tonight to stay... = P
through and through all of this...i'm dreaming about the crush that is almost a decade my junior. blows my f'in mind. there's these hot educated older people that i can actually feasibly have...and i dream about a boy. a young boy. a sexy, hot, intriguing young ... man. i mean, he's a few past 18. ; )
my 1 friend totally eggs me on. interesting bc he's friends with the ex. but no, he's like, go for it. it would be fun. a romp in the sack. he's like, trust me, he'll go for it. i would have definitely if i was his age. and i'm thinkin...yeah...probably. he might. BUT- it's my own fear of rejection holding me back. how mortified would i be if he said no???
i have a fantasy of luring him to my house, feeding him grass & champagne and seducing him. dude, i mean...i could definitely give the kid a blow job that he'd use as the basis of comparison for the rest of his life. that i know.
but anyway...that's that. we'll see what's up. out for now...xox.

i'm kinda busy

2010-03-16T21:35:00.003-07:00

soooooo....

i went on a hike with the med student. it was....good.

he's perfect. no, literally. you should see him. it's absurd. he made me breakfast, he packed us a lunch. he's forgiving of my blunder. lets me lead as the rule. a perfect fucking gentleman. totally brilliant. allllll the right values.

anyway, we hiked 8 fucking miles. 8 miles!! and i was chipper the whole way. short of breath at the worst. and i'm not even sore the days after. must've had some MAJOR hormones propelling me.

life is unexpected. i'm really throwing this one to the wind. i totally went after him, got him to spend the day with me. i'll take that. he knows what's out there if that's the way he decides to go.

on another note, i have a date with a lady coming up here. wha hahahaha...

i'm doing pretty good. a bit exhilarated. missed my man somethin serious today. sometime last week, maybe thursday? i had a day like that too. funny. that's when my pms started, and today's when it ended cuz it came. fucking hormones.

i have so much love to give. like a river it flows and flows. who will take it? who can handle this current of emotion, this wave of dedication?? i know i'll blow someone's mind...in a way that makes them want to keep me. what i had with my last was a sweet, tender, and relatively healthy interaction. but it was not sustainable. i need super sustainable.

omg i just realized...going from the last paragraph from the one before could really stain the intent of the said paragraph...pun intended...

i mean, even the med student is a bit on the fringe for me, but that just may be what lies within...

guhmorning

2010-03-12T06:34:00.002-07:00

my favorite thing to do:

wake up early (and naturally) as if i'm going to work. say, somewhere between the 5 snd 6 o'clocks. then, get hi. smoke just enough to enjoy the internets and then fall asleep again...

love, love, love, i want your love. (i want your love!)

no really but i'm going hiking with the med student on sunday...turns out he has a gfri. = ( but i DO have to wonder why he waited til the last minute to tell me. then he asked about mine...i gave him a clue there was trouble in paradise, and told him i'd fill in the details when i saw him sunday. also, the reason he was texting was to tell me that his "lady friend" (that's exactly as he wrote it) won't be there on sunday. and my tarot seems to like him...strange. because i am going into this as friends. (the icing is that this friend is total eye candy!!)

i'm supposed to talk to the movie guy today. he was so busy making awesome movies in the wilderness yesterday that he wasn't able to talk.

going to roller derby on sunday. whoo! can't wait for that.

well, thanks, internets. i am now stoned and sleepy enough to go back to bed. ah.....

life is like a box of chocolates

2010-03-11T20:57:00.004-07:00

and i'm a clairvoyant. seriously.
i just opened up a box and my eyes went immediately to THE ONE. i knew i was gonna eat it the second i laid eyes on it.
"it's marshmallow," i thought.
now, some people hear marshmallow and say SICK! (like my ex.) but i happen to loovvvve it.
i snatched it up as if someone else were in the room to compete for first choice, and as i was delivering the chocolate to my mouth for a split second, my heart dropped.
"oh no! it's gonna be raspberry," i thought in horror.
but i didn't hesitate for a moment. in less than one full second, that puppy was in my mouth.
and it was fluffy. light, delicious, faintly sweet, and fluffy.
i love me some marsh-mallow. = )
can i pick out a partner this way too???

a bit

2010-03-09T19:39:00.001-07:00

i am an experiment of
the human condition
i've accomplished so
much yet i've
actually done
very little
when i die,
they will
dissect my
brain to
see...

head under water

2010-03-09T18:26:00.003-07:00

and they tell me to breathe easy for a while

i learned the hard way, they all say things you want to hear.

hello...to high and dry.

words of wisdom from a pop song...gotta love that.

i'm not going to write you a love song. no, i'm really not. i'm not making a play on music. hahaha(no one got that joke but me. if you got it, we're getting married. but you have to tell me TWICE.)

but today was the best. seriously. the bff is over at the ex's...and i'm cool with that. i am!! it feels so good. i mean, i'm not saying i'll never be jealous or angry or sad again about it...but what i can say is that distractions are good.

i landed TWO dates today. count em TWO.

1. the PA chicky. we're meeting for happy hour next thursday!!! she's about 10 older than me, just about perfect if you ask me. = )

2. a cute movie guy. yeah, that's right. he's working on a movie by one of my favorite twisted writers/producers out there. how f'in cool is that. he lives in the state next door...but supposed to be moving here soon. ; )

happiness! (i'm at your feet!)

i want your dirty, i want your disease. i want your loving and i want your revenge, you and me could write a bad romance. and i have, many, many times...still working on publishing that though.

naughty naughty

2010-03-07T17:21:00.006-07:00

so i responded to an add on craigslist, for a couple. could be fun. mmmm woman.

also, i was going through some email and found these old poems. (2006). pretty funny, cuz it's this ex that pops in and out every time i'm single. definitely been sending some sexy texts and pics over the last month or so. but these poems were from the last time i was single, when he actually caught my attention...(this time i'd really only be interested in him bending me over ; )

i want to hear that you're going to fuck me
whisper it in my ear
over and over and over and over
say it like i have no choice
like it's the truth
like it's a threat

i had the best masturbation fantasy today
(i'm getting wet just thinking about it)
we were sleeping
and i woke up
and one arm was tied to the bed
my eyelids parted just as you were tying off the second arm

and so you stroked it for a while
pointed it at me
you're so huge

and you part my legs
and circle my clit with your tongue
while you're pulling and pulling

and when i start to get too excited
very, very wet
you pull forward and slowly push yourself inside
and repeat
and repeat
until you are impaling me with your cock
but i am just getting wetter

and well you know the rest.................

i really wish i could tear you apart
but i won't....

my love for you is like fried ice cream
a hard desirable shell on the outside
and spicy sweet and cold in the middle

i am not your friend
i've never been your friend
an easy lay definitely
your lover at best
but never your friend
and i'm not about to start

you told me you'd "love to try" again
but you have no idea what that would take
and i'm telling you now
you don't have it in ya

what i am saying is
i am not your friend
i see you and my skin crawls
my pussy gets wet
my emotions become unstable
i am nervous
i become idealistic and hopeless and romantic
and that is not friendly at all

show me a man that is deserving
and i will show you a woman
who can make his dreams come true

oh my darling
i am so very lonely
how could you just show up like that?
i blocked you out of my mind
my life was not fantastic
but i was not living with THIS feeling
this longing
this sorrow
this resentment
this need

why aren't you more upfront?
why aren't you just MEAN to me?

who is the woman of your dreams?
let me guess
she likes to fuck
ALL THE TIME
she likes to party
every now and then
she'll watch porn with you
and do all sorts a other freaky shit
she's got a highly functioning brain
she has ambition
she's tough
and she holds her own
she likes disturbing movies
and dresses like a rockstar
and parades you around like the prize that you are
now i know a woman like this,
but i guess you wouldn't recognize her if she walked right in front of you...

so listen to this shit
i move out of state
and went through my clothes
3 piles: give away, put away, and stow away
(stow for those i never wear but refuse to give away)
so seal team gets STOW
several weeks ago
and them BAM there you are!
so i must find it
from the BOTTOM of the pile
it resurfaced
and it's been washed sooooo many times
but i SWEAR
when i bury my face in it
i can still find your smell

you need to know NOW
i take it allll back
all the shit i've said
i'm sorry i got so excited
really i am
i SHOULD have known better
actually it sickens me
it's fucking three in the morning

please leave me alone

no xmas
no "let's spend some real time"
just uncomfortable in passing
and i'll become more beautiful with age
i meant it when i told you you'll regret it
and you'll never get me back

and i'll ignore your beauty
and i won't check your fucking pictures online
under a fake id
pictures of bitches
and pictures of beauty
fuck your eyes
fuck your tattoos
fuck your gigantic penis
fuck your defined arms

fuck the tears that i let you make me shed
six years ago and today

you are a waste of my energy
my precious energy
that SOMEONE SOMEWHERE will appreciate
maybe
at least for a minute or two
but not you
oh no, not you
you're far too shallow to comprehend
the gifts that i will one day give
to a man that reeeealllly gets it

i'm serious when i say fuck off

*pretty funny huh*
ah, the recycling of lovers...

my personal paradox

2010-03-07T14:40:00.003-07:00

i act rationally, but i think irrationally.
for example, i'll treat people with respect, and communicate in a clear, direct manner, but meanwhile i'm pissed off and tortured and passionate.
how weird is that?

btw ()

2010-03-07T08:31:00.002-07:00

i am the girl between parentheses, i don't belong in this sentence.
(or do i?)
i don't belong in this sentence, and i don't belong at your party
i don't belong in his arms, and i don't belong in space
admired by all, sought by none.
i am the girl that brightens up your day
but wouldn't be missed until i was long gone
not only because i leave my footprint and my presence...
but because i probably belong somewhere else.

what city is my home? whose arms are my solace??

belonging

2010-03-07T08:21:00.004-07:00

i have no sense of belonging. i think that causes me great anxiety.
i'm constantly concerned about everyone else's needs. i know this is a typical woman thing, but come on. concerned that my EX wants me to stay in bed next to him, even though i've been awake for hours. concerned that my bff will not approve of him spending the night.
i never take care of myself, my house, my belongings. and i'm continually looking for ways to make others happy.
last night i took my ex to a wedding with me as my date. the pre-party was fine, the drive out was fine...but he just doesn't get it. i want someone to put me first, dammit. (maybe i should put me first.)
but seriously. i confirmed that he actually wanted to go 3 separate times over the last month. and he was soooo tired and sick from partying all fucking week long, that by 5pm that day he was done.
you're kidding me. you can't even sacrifice ONE night of partying for me? this is a wedding. i am asking you for more and you're giving me less, yet you are the one who says he is not ready to let go of our relationship. probably bc it would be so easy to keep it here- no effort, occasional booty.
you are right. you can't give me what i need. and i think i'm starting to be ok with that. i love you immensely, but i no longer have passion for you either. only concern.
there are two boys i'd like to hike with today...and i probably won't see either of them. i wonder when i'll stop living my life for everyone else and start living it for myself.
phooey.

happy hour

2010-03-05T19:25:00.003-07:00

what a great day so far. i got to work, and no one was there. so i left. came home and finished the rest of the day high.
then, i went to happy hour w a gfri from work. also a queer chick. well, luckily for me, she has someone in mind for me. a hot, educated butch. yes!!! so hard to find in this city. she also recently left a long term relationship, so also looking for fun and companionship but nothing too heavy.
thank god. i've been watching so much lesbian porn lately, that and the suicide girls...it would be so nice to feel that connection, if only for a while.
AND we talked about a way i could get a contract for doing something i have expertise in, without getting caught in the conflict of interest situation that i'd be creating. ha! and extra 5 or 10k could really perk up my life.
ahhhh...anyway. i'm tipsy now and i'm gonna keep hanging out tonight! i didn't just yawn; you didn't see that.

sunrise

2010-03-05T07:46:00.002-07:00

i am watching the sun rise
on the forever pink skies
cept forever is a lie
cuz it's gone with the blink of an eye
the pink fades to purple
which in turn fades to blue
i fell asleep last night, phone in hand
thinkin a you
so i step outside
to gaze at the sunrise
and to get a little hi
as the earth breathes a sigh...

random musings

2010-03-03T21:26:00.002-07:00

so i was talkin to this guy at work today, and he told me the most interesting story.
i really like this guy. i (obviously) really like a lot of people (i gotta lotta love to give!) but i don't like him like that. i just think he's coo, you know.
so anyway i'm telling him a little about why we're breaking up. about how we don't get along very well, and it's super frustrating, and a little disturbing. even though we love each other a lot.
and he was like, "yeah, better to figure that out now than later on down the road when you have a 15 year old kid at home."
now, i 'know' this guy 'pretty' ok and i've seen pictures of his wife, she's beautiful, and he usually speaks of her fondly. but i felt another side of it coming on.
he told me that things had been "up and down" for them lately (which really always just means down, otherwise why bother pointing it out) so he wants to get her something awesome for her birthday. (btw, when my bfri thought things were [up and] down for our anniversary, his solution was to buy me nothing.) so he bought her a cruise.
and then she had to take some unexpected time off from work, and didn't want to take any extra time off for the cruise. i was like whaaaa???
so he's like whaddya want and her response is "build me a wall". literally. she had him build a wall between their two personal areas for more privacy.
now, i know the healthy reality or potential that this is a good thing, that they are able to enjoy their solo time in their shared house...but what a metaphor. he wanted to take her somewhere romantic, to be intimate, and she told him she'd rather have him build her a wall. and he did.
!

my eyes are listening intently
to a crazy pilates girl
lowering her mass
over glittering shards of glass...
one slight muscle spasm
and i'm gonna have me a beautiful, bloody blond mess.

candy coated trouble

2010-03-02T18:45:00.004-07:00

who is this young sage whose affection i crave??
possibly a muse..or a coincidence candied with mystery.
delicious, distant mystery.
there is something delectable found in impossibility; it's the present you never open. the cupcake whose frosting is so sickeningly sweet you wouldn't even dare to spoil the desire..
Perhaps, that is what you are-
a reflection of my desire, a timely pool of vision. a reflection of my desire, or possibly...
the DESIRE for my REFLECTION???

-anyway-
this is just to say, i like seeing yo FACE and sharing a quick embrace in an awkward place.
THANKS!
for sharing a lovely dejected perspective at this carnival of fools.

******************************

i heard from the comedian

2010-03-01T17:38:00.004-07:00

and it turns out, he may actually be a nice guy.
he started seeing someone. and thought he should tell me. i thought he should too, dammit, so now i don't have to sit around wondering (or hoping?) that he's gonna call.
and i'm cool with that. i was a little sad weeks ago when he didn't reply, but i'm over that now. now i'm just glad that i can cross him off my list.
and, strangely, i'm also happy that he did turn out to be a nice guy. the kind of guy that doesn't talk sexy on the phone with some cute girl when he's already seeing someone. the kind of guy who doesn't respond to those messages and then makes the time to tell that person that he's not into them.

"bad timing," he said.

i'll say. no worries though. that's ALL GOOD. because timing is everything. and i feel happy that a nice guy hit on me, even though he renegged. i'm confident, because i felt it. i can trust myself.

<3

bootyologist

2010-02-28T20:49:00.003-07:00

i'm no expert. i'm just a sharer. i never claimed to be an expert.
i'm getting ready for a drag show. by getting ready i mean smoking a roach. i'm wearing a very short skirt- hoping that the girl of my dreams will give me her number. well, at least the girl of the week. maybe? a date tomorrow night? it's actually the only night i'm free. ; )
i just want someone cute to look at, to turn me on. my bff if falling for her best man-friend. so fun to fall in love.
i texted the comedian. i know i shouldn't have- i should've either called like a normal person, or not contacted him at all. but i did the chicken move. no response.
actually this is not a drag show i'm going to, but a pageant. how fun.
my bff just called- she's stopping at taco bell. naughty, delicious taco bell. one bean taco for me, please.
there's this adorable chicky i know. whenever i'm watching lesbo porn and i get all hot wishing i had a hot girl to do, i think of her...and sometimes it gets the best of me and i text her. once it was fun, playful...but she never still has my number in her phone. today i texted her:

really tho girl, we should. u would't regret it. (promise) if ur worried about yr boyfriend...i don't mind, he can watch!

and this is what i got in return:

Hmmm. Not sure who this is. But NO.

ha, well, i get no. no means no. i'm quite sure her no would have been a "lol, nooo...." had she known it was ME, but NO=nooo.... just the same.
she is hot though. not the type i'd date, just the type i'd do. small like me, only in great shape. long black hair, dyed. goth with a kitty complex. mrawr. (me too ; )

blind faith

2010-02-27T14:42:00.004-07:00

i have blind faith in love as some people have blind faith in god. there's nothing physical or literal proving his existence, but his followers just know. there is a sense of confidence they carry with them, a sense of protection, a sense of contentment that he is watching and he loves infinitely.
well, when i woke up this morning, my sense of faith was extrememly strong. i am faithful that i will find my love. (and his name will not be yaweh or jesus.) i have with me today a strong, confident sense of understanding that i may need to be patient, but the love i am looking for is out there. perhaps i know him (or her) already, perhaps i have considered them, perhaps i have not. maybe this person is yet to me introduced or named. but when i woke up, i felt that this would be a good weekend, filled with hope, hope for the future, hope for moving on. (even though i'm planning on spending the night with my guy/my ex. i'm still not sure which i should be calling him.)
and then when i left my house to go to work, the sky was a radiant pink. the most amazing sunrise, i have seen plenty of them lately. breathtaking. and i knew, this was my reassurance, that the feeling inside me was true. it was pervasive. the color of the clouds matched me- the hot pink of the letters on my shirt, my bra, and the socks sticking out of my knee-high boots. and the powder pink pink of my scarf, my thong, mirrored the lighter hues. (all of this balanced by black, black, and more black. riot grrl.) i knew that the fact that the sky matched my exuding sexiness, that i was right. i can have this blind faith.
and things just went up from there. first, when i got to work, a colleague told me her friend had been asking about me. that he was moving back in town, and was hoping to see me. blushing!!! like one of those clouds...he's cute. a hiker type, not yet named in this here blog...short, strong. definitely would take me out for a NICE night.
that's my new thing. i need guys that can hold their own. (not that my most recent didn't, he just wans't a spoiler.)
and then, the med student called. left me like a 4 minute message. no hike tomorrow, but next week for sure. (i may be busy ; ) but i was like yesss! i'm in fire. fire that that sunrise, i know it.
and the icing was the adorable boy (way too young for me) who seems flattered by my attention, and leaves incredible drawings fully knowing i'll steal them. nothing wrong with a little fantasy thrown in with all that possibility...
and to top it all off, i'm going to sleep with you know who tonight. i can't wait. i know he's totally excited about the lack of underwear under my short skirt. actually, he just texted reminding me to bring condoms.
ah...if only this would last...i have blind faith that eventually it will. = )

sexting

2010-02-26T17:31:00.003-07:00

how about this. sexting.
i've heard the word. how silly, how embarassing, how true.
late last night i'm fixin to fall asleep, already in bed, and i get a text from the professor:

status?

in bed

that was me inviting him in. he got it.
but what's with that? so we turn each other on, we tell one another what we'd like to do, what we would do, but it still hasn't even been defined if and when that's what we WILL do.
i feel like it gives him, us, an excuse to hide behind. a way out of an actual interaction as humans. in flesh. delicious, delicious flesh.
i mean, i guess sexting is hot if it's actually and definitivelly leading up to something, or following something, or sustaining something, but so far as i can tell, this is not.
let me clue you in on something. our interaction (i certainly can't call it a relationship) has not always been virutual. there's been two opprotunities. once at the very beginning of the relationship i'm now ending, and once very recently. yes, very recently. but i didn't go for it. i couldn't. number one, i was still in my relationship. i couldn't cheat on such a true and pure person. number two, i wasn't gonna lay him cuz he happened to be in town for a board meeting. i don't want it to be like that. i want it to be intentional.
now, when i say i didn't cheat on my boyfriend that is relative. I feel morally secure with what went on between me and the professor, and therefore to me, i didn't cheat. but let me tell you what did happen, because it was fucking hot.
i told my boyfriend i was meeting my crazy friend who lives with her parents, but really i was visiting a hotel in that relative neighborhood (seemed relative). so i met him at his hotel, and we had a drink. we got some happy hour nachos. i had just gotten a tattoo earlier that day (on my upper thigh, had to wear a short skirt). eventually i had to go to his hotel room to wash it off and remove the dressing.
when we got to his room, i did my business. afterward, when i left the bathroom, he was laying on his bed, "watching tv". i joined him. within minutes he was hard, i had my leg thrown over him.
"look what you did," he said, as he pointed to his boner.
"i didn't do that, you did," i replied.
i straddled him, i kissed his cheek, his neck, briefly. he slipped his hand under my panties, i let him play, but not too long. just long enough to know what he was missing.
and then i left.
as i was leaving, however, one more super hot thing went down: we kissed. first time, after a 3 year crush. it was good. we both kiss in the same careful, appreciative way. super hot. and then he dropped to his knees, and started nibbling on the section between my thigh and rest of the show. he tried to soften me into it...but i just couldn't. i couldn't. (i wanted to, so bad.)
and then he walked me to my car. he tried to jump in and make out with me, but i wouldn't let him. we kissed once or twice more, and i said goodbye.
the rest of the weekend was torture. knowing he was there, in my city, and that i couldn't hang out with him, rather that i was choosing not to. that weighed heavily in my break up decision, the regret i faced that weekend.
and then on the drive to my boyfriend's from his hotel, that weezer song came on: "girl! if you're wondering if i want you to, i want you to, so make a move, cuz i ain't got all night....without you, my heart is blue.." and i broke down. while driving, on the freeway, at a high speed. i was crushed. i really like this guy, whether i care to admit it or not. = (
i have yet to call him. hey, he could call me too, but i have yet to call him on the phone and say "i want to see you. will you see me?". if he doens't respond to that, i get the message. i just have to get there. it's hard to get there when i'm planning on staying with you know who on saturday.

he's gonna call me

2010-02-26T16:59:00.004-07:00

he is gonna call me. i'm putting it out there.
he's a thoughtful person, who was so passionate at the beginning, but then his rationale (sensitivity) kicked in.
(clearly this is when my delusions are kicking in.)
but now that he's back in town, for a few days, he'll call. even if it's just a one weekend booty call thing, i'm down. we'll see what's up.
and if he doesn't call, i'll call him. monday. that should give him enough chance to call me first.
i'm talking about the comedian. the one that wouldn't leave me alone and then disappeared. the one i tried to tell i needed more space and to be patient a week or two, and then one day told me that very same thing and then disappeared? yeah, the one who said he'd be in town at the end of feb or beginning of march. and he'd call me then. well, we'll see if he calls me.
it would be so fucking nice to just have a companion that gives his attention to me. that looks at me with a gaze and spoils me. even for just a day or two.
to rumble around in the sheets and play and feel the warmth of someone next to me...someone hard, and ready, who turns me on and makes me crazy. the smell of new, curious flesh.
i wonder if he'll call me.
no, he's gonna call me. i'm putting it out there, into the universe. he wants some fun, he wants to play, he wants a companion. he wants to get laid as bad as i do.
he's gonna call me. but i won't wait by the phone.

nasty

2010-02-25T18:33:00.002-07:00

unfortunately, i'm not talking about the good, hot kind of nasty.
i mean, seriously? i totally do it. i'm a nasty girl. i push...ok i'm probably not THAT bad. there's other women out there that are way worse. but, i push buttons, on purpose, to be mean, to get attention. to retain attention. i don't get it.
so, yesterday was wednesday and he did NOT stay over. we had a good night at work, we came home, we hung out for a bit, and he tucked me in. clothed. really, my stomach was KILLING me, and i had to get up at 4:30, and he had some shit going on in the lab. so it wasn't the best night, we rescheduled for saturday.
ugh. this is crazy.
just after i wrote how mean i am i started to text him an apology, cuz really i felt bad. but then he called me mid-message creation, and i got to tell him...and he told me he's going to see avatar with his stupid boyfriend!! we tried to go together twice and it kept being sold out. we even tried to go last weekend, since we've been broken up! ugh.
i'm an ass. i'm sitting here thinking how i don't want to go eat at my friend's cuz "everyone else" is gonna be there but him, and i'll miss him like crazy. and he's off planning to do something he was supposed to do with me!!
"it just didn't work out. we tried."
what a metaphor...for our relationship.

idk

2010-02-23T17:39:00.003-07:00

idk, what a day.
i'm not sure where that one went. i started by calling my guy, and bitching about my bff. how the only reason we're not spending time together is her. then, i went to the state house of reps where they voted to can my job.
what else can i say. i'm not even sad anymore. i'm laughing. like, really? really??? what next? bring it on.
i was totally looking for my future husband today at the house though. i saw him twice, but they both were married. already. and i don't go for married men- anymore. (that's a very long back story.) anyway, i was looking for a hot activist man (or woman). an outspoken one. a sexy one.
i texted with the professor crush a bit when i was waiting at the house listening to the other lonnnnnnnnng winded bills before the one i gave a shit about. he's so weird. lately. he engages up to a point- but then bails. i can't figure out why he doesn't want to actually see me- either he wants it to be so easy and has realized that's it's not gonna be that way with me so he's lost intrest (but still thinks it's fun to string me along), OR he really actually likes me and thinks that the timing is still not quite right (maybe cuz my break-up is still so fresh?). i'm banking on the first one but i'd still like to at least get laid after this 3 year *thing* we have.
anyway, i was thinking of him today because being at a place like the house of reps would ONLY be fun with him. everything would be funny if he were there. we would make fun of everyone. i would enjoy myself, only to be crushed by the news of my job's fate. and then he would have made me laugh about the pig proposing the bill fucking me over, and he'd fuck me...and at least i'd be smiling at the end of the night. at least.
blah, blah blah...fantasy land. i lived in fantasy land through my entire relationship. much of it with this guy. ay. what to do...

2010-02-22T21:34:00.001-07:00

ugh, what is it; i'm just so ANGRY. grr!!
i just don't want her advice any more, i want her support. and if she can't give that to me, we won't be friends.
nuff said!!
eerrrh.

i was poisoned

2010-02-22T21:06:00.007-07:00

we had a beautiful dinner. delicious, healthy, plentiful. comfort and exotic food. then a few minutes later, we finished with a browine. a perfect, delcious dark chocolate brownie with cream cheese topping and mini-chocolate chips.
"mmmm! this is delicious, i said. "where did it come from?" i could swear i'd had it before.
and she told me that it came from him.
i broke down, i couldn't finish it, i left. for the first time ever, i just up and left her place. she poisoned me. with his brownie, his love, his lovely brownie.
then i came back here and called him and yelled at him for doing that. for making delicious brownies, not with or for me.
he told me he didn't really understand what i was so upset about.
i told him that i didn't know how he could just go on with life, hang out, go to parties, make brownies. i told him i was pissed that he stole my friend for cartoons and he'd steal my friend again for tv on tuesday.
i am pissed about that.
super pissed.
but there's nothing i can do. it's my choice, and i have to go through it. don't i? or don't i?? i told him i was pissed that he got to watch all the fun tv with our friend and then he was just gonna come over here on wednesday and get laid. i told him i didn't think that was cool, on principle. (even though he and i both know i have the upper hand here.)
ugh. anyway. that's that. how'm i gonna get through this??

here i am today

2010-02-22T18:52:00.003-07:00

i am here. here i am.
i'm actually doing pretty good today. yesterday was pretty teary after i left his place. on and off. but i had a sense of peace and strength that carried me through it. and then late last night, this text message came through:

I know im not supposed to write but im so cold and sad right now. I miss ur warmth so bad already baby xox

my reply:

im cold too baby. dont be too sad- i love u.

I wish i was with you and cat

i think u should stay w us after work on wed = P

i want to

k = ) stay warm tonight

so it's that easy, that's how it happens. i guess we'll be staying together on wednesday night. the problem is, if we keep scheduling and scheduling these somehwhat clandestine meetings, and being physically intimate, then it's just gonna drag and drag and hurt and hurt...who knows. i guess i'm into it.
i've never been one to do things the easy way. with the hardest lessons in life, i take the hardest way to get there. so weird. i was like that in school- started HS by failing algebra, i finished HS by setting the curve in trig (and all my classes). in college, i started with a 2.0 (that means average- i failed some and some were easy) and finished with a 4.0. look at it this way- in my last relationship, rather than tell my bfri i want to break up and that i'm not satisfied (even if i'm still sleeping with him), i cheated on him, got him to forgive me, and then let him abuse me for another year before i left. ok??? see? i've grown, dammit. at least i know enough not to cheat and take a bunch of crap for no good reason.
sooooooo.....yeah. that's that. i'll keep you posted. obviously i'm taking the hard way on this in some respects, but compare that to other situations i've been in and i'm fiiiine. i will totally get through this. totally.
here i am today, whole. totally whole. full and whole.
i am full.
i am whole.
i am.
i am.

today's reading

2010-02-21T18:18:00.003-07:00

a glass of wine

2010-02-21T17:24:00.006-07:00

a glass of wine, and you're mine.
but not quite. you were this morning, and you could be now, but you're not. i set you free again. sort of.
i went over there last night. it was scandalous. i totally snuck out- it was ridiculous. i was half hiding from my neighbor, and half from myself.
i went over there around 1 or 2am. total booty-call style. but it wasn't. (yet.)
i jumped in bed with him, he was already naked. i didn't want to puff. only snuggle close. he was ragingly hard but i was too sleepy...
sleeping next to him was wonderful, delicious. his warm, soft, body pressed up next to mine. hairy chest. love love love it.
we went out for burgers. we love to eat together. especially burgers. somewhere in the middle of the meal my eyes welled up with tears and i was overcome with emotion. "i just wanna cry," i told me. "me too," he said, "but i'm holding it back." i got it together in a few moments and of course 'brown eyed girl' came on.
yesterday my bff was saying how when you hang out with someone, if you're not really sure if it's right or not, you can tell the difference by that compelling feeling that you want to make out with them. just reach over and kiss them. well, i don't want to do that with him. i only want to kiss his cheek, snuggle close. but not make out. don't get me wrong, i enjoy kissing him...it's sweet. but not passionate.
in the morning, i took care of him. twice. and he took care of me too. it was actually really good, figures. it was hot, fun, naughty...when we're faced with parting of course it will be the best. but still not...that.
the whole time here and there i was admitting that i knew it wasn't right. that we needed space. by the time i left i had proposed a 2 week ban on texting for just cuz, hanging out socially, and late night phone calls so that we can get a clear read on things. basically, i need some space to figure out wtf is going on, and determine how (or if?) i'm going to move on, and i want him to either a) get used to the idea of us not being together (and possibly being friends?) or b) come up with some really good plan of how we can significantly improve our relationship. some kind of rededication, pledging, proclamation of love- i know i'm a dreamer. but that's that PASSION i'm looking for.
right around the corner...my love could be right around the corner. i have to be open to it when it comes. i have to slowly be open to it...
tonight will be tough, usually we watch cartoons together. this morning in bed we had the convo should we impose this 2 week space, or should we say fuck it and just come over and we'll watch cartoons together and you can see the kitty and you can spend the night (in bed with me!!). but at the end we decided the 2 weeks would be really helpful, and there's freakin cartoons every sunday night and this won't be our last chance to watch them together as lovers OR friends. it's up to us, whatever we choose.
and then i find out my bff is going over there to watch with him. = ( and our other mutual friend. so i guess i'll be all alone tonight. in that respect. (i did find someone to come over and hang out with me so i don't have to be completely pathetic and lonely.)
i'm waiting for that distraction. one of these men in the wing to step up and show me some real attention, the distracting kind. then i can see if that makes it clearer. if i'm still stuck on my man then i know that either i'm not ready for dating, or i'm not ready to leave that relationship. i do have a feeling that if one of thesed dudes stepped up it might really serve as a catalyst for me to move on. that way i could be clear with him and say i was sure it wasn't working out, at least not at this point in our lives.
maybe we will cross paths again? maybe we will. who knows. it happens, often.
my love for him is so strong. i have a few friends, some married, some not who feel that there's some compromises that are just worth it. but i'm not convinced i can compromise that undefinable spark. maybe it's in there some where, it would make sense after all these years. but i don't see it. if it's there, it's dim.
well, so much for exercise. this wine is a fine substitue for exercise today. this week i will be brave. tonight is a bit rough because of that whole cartoon thing, but really, i'm not gonna be all melodramatic like the first week after we make the break. no need. i'm just gonna be patient, and mindful of my everyday tasks. cooking, cleaning, exercising, shopping, doing my taxes. living life. relaxing, retreating. reprieve.

my pledge

2010-02-20T10:19:00.006-07:00

i promise to take you through this process with me, play by play.
i promise to be honest, even when i'm making the wrong choice.
i promise to share all of my feelings, no matter how twisted or difficult they may be.
i also promise to publish some of my older stuff (my history of romance, other poems, etc) when i have nothing fresh to share with you from my brain.

i also promise to update you on my crushes. see, i haven't menionted them yet because i'm in such darkness. but they exist. there's a professor, a comedian, a medical student, and more. this decision to break up with my boyfriend is a LONG time coming. i've given it over a year's thought- because i love him so much- but deep in my heart i know it's right. there are cute people out there i want to spend time with!!

i do plan on going to his house tonight. very late. and not even for a booty call. in fact, i'll probably give something up but not take it- i do it out of love. i don't even want it- it's not that good- i know there are men (and women) out there who will turn me on properly. but it's not him. but i do wish it was him!!!!! such a wonderful man...

and who knows. maybe one day it will be him. maybe i just need to set him free and let him sleep with a few more people. = P

probably not though. i hope we stay friends. our frienship is the strongest aspect of our relationship.

it's back

2010-02-19T17:55:00.003-07:00

two weeks ago i brought it on him. it lasted a week, and we went back to the sex, the love, the caring...but not the companionship. that made it seem like we undid it. and i felt better. i hit an oasis.
and then yesterday, as i started this blog, it came back. i know it's true. i know we must sever. i saw him today, we had lunch with my mom since she's leaving town tomorrow. he's just so cute...so irresistible. i love his hair, his skin, the clothes he wears...but that still doesn't make me want to fuck him. i wish it did.
i love my teddy bear. i'm going to crawl in bed with him tomorrow night- i know it's wrong- but i'm gonna do it. and then i'm going to tell him that it's wrong and that we can't do it anymore...my god what's wrong with me. i feel so lost.
lost, tossed, and confused. i got the blues.
i wish i had some comfort. i wish i could move on. i wish someone would sweep me off my feet. i wish HE would sweep me off my feet- beg me to stay, let his love flow, always put me first, never hurt my feelings with the sharpness of his tongue.
but he will. he has and he will. i must move on. i must move on if i want to open the door for the right person to come in.
i need help. love and support. and lots and lots of help.

i'm gonna dump him

2010-02-19T00:04:00.000-07:00

that sounds like the worst thing in the world. so callous, i know. but what can i do. it's my reality. as much as i'm terrified to lose my best friend, my dear, my love, i have no other option.
i have told very few people this secret. that i know it in my heart, that we're not meant to be together. that there's someone out there who will knock my socks off. someone who will give me that feeling i pine for, the one captured so bravely by music and movies. so cliche, i know, but i mean it. i need it. i feed it. (and i feed on it.)
imean, why's that so much to ask for? someone with the kind of passion as me??? i meet people, i think they're like that, they're probably not. i mean, well maybe they even are, but they're still not for me. why isn't there someone for me??
and i mean, there's lots of us out there. i mean, probably you. you're probably sitting there thinking, where's my soul connection? or maybe you're jaded, maybe you've accepted to live without it. (or maybe you found yours, you lucky bastard.) or maybe your wandering, hoping, idealizing...like me.
anyway, i started the process. i told him i was pretty much there. it was traumatic. but then, i kind of reneged. i felt so lost without him near me, by my bed, being my sweetie...i only missed the good stuff. i lost sight of the extreme frustration, the anger, the uncomfortable sex...the feeling deep in my heart that he's not "that person" for me.
and i'm a friggin idiot. did i mention that?? he's got all the qualities. we're perfect for each other. we love hiking, the same music, eating delicious delicious farmers' markets foods & dinner together, the same movies, i could go on and on and on. he's queer-friendly (completely), not afraid to be places where he can't speak the language, he's got a pure heart, and he's brilliant. did i mention that? an aspiring professor, a PhD candidate, a published scientist. with the same time line and desired destinations as me. wtf??? why would i give that up?? and we've been together 3 years. did i mention how much he loves me?
but i know it's not right. i know it. deep in my heart. it's so sad. it's gonna be terrible.
but shhhhhhh. it's a secret.